Most recent stories

Killing Noise

23232323 views3737 comments2424 favs

I ate a novel. I digested a film reel. I vomited poetry.

Old man deodorant

22122212 views11 comment11 fav

“I’m surprised you haven’t fucked yourself to death, too,” he added, “given your record.”

Another Plastic Surgery

29702970 views00 comments00 favs

He told me to count backwards from 10. I was out by 8. He was now in complete control of my life – what a helpless situation.

For Some Grandparents, Last Goal is to Be Grandkids' Favorites

12441244 views00 comments00 favs

At Christmas, the van de Kamps made the trip to suburban Downer’s Grove and presented Courtney with a t-shirt saying “My other grandma is a grim battleaxe.”

Johnny Dangerously

28882888 views1111 comments99 favs

An old man, a widower; living alone, defenseless. It was a given.

Jonesy's Rhino

15431543 views00 comments00 favs

After Jonesy entered the bear habitat, he walked up to the biggest bear in the group and punched it square in the nose. The bear was visibly startled. I mean, bears don’t get punched that often. And there’s a reason: bears are ferocious animals.

What I wanted 1976

16871687 views1010 comments77 favs

turn my Dorothy Hamill into a golden shadow

what audible skill

10681068 views22 comments11 fav

We all heard the audible skill you had, speaking smoothly of our lives, saying audibly what has driven us, who are huge with night, rising with its origin inside, and clear water running past, beyond, behind, and after us. To honor, to fear utteranc

The Suicider (draft)

12851285 views00 comments00 favs

He woke up four hours later in his car in his garage with the worst headache of his life. He lurched out of the car and kicked over a basket of basil as he toddled towards the door to the house. He stopped and scooped the spilled basil back into the baske

For One Group of Boys, Donated Cars Mean a Way Out

11431143 views00 comments00 favs

The glamour of living in the Rebuilt Engine Capital of the World is meaningless to the young boys who roam its crowded streets after school, desperately looking for something to take their minds off their homework.

Confession

14301430 views22 comments22 favs

Tomorrow, they'd bury their daughter . . . and still, so many questions. Why would a beautiful fourteen-year-old choose for herself such a horrible, painful death? In life, she appeared the antithesis of suicidal ideation: excellent grades, well-liked in school and…

Bye-bye Love

14631463 views11 comment11 fav

Barbie wore only her clear pink heels...

Tax Tips From Tila Tequila, Professional Bisexual

13831383 views11 comment00 favs

“We’re never going to get off the treadmill of paying ever-higher taxes," I said, "unless we get some creative suggestions from a professional bisexual tax advisor.”

Celebrity Sighting

13721372 views00 comments00 favs

No, that can't be him, Joe thought. The guy was messing around the displays in back. He had walked in three or four minutes ago, by now, and he certainly looked the part — or at least Joe thought…

I'm a Clown in His Circus

12611261 views00 comments00 favs

He called me Jay. I called him Dr Corvid. Until the very end, we lived alone. We had no use for any other companionship. I was Dr Corvid's finest achievement until he perfected his Disintegration Ray. I was the first working prototype of Project Novus.Dr Corvid created me…

Honey

14591459 views44 comments11 fav

Third time that day, he was on me. On me like bees to a flower (or flies on shit, he'd correct me, no doubt). Sucking sweet nectar and breathing that breath — damn that breath — 'round my head, in my ear, pestering, bugging, like a bee he annoyed me. B

An Old Peach

16731673 views00 comments00 favs

Allen would stroll the remains of the orchard, reminiscing with Tad, flirting with dementia.

Unaswered E-mails Over a Cup of Coffee and a Microwaved Danish

18301830 views22 comments11 fav

Hi Zin, Really enjoyed seeing you again at Miranda Sinned. Looked like you enjoyed doing the St. Vitus. Don't ask me how but I got rum and coke on my panties. When I got home, I had a craving for tongue and my honey's talking squid, later, some fruit loops without milk. Q.…

Standards

11701170 views11 comment11 fav

All I ask is that the guy has teeth and an income. More important are the teeth because he can always get a job, but he can’t un-rot the teeth he’s lost to meth.

Sniping

14511451 views88 comments55 favs

Snipers wear camouflage clothing to avoid being seen. It wouldn’t do for a sniper to be seen because then the sniper might become the snipee.

To Whom It May Concern:

12661266 views00 comments00 favs

Now, we can argue about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but there is no doubt that it takes eight spritzes of Scrubbing Bubbles bathroom cleaner, three spritzes of Lime-Away, and then a 30 second spray of Oust to incapacitat

The Anchorman

11621162 views00 comments00 favs

Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of what we mean when we say "Tsunami: A Very Bad Thing."

HUSBAND (opening door & shouting): 'Hon . . . WHAT'S FOR DINNER?'

20482048 views11 comment11 fav

WIFE (calling back from kitchen): "Dick Cheney's penis!"

The Taste in My Mouth

13751375 views88 comments11 fav

whose spit is this?

What I wanted in 1981

19011901 views1414 comments99 favs

i stained his hockey sheets right over the red wings

1940 What I Wanted

12981298 views1212 comments33 favs

But this ache wouldn't leave me.

Texas

16781678 views88 comments44 favs

Cleaning the dust bunnies from under our lives, Zin says she wants to move to the country, maybe someplace as big as Texas. She claims that lately she's having trouble breathing between bricks or talking to hot chestnut vendors with rubber faces. It's giving her nightmares…

Latte Art

19811981 views22 comments11 fav

The barista with the fake rainbow nails and amazing cleft. . . .

holy the valley

970970 views22 comments00 favs

Apparently we must endure them forever, the gods. My willingness to live among them, and love, with their high-pitched voices. To endure or be endured equally, each one of the Fates, each one of the high hearers stammering out the certainty of their lov

In Battle of Mascots, San Dorito State Usually Wins

11771177 views00 comments00 favs

“A lot of kids–granted, kids who aren’t too bright–will choose a school because of its mascot, and that’s what Chipper is all about,” he says.