Stories tagged humor

My First Sonogram

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As I was checking out with the receptionist, Dope came barging through the door and told the guy at the front desk that I needed to be booked for this sonogram “right away, like within the next 72 hours.” My hands started to shake and my lower body b

Oh Hormones, What Did I Ever Do To You?

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Violet asked me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?" “An adult,” I said.

End of the Century

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She’s a blue girl, a girl in blue. In the doldrums and on the dole, or soon to be.

Animal Park (Part I)

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“The robin is the one. …

Abletofly: the new wonderdrug

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With Abletofly you will be able to fly and the feeling will be overwhelming! A few warnings and precautions: Don’t try to drive a car if you experience an erection lasting more than eight hours. Stay at work. Work overtime. Don’t t

The Darwin Awards

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Peter's first customer of the day was sent through the door marked with a D. He was a man from Detroit who got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing his head through a sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

My Favorite Wedding

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Then we put on our costumes. I was Adam, and she was Eve.

Quitting

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If you outlive me, she said, it won't be because I smoke but because of what you put me through when you quit.

Universal Theory #1: the 3-Step Secret to a Good Life

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1. Think up problems that don’t exist 2. Realize, suddenly, that they don’t exist 3. Elation

Advice from Topeka

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... I know all about ax murderers because Elmo, my uncle by marriage to my sister who never had any sense was one. He done killed six women in a farm outside of Topeka in the space of they say three minutes, including my sister and her bingo friends . . .

Why Dogs are Men and Cats are Women

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Dogs will hump anything. Cats do not hump.

Gods Sense of Humor (April Fools Challenge)

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I wonder, God. Do you sit around and play with the universe like it was your Wii? Or your Farmville? Or maybe your little iphone app? I mean, really. Did it ever occur to you that the little men, women and children on your screen actually bleed? Do you think…

The situationist(s) à la crème.

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Cut 4 cm-thick strips from suburban bouncer's deltoidsPlace 2 vegetarian piranhas in the oven......Preheat with a cup of wonderful love affairsCombine interactive art in crowd control operationsAnd persistent genital arousal disorder in a saucepanWhisk together survival…

Lenin's Paintings

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I was going through Lenin's jewelry and his paintings with a team of experts. I got the idea that I was hired to verify his paintings, although I didn't know he painted.

Of Turnips, Giants and Men

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The giant raised his tree, preparing to club the most recent knight-errant, when a voice caught his attention. “Pick on someone your own size!” The giant turned. The knight wasn’t going anywhere with his horse on top of him, and he was k