Let me tell you, child, the story of how your father became your father.
Not the story of how his sperm crashed into my egg, how mad passion made a sweet sticky union that turned two into one and then in a split second became three. That is a good story, too, but this one is better.
We were driving down Highway 1, me at the wheel and him dialing the radio. Windows down, heatwave hitting us hard. Supertramp: Give a Little Bit. He turned it up, lit a cigarette, put it to my lips like he always did, his sweet salty fingers so close I wanted a nibble. When I turned my head slightly and said No he looked almost hurt. Then I said the thing I'd been hiding for two weeks: I'm pregnant. I couldn't read his face, and the telling of this simple truth was much like the rest of our relationship: unplanned and hot. I saw the slight slump of his shoulders that accompanied his bent head, his black Oriole's cap shielding his eyes. And then he stubbed out his Camel unfiltered, exhaled long and slow. He took the pack from his Tshirt pocket, turned it over, studied it as if it might reveal some magic wisdom: Run away! Marry her! Find another girl! Then he pulled the remaining cigarettes from the pack, and, one by one, tossed them out the window. Turned Supertramp louder, cupped his hand round my sweaty neck, and grinned.
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Week #10 of 52|250: Cigarette Smoke in the Car
Michelle, this is great. Love the gesture with the cigarettes out the window on scenic Highway 1. And Supertramp! Ha. Perfect.
Man, this is beautiful. I love the setup to the real story. We're right there with her, anxious as his shoulders slump. Really nice.
Good love, nice story. I like the closed circle, the child told of how a mere sperm donor morphs into her father.
Superstory, Supertramp. Loved it at 52/250 -- now, I can fav it! Peace...
Terrific, Michelle!
Endearing.
This is quite beautiful, Michelle. Love the details you use in this. My favorite is the cigarettes going out the window one by one. Fave!
intense + intimate. took me right there. great structure, too, with the opening line, the not-story, and then the story.
yes, fave.
Paints a vivid scene in few words. I like the way you make it look like the husband regrets the news, then makes his symbolic sacrifice by throwing his cigarettes out the window, revealing him to be happy.
Lovely. And the scene's set beautifully, all motorway, Summer heat, music and cigarette smoke. And not schmaltzy. Which is nice.
*
much like the rest of our relationship: unplanned and hot.
lovely, all--
Bravo, Michelle! It doesn't get better than Supertramp. Fave!
Michelle, you captured this classic moment perfectly: I'm pregnant. I like the way you worked it out happily in your story: which, overall, is very well conceived and executed, with good writing.
Fine and incisive, like the razor that cuts to the bone of the matter.
The violence lurking here is breathtaking, right from its opening: "...how his sperm crashed into my egg"...
the landscape outside the car, the heat, odors of sweat and smoke, her rising belly--
love and a certain type of danger here
a really fabulous flash fiction
fireworks! what it feels like to me.
love it.
and the writing is fab
You deserve all the stars. A flat out amazing use of the prompt. Great story!
Woah! What a fantastic way to wake up this morning -- what a tremendous way to return to Fn after being bogged down in too many other things lately. I am blown away by the comments here, by the faves, by the positive reception by such worthy writers and human beings. I feel my writing has gotten better since joining Fn, and since writing on 52|250, and I thank you all for your critiques and encouragement. This is such a rockin' community. You make me wanna WRITE!
Marvelous piece, Michelle. Great scene. Wonderful writing.
I love this!
"...cupped his hand round my sweaty neck, and grinned," is a great line.
yay! I'm a sucker for happy endings. And throwing cigarettes out the window. :)
Love the voice and the rich details here. Really good work, Michelle!
I love good bedtime stories and riding in cars with the music up high and those moments when you know things will be okay. Great piece, Michelle!
This story almost made me straight
Michelle,
Just loved this! Such wonderful details, the cigs out the window - so perfect. For me, as well, Supertramp, etc., and this terrific dividing line between young and free, hot and unplanned, and stepping into adulthood, but rendered fully with love, and you just know this couple will be able to hang on to it all. *
this is perfect, Michelle
Nice. Good work.
lovely ending.
This is quite awesome, Michelle. The detailing, as always, is superb but what a great little story. And rendered masterfully.
Sweet and to the point. This story is PEZ.
(And that's a good thing, for clarification.)
Just beautiful. What a moment!
wonderful!!
Love this, Michelle! Perfect snapshot moment, but also very telling.
Sweet and sweaty - love the Camel unfiltered.
'Then he pulled the remaining cigarettes from the pack, and, one by one...' - OK, I love that line but I won't post a spoiler on the front page.
Damn, this is good. Writing with balls.
I keep finding things of yours I missed. Michelle you're a proper storyteller.
Your story feels so real, Michelle! His slumping shoulders, long and slow exhale, brief cig pack moment, and symbolic gesture: these are guy things. Great stuff! *.
I also love the cigarette bit. Very well told.
This is a wonderfully condensed lively engrossing descriptive complete story miraculously written with so few words--fun to read. Thanks.