Stories tagged humor

It's May. Enjoy Yourself!

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May is National Masturbation Month. How do I know? My pal Senior Sex Expert Joan Price is not only vigorously celebrating, but doing everything she can to spread the word.“I'm on it!” I assured her when she told me. “Thanks.”…

To Do Reminders

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Frisbee dog. Stealth the cat. Read more. Cut toenails. Less wine. Bind the ties. Avoid mirrors. Divide water.

"Strategic Stare Sessions"

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Contrary to what people say, it is totally possible to stare into space and not be thinking about anything. It is absolutely possible. You just sort of sit there, staring at whatever is in front of you-actually you're not even staring. Staring implies comprehension. You…

Like Me On Facebook. Or Else.

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Do you spend most of your time on Facebook, or all of your time on Facebook?

The Famous Heart

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"But Rickety, I've been at the rehearsals and I know all the steps," says Lucidity. And Rickety takes an ax and chops off her left foot.

B.U.N.N.I.

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Then I see her walking down the grass aisle: my assignment. She looks nothing like the image I have been trained with, but her identifier is strong.

hump daze

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Before you start reading this it is important that you understand that I know nothing about the evolution of horses or camels. I mean, I literally know zilch about which came first or if they are even part of the same family. In my head I imagine one of those charts…

The Anorectic's Feast

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I was not a very emblematic child. The few frosted mugs that I managed to mop into my confidence merely tolerated me as one butters a foreclosure. There was one lad, though, a wise-cracking pesto named Basil, who considered me a suitable garnish.

Miss Coney Island

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My mother was a nickel and dime beauty queen. Miss Coney Island of 1940—August 1940, that is.

Killing with kindness

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I have a few medical issues.

Doctor My Eyes: The Ultimate Cataract Surgery Mix Tape

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Q: What's the best song to sing to your doc before cataract surgery? A: I Only Have Eyes For You

Diving Is the Only Thing That Helps

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“Best bet for that is the balloon shop by the swamp.”

Breakfast for Ten

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Chuck woke when he smelled cooking.

Retire! Dance! Die! But First, Pass the Chocolate. Boomers According to Google.

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Born in 1954, I identify as a Baby Boomer. But what does that mean, really? Who exactly are we Boomers? And how does the world see us? I decided to perform a quick Google Search and find out. I typed in the phrase “Boomers Are…” Here's…

Concerning A Case of Cigarillo Mania

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A quick review of the evidence establishes beyond reasonable doubt that Michael Brown was a Cigarillo addict, whose enslavement to the slim, white tipped cigars drove him to rob the convenience store that morning. And, by the time he was confronted by Wil