by Jack Swenson
I asked her: What's your point? She turned and gave me the evil eye. If you outlive me, she said, it won't be because I smoke but because of what you put me through when you quit. I had to admit she had a point. I was awful. I went crazy. I complained and complained. Everything smelled bad, I said. My hands and feet were cold. I got dizzy. My stomach was upset and I had a pain in my chest. I had a bad heart and cancer, I told her, which may have been true, but she with her fancy medical training didn't believe me.
And now? she asked. Do you have heart trouble? Lung or stomach cancer? Well, no, not at the moment, I said. That's what I mean. I quit and now I'm better. My heart got better. My cancer is in remission.
My wife went into our den, sat down, put her feet up, and hid behind the newspaper. I sat down on the couch across from her. You should quit, I said. If I could do it, so can you.
She put down the newspaper and looked me in the eye. I'm a married woman, she said. I have no desire to live.
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This story was published in Fiction at Work
Jack, you got rhythm and such a good ear for what is, on some days, so true.
Great last line. Expressed in irritation by many. Seriously by few.
The coughing and spitting brings back some ugly memories. I was a Chesterfield straights man.
Enjoyed.
The voice in this piece is solid, Jack. I really like it. No excess, nothing wasted. "And now? she asked. Do you have heart trouble? Lung or stomach cancer? Well, no, not at the moment, I said. That's what I mean. I quit and now I'm better. My heart got better. My cancer is in remission." Very effective. Good, good story.
Great lines in this one. They snipe like a real old couple.
I quit when I was only 23 and it remains the hardest thing I've ever done.
Wikipedia describes tobacco as an entheogen, as creating god within. I wrote a quitting story called "Cigs," -- the title has a comma -- (at Mad Hatters' Review) and your story brings it up for me (as another writer, Tia Prouhet, did with her story, "Nutrition"). The quit-smoking genre invites comparison: quitting tale to quitting tale. When I wrote my quitting story, I believed everyone ought to quit; I no longer believe that. My beliefs have changed so dramatically I should write another one and just smoke it like Gary Merrit's glamorous tobacco stills at Facebook. The last line here is shocking. What to make of it!? To pine for death is a constant eternal.
Jack, you start this one out with a great opening line, and it just keeps getting better from there, culminating with an even better closing line. Great writing here.
Thanks to you all, my friends. I was happy to get this one in Fiction at Work. Great little 'zine.
Well, the wife has a hell of a wit. Her put down is a ball breaking classic. As an aside, Ann's 3rd comment back has another great line: "Cigs, -the title has a comma". I had to use ctrl+ a coupla times to verify that.
great little piece. last sentence leaves me wondering as i'm quitting, too.
Oh man, it's like you were inside a woman's head for this one. I've always said that the reason more women than men smoke is because they're women living with men. Great work on this, Jack. It's concise and yet packs punch.
Jack, again, you strike hard, swiftly and well. What a great piece.
Great one, Jack. The narrator's voice really comes through and drives this story. You've nailed both of these characters. I liked that last line--unexpected, funny, scary, and sad all wrapped up into one!
Whoa! You really threw me off balance here, Jack, with that dynamite last sentence. Vivid dialogue, a very good story
Good stuff as usual, Jack.
What you do here is magic. That is all.
HA! Love that last line. Love how you drop right into the scene and the conflict here. I love this clean, unfussy writing that doesn't bury the story. Well done, Jack.
Pinch me. I must be dreaming! Thanks to all of you for your generous comments.
this one hit home for me. Women can't seem to stop ! How come? Maybe she had it right.
Being married may be the cause.
I hope she stops. I didn't and believe me, it is the pits.
This is wonderful. I quit smoking in what will be a year tomorrow. This rings true in every sense. My ex still smokes and I'm always trying to get him to quit and even though we're not together I know he's thinking of this last line when I'm on him. Great piece.
Great control of voice, pacing, the whole showcase of tools and techs. Good read.
That last line hit me pretty hard and made me laugh out loud at the same time. If my wife takes up smoking, I'll know I screwed up.
Great wit here--everywhere. the repartee is fine, the timing just right. And that the wife puts her feet up and hides behind the paper is a wonderful touch, unsettling our gendered assumptions about doing that!
floored. where i end and you begin -- it's the same place where love ends and control begins.
Sure appreciate the comments. To all of you: THANKS!
Ha ha... just saw this, how hilarious!
"I had a bad heart and cancer, I told her, which may have been true..."
This line is where I fell in love with the narrator, and his wife, and the whole piece. Wonderful.
i loved this- it seems so true of relationships!