Dr. Doom
by Jack Swenson
I passed out one night while I was standing at the sink brushing my teeth. I got to my feet and told my wife what happened. “How do you feel?” she asked. “Lousy,” I said. She called 9-1-1. The firemen came and then the emergency guys. They took me to the hospital.
The ER doc couldn't find anything wrong. "This happened before?" she asked. I told her to explain; her pronoun reference was faulty. She asked me if I frequently took a nap on the floor before bed. “Only when I'm drinking,” I said.
She sent me home. That night I slept like a baby. In the morning my wife went to work. She's a nurse; her specialty is cardiology.
I was finishing my breakfast when the phone rang. It was my wife. Her boss wanted to see me, she said.
My wife's boss, Dr. Allen (I call him Woody behind his back) , checked me out, and he couldn't find anything wrong. He asked me about my parents. When he found out that my father died of heart attack, he told the nurse to schedule a treadmill. He left rubbing his hands together.
I flunked the treadmill. Next stop: cath lab. A doc stood there holding a knife and saw behind his back just in case they had to crack my chest. Woody ran a wire up one of my arteries.
My arteries were fine. “Yes, but he smokes,” Woody said. One of the nurses fainted. Another made the sign of the cross.
That wasn't the end of it. Woody was determined to find something wrong with me. He did, too. He did some more tests and found some funny looking cells in my blood. He referred me to an oncologist.
By then I was a nervous wreck. The cancer doc wanted to do another test. What she did was auger a hole in my butt while I leaned over the exam table and watched television. When the results came back, I was relieved to find out that I didn't have leukemia as the cancer doc had feared. I had a form of anemia. No big deal.
I did a hop, skip, and a jump as I left the clinic that day. On my way out, I held the door for an old couple who were just the arriving. The old woman was taking baby steps. The old man was wearing gardening gloves.
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Author's Note
A farce based on a series of harrowing events, i.e., a more-or-less true story.
This is sweet! I love the use of the word "auger" in this context, Jack. "I'm drinking." How many times has this gotten me in trouble????
Jack, I like this progression, the way the story goes from startling event to a kind of medical forensics to a mild conclusion. Then, the end:
"The old woman was taking baby steps. The old man was wearing gardening gloves."
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I liked this. It was funny and interesting, and you have a great voice.
Hilarious. Good job. I agree with the "auger" comment.
This could be a play, or at least a playlet. So visual and alive, as all your work is, just loved the ending with the old couple and the garden gloves-- really quirky without trying
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yes to the ending two lines - wow...can't stop picturing that couple
So many nice little surprises it's impossible to stop reading. Love the nurses reaction to the smoking and his telling the nurse "her pronoun reference was faulty."
You had me at “Dr. Doom.”
Excellent as always, Jack. Love the ending.
Good piece, Jack. Great form here. And voice.
I like this a lot too because it plays the full circle beautifully.
Nice work. Very enjoyable.
Thank you, my friends. I figure if I'm going to dig around in past disasters, I might as well have some fun doing it. By the way, my wife's boss ("Woody") didn't like this story one bit!
Like it, like it, like it, Jack.
Only one sentence gave me pause: "He left me rubbing his hands together." I know what you meant but read it oddly...if you get my drift.
Cheers my friend.
"My arteries were fine. 'Yes, but he smokes,' Woody said. One of the nurses fainted. Another made the sign of the cross."
It's nice to laugh first thing in the morning.
Thanks, Jack!
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Funny stuff, Jack. I have an aversion to doctors and the medical profession as a whole, and this one pushed all my buttons.
I smoke, so I really dug: "My arteries were fine. 'Yes, but he smokes,' Woody said. One of the nurses fainted. Another made the sign of the cross."
loved the clean arteries, but "he smokes", she fainted.
great story, great ending.
Jules, Bill, James, Estelle. Glad you folks liked the story. My wife's boss, Dr. D., hated it.
This is such a great absurdest piece, life's randomness so well-stated.
Doctor Doom calling. He says, “Jack Swenson, go straight to the ER.” That’s because the mirthless Doctor Doom wants to perform a lobotomy on your brain. After reading your story, you made him do something sick. You made him laugh. Fave.
Lou, nobody has ever called me absurd before (or maybe I just forgot), but you are right!
Frank, how did you know? The good doctor did call me into his office to have a little chat. I had to go; he's my wife's boss.
Thank you both for your comments and for tacking on the stars.
Like it, as always, but one thing threw me: "The firemen came and then the emergency guys." Seems to imply that your asking why the firemen come first. Firemen are emergency guys, too. Not only are they trained rescue workers (as everyone knows) but they are also trained EMTs). They just don't put out fires and gas leaks, but they can restart your heart, too.
Also, 5th paragraph. Should be "dead of a heart attack."
Quirky little piece, got me laughing out loud at the nurses fainting and genuflecting. And not much makes me laugh. Well-played. Peace...
Matthew and Linda, I'm happy you like the story. And Linda, these days I don't blame you for not laughing much, but what can we do? Laughter's good medicine, they say.
Great piece, Jack. A perfect blend of light and dark. Fave.
I like the humor and ease of the story. It would take the tale to new heights if you could connect the couple at the end with the rest of the story. I sense that the couple is an extension of the fear of illness,a married couple facing it together, and of course the: As I leave relieved not to have a mortal illness here comes another couple that might face it as well. You know? Awesome story.
Best use of the verb "auger" I've seen in quite some time...of course this is funny and farcical (sp?) and just...insane. But I think the final image makes this, Jack. And "Dr. Doom" is a great title.
I Agree with Susan that it could be a play. Or a short film. Lovely sense of humour and quirky drama. What the doctor and patient want are so often not the same...
Amazing last lines.
another great one, Jack.
Jack, like with all your stories, I'd keep reading, no matter how long they were - this is super good.
Too funny. Gotta fave it.
"I told her to explain; her pronoun reference was faulty. She asked me if I frequently took a nap on the floor before bed. 'Only when I'm drinking,' I said."
How did I miss this? Jack, you kill me! *
Dean, Roberto, Kathy, Kate, Stephanie, Julie, Foster, Susan, Kim. Sorry that I didn't say thanks before; been goofing off at Bodega Bay for a couple of days. Anyway, thank you very, very much for your nice comments.
Good story, well written, I enjoyed reading. It pushed many of my buttons, also, in the aversion to the medical profession department.
Damn, Jack, I love all your 'more-or-less-true-stories' but this one is a real treat. The last lines are perfect. And though everyone else already said it, I'll say it too: I just love the image of you getting your butt augered.
I dunno if this is fiction, Sven Yackson -- it might well be a remeniscence. Us ol' coots spend a lot of time -- 30 years, here -- being pinched, poked and probed (I've NEVER been "augured", however). Rereading DOOM brought a quote to mind: "After 40, it's just patch, patch, patch." -- Shirley Maclaine
You've already had enough comments . . .
Love the quirkiness of this piece and the light hearted tone to a serious subject matter. The end is spot on.
The enthusiasm of the doctors over the narrator's possible terminal condition is what struck me the most... because it's so true.
"My wife's boss, Dr. Allen (I call him Woody behind his back)" - This made me laugh. :) Loved the humor in this one, and that it wasn't anything more serious than anemia.
gardening gloves! makes me smile.
This is a really weird story. I like it a lot.