Stories tagged humor

unwilling host

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blood-sucker down the drain

Jackie Kennedy, Marge Simpson & Longevity: What I Learned From Magazines This Week

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The title of the overdue book returned to a public library in San Francisco 100 years after it had been checked out? Forty Minutes Late.(Readers Digest, 04/17)In 1999, Kathy McKeon, Jackie Kennedy's former assistant, went to a Halloween party dressed in a Marge Simpson…

Latté plus

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Hurried, hassling suit in front of me is being awful to the barista. So she refuses to serve him, turning away.

The World’s Food Shortage Problem is Solved with My Insect-Enlargement Gun!

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People of Earth, a better tomorrow has come. I’m near bursting with pleasure to report that the global community needn’t worry any longer about food shortages and famine and the like. Why? My patented insect-enlargement gun!

Intro to Philosophy

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We now live in post-Postmodern Absurdist fear of course, says our smiling Prof. That’s the price we pay he tells us. . . .

Hooters Altering Iconic Uniforms for More 'Family Friendly' Vibe at New Outlets

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Oh, no, they’re ruining Hooters With these new “family-friendly” Unskimpified uniforms in Asia I mean, it’s “Hooters” Isn’t it? What could be More family-friendly Than hooters By definition they are “Family Friendly” Geez, get a li

Please Help Support My Attempts at Being Funny

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You can tell your doctor the truth Even if no one else will stop and listen He or she may have a balm for it To help make it go away Or at least go into remission Remission is the staging area for Lies Corporate and otherwise We don’t have

Elvis, Mosquitoes & Marilyn Monroe -- What I Learned From Magazines This Week

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People usually take fonts for granted.

sightings

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eight tiny ebony hooves barely touch the ground

Site-Specific

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I end our relationship when he calls my favorite Chagall “trite.” Anyone who glues thread to canvas and calls it “string painting,” has no right to use that word.

There's an Old Saying

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You can lead a horse to water But you can't force him to bathe Without a loofah

Monday

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Always in a hurry/to spoil your/weekend

Boil

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Boil (n.)––1. Pus-filled pustule inflammation of the skin, usually painful. 2. Slang boiled pus, bucket of (n. phrase)“Your asshole brain is a bucket of boiled pus.” (see also pus, SCOTTISH derogatory term for face.

Santa's stuck

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Santa’s stuck/you say? In the chimney of course./The lard-arsed ol’bastard struggling

The 3-Step Secret to a Good Life

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1. Think up problems that don't exist 2. Realize, suddenly, that they don't exist 3. Elation