Stories tagged humor

Cheat Sheets

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I decided to cheat on my husband the day the washing machine broke. It was Darrell's fault, anyway. If he hadn't tried to wash the dog in the Maytag, none of this would've happened. It just goes to show that a man who forsakes the normal use of a househol

A Time to Every Purpose Under Heaven

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I came home from school to an empty house and watched the scrambled porn channel I could kind of unscramble with my black-and-white televisions v-hold and h-hold knobs. Hearing that cat wheeze down the hall in the bathroom was a mood killer.

If It Isn't One Thing, It's Another

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My friend says there's some kind of bug that bites its mate's head off after they have sex. I ask him which one gets decapitated, the male or the female. The male, he says. I tell him that figures. He nods. I ask him how he is…

Dear John

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Dear John,Hey jagoff, just writing a note to say farewell and as I pick up the pieces of my now shattered existence because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants, and impregnated another woman, I wish you luck in raising your spawn. Please don't reproduce anymore. We on…

How To Train A Rock

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The first thing one notices about rocks is they are essentially quiet creatures. Adverse to long discourses or extended bouts of conversation, they nevertheless are quite engaged in life.

The Job

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Well, it was on a Monday and you know how bad Mondays are to begin with. I had been up real late the night before playin’ poker and drinkin’. I was thinking that after a couple of hours the hangover would wear off and I’d be okay, but instead I s

Nursing Home Blues

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Nurse: Why don't you try some of this delicious food? Mom: What is that fried horse? Nurse: That's roast beef. Mom: I have a beef with this roast. Nurse: Well, at least eat some of your vegetables. Mom: You mean that boiled lump of g

Outer Space Visitor

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"Hello earthlings. I am an alien here from Mars." My ears immediately perked up and my curiosity piqued. I had never been to Mars and I had always wanted to go. Perhaps he could help me. NASA was way too expensive and if he had a spaceship I could easi

Kumquat Soda (and video)

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Pam spied her ex-husband, Steve, at a Whole Foods market. He was buying red organic grapes, seedless grapes, the type of grapes that babies choke on.

What Happened When the Power Went Out

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When the power went out, Doug clung to Emily like a lifeboat. He was being tossed on a sea of pillows and blankets in their bed — the bright lights of the city outside their window were gone. For years they had complained of the brightness beyond the gl

Husbands

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What a hoot men are. For years I tried to get Jim to share the cooking. This is how that worked. One Monday night I'd whipped up a meal of steak, tossed salad, two veggies, and dessert with coffee. The next day was Jim's turn to cook and he came home

Accidental Faith

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Until millennia have passed and the world is dug up For future historians to ponder And through their meticulous disassembling of dirt They will find my book.

Blacktop

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Infrastructure...

Chemistry (Valentine's Day Massacre)

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Whenever we’re carressin’, I find you quite engrossin’, I’m filled with vasopressin endorphins and oxytocin.

Blood Stains

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For Christ sake, my favorite cartoon was Jem and the Holograms but you wouldn't see her pink haired ass on my arm. I knew right then and there this session in the sack was going south quick. I guess we had better just fuck and get it over with. I got on