Multiple Simultaneous Submissions
The phone rang. He checked the caller ID for “toll free”, weird area codes and phone numbers of known enemies. The calling number seemed OK. He picked up on the fourth ring.
“Hello?” He said
“You slimy motherfucker!” A shrill voice shouted in his ear. “You sent us multiple simultaneous submissions! We specifically noted in our submission guidelines we do not accept multiple simultaneous submissions!”
“I didn't think you'd…”
“Find out! You didn't think we'd find out! You lamebrain piece of shit! You didn't think we'd find out! You blithering idiot. We always know! We've been publishing drivel longer than you've been writing drivel. There's no way we won't know! We can tell! You're such a transparent piece of refuse you multiple simultaneous piece of dreck!
“I don't…”
“You don't what? Want to get caught? Want to get called out? Want to be known as a guy who cheats? You don't what? Want to get a visit from Leon? Well, that's too goddamn bad because we're returning this piece of shit you call a story right now! And we're sending it over with Leon! He'll familiarize you with the fucking rules when he drops off your worthless story! Get your first aid kit ready asshole. You're gonna need it!” The phone went dead.
He looked at the receiver in his hand as it hummed its dead-line song. His hand shook. Shit he thought. It's OK for them to take forever to get back to me, if ever. But it's not OK for me to try and shorten my response time by reaching out to two or three people at once? That fucking guy was insane! Who was he? He never said. What am I gonna do? This fucking Leon guy will tear my arms and legs off.
He went into the bedroom. He felt sick, like he might vomit. His fear was palpable. He opened the drawer of his dresser and began rummaging through his socks, searching for his Glock.
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Author's Note
You know the drill.
Other stories by Larry Strattner
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Black-listed forever and ever, amen...
Thankfully our good editors have realized that it's impossible to ask a writer to send a story out only twice a year for maybe twenty years to hit forty publishers, but this will strike a chord with all writers.
Oh, now this great. I love this. It's so effing funny....Yes!
Thanks folks! I've always understood both sides of this one, but if you write it's a tempting target. Plus, thanks to The Professional, I love the name Leon.
I had a stray dog on my front porch for two days. Named him Robert Leon...
For two days.
Man, this had me roaring! Way to go! Enjoyed.
Thanks D.P. You know this drill.
HA! I knew there was a writing mafia out there. This proves it. "The Net" meets "The Paper."
Hilarious. You get a star for making me laugh out loud!
hA! Just had myself ripped a new one via email, - so reading this was a sweet relief. and I love the name Leon because of The Professional as well.
I love this. I'm laughing out loud right now. This is so over-the-top, yet neatly contained. Nice work.
That has got to make any writer smile.
You send so many submissions never to be heard from again that you almost hope for a phonecall like this. At least you know they got the e-mail.
I consider a rejection with anything at all appended to be acceptance of my existence.
Yes! I am a long time, committed violator of the no simultaneous submissions policy. I'm glad a lot of publications are changing that policy. Over the top and hilarious!
Just found this. Loved it ... loved it!
So very funny, love the fear of Leon, love the glock!
What a great piece, Larry. Ha!
Starts fast and never lets up. Great voices, great vision of a world unknown to most of us. Enjoyed the hell out of this one!
haha, We must always follow the guidelines. Loved it
Oh boy I enjoyed this. That's hilarious, great writing and so easy to appreciate in this community.
Great! I envision a great battle between the protagonist and Leon.
"And you didn't send a SASE! Wait until I tell Leon!"
Loved this.
I love the Glock in the socks like twisted Dr. Seuss.
At last, a story that shows how editors and writers really talk to each other! Thanks for the laugh, Larry. *
Perfect.*
HA! "We've been publishing drivel longer than you've been writing drivel." Great line. Fun story!
I'm glad I'm not the only writer who stashes a glock in the sock drawer. Watch out, Leon!
Oh my god! This story is so funny! It cracked me up. The ending turns in a cool violent direction, leaving me wondering if he us grabbing the gun to commit suicide or for self defense against Leon! Ha! Great pace, *****