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My Name is Smegma Jones, and I'm a Pussy: A Memoir

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[JESUS LOVES YOU MORE THAN ANYBODY, BUT HE'S DEAD. NO-ONE COULD EVER LOVE YOU AS MUCH, OR YOU THEM, SO DON'T EVEN TRY. HAVE A NICE LIFE! MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!]

The Summer She Turned 17

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The summer she turned 17, she had to hold all the pieces of herself together with a red ribbon she tore off an old dress. It wound its way around her neck, her heart and her throat. It snaked down to her hips, the curve of her thighs, and wrapped itself

Congratulations On Your New Diagnosis! (Greeting Cards for People With Mental Problems)

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First published on www.humortimes.com

The Book

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The woman returns from the store with an armload of books. She reads them quickly, one by one, over the course of the next few weeks. But when she opens the last one, the woman frowns in surprise. All the pages in the book are blank. Every single one.

If I were dying

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The doctor told me: "You have 24 hours to live. no more, no less."

Throw

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She was a dead bird the morning I found her, wings clipped in dirt and blood vanished into tiny braille maps on concrete.

Son of Goya

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I am not against the darkness / I can learn to live with restraint

First Sex

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After our date, my sister, who has a boyfriend, came over with her Weimaraner. I started instantly to tell her of my sex with Nils. She shirked the conversation, tried to change the subject, and more than once, I persisted. I wanted her to hear about it.

The Literary Savant

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"I would date a dog," she says.

Tinpot Love

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Under the tree of the one apple, the Tin Man waited for his Tin Woman. He wanted to ask her to become his Tin Wife.

Killing Noise

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I ate a novel. I digested a film reel. I vomited poetry.

middle of the night

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Then the moon cried real white tears.

A New Tattoo

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She’s waving, Hey, I’m home! Like nothing’s happened. Like weeks haven’t passed since she left.

Rain Turtle

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The first thing Vera did after her dismissal from the mortuary was buy a pack of cigarettes.

Obituary for a Poet Heretic

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He sat on a leather couch in the nude, blew smoke rings shaped like wild animals and picked verses out of the thick air.

How Chupacabra Broke the Heart of God

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And God said, Let us create a being in our image, after our likeness, for God was alone in the universe.

Little People

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If you consider yourself neither little nor big, remember that anything large, colossal, macroscopic, ample, sizable, blown-up, bulky, mighty was once small, lesser, minute, tiny, dinky, gnomish, weeny or lilliputian.

The Way You Live Now

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You make a mental note of the rising number of people that know you. You vow to trim the list.

Slices

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It was one of the first things she did after they opened the wall. That’s at least what she told me years later, more than 1000 miles from Berlin.

The Sun Eaters

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And in the end, when there was nothing left and we all had come to look like whispers, we ate the sun.

Rewind

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++

Multiple Simultaneous Submissions

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He looked at the receiver in his hand as it hummed its dead-line song. His hand shook. Shit, he thought.

Ten Amazing Don’t-Miss Writing Prompts (Especially Number 6)!

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Write a list of what's wrong with everyone else.

Le Sucre Brun

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The commandant pried her lids open with steely thumbs.

The Names of Things

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She's having trouble remembering the names of things.

To The Woman Who Sat With Her Back To The Door

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Such a curious smell in the air tonight: part skunk, part fire, part rubber of your tire, pulled liquid hot across that road.

Common Password Profile Users: God, Love, Lust, Money, and Private

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She leans to see fresh bruises in dawn's early light.

The Sodomized Dictator

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Ghosts.

Tips for the Prospective Superhero

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Drop out of school. Buy a journal and keep a list of excuses. Run wind sprints and lay off the beer. Use teeth whitener.

1974, What I Wanted

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If there had been arranged marriage in eighth grade, the grade it used to be and still sometimes is when children left school to work in the fields, I would have hoped that my parents would have arranged for me to marry Mike.