Stories tagged humor

The Perfect Crime

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I had committed the perfect crime, and I had left nothing to chance; my best strategy was chancing nothing. Prudence and planning were my only allies, and these are the best allies of success. Usually.

It's the Great Conspiracy, Danny Brown

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Danny was only ten years old when he first met the man in the suit. His machine looked like a plotter and it was, sort of, but also something of a plot device.

Wild Badger Sneaks into Home, Impersonates Family Cat

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No one will ever call him our great leader Doofus, yes Horn-blowing monkey, certainly Non-believer squinting up at an eclipse That’s for sure But he will never go down in the Annals of history as a great leader The anal glands of history

Oh, Oh, the Second Vulture Has Landed Already

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The first vulture became very aggressive And began eating carry-on luggage The second vulture has landed And it’s wearing Patagonia The third vulture landed on the moon And began eating all the astronaut leftovers I was writing my new nove

Betty and the Neti-Pot Study Group Conundrum

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In results only recently reached By her Himilayan neti-pot study group It was firmly determined that Sex was the number one culprit In after-climax nasal congestion And that avoiding sex was the only way To keep those passages open and clear

Cloud 9, Really?

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I wonder, just a thought Who even dreamt to Teach a pig Latin? And why a starfish Mirrors the stars We do not know There’s a whole lot To wonder about Like, I don’t know How about Cloud 9? I want to know what happened On Cloud

The Fixer

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When someone asks me what I do, I tell them that I am a fixer. I fix things. There is nothing that cannot be fixed. Will it ever be as good as new? That is subjective, but I will fix it for you.

You Better Quit Your Runnin' Around

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I remember it was late at night I was with Johnny Appleseed’s younger brother Bruce Bruce Appleseed He was the lead singer for the band Fake Moustache Turns out he was just a bum Set on vibrate Who’d bought a 10-gallon hat once But h

What It Took To Be God

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You had to put up with Sunday drivers You had to love children All children, all of them! This is what it took to be God It wasn’t fun You had to be patient, sometimes You had to pretend to look the other way You needed to lose your he

A Special Assignment

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In the graph of life or death, two axes will inevitably meet. Will it be as jarring as two sharp and well-hewn axes colliding?

Remaking Your Dreams Come True

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Reincarnation. Not a bad deal, especially for cows. For the rest of us, it is like being in a witness protection program. And all without the risk of having those against whom you bore witness coming after you. Usually.

Ketchup In the Eye, 1

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It was my latest book, Ketchup in the Eye. It was on the best-cellar list of books that didn’t sell all that well, or at all, for that matter. Well, what the hell. Anyway, yeah, Ketchup in the Eye. It’s kind of a funny story. But maybe that was its prob

Micro-Managing My Fish at the Fish Market

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The girl at the fish counter was obviously brand-new and hated her job. She didn’t know where to place her knife on the fish to slice off two-thirds of a pound. “No, I said two-thirds a pound.” She was way down the piece of tail, at about a third po

No More Ideas

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And then, one fateful day, the world ran out of ideas. The last one was gone, floating away like a balloon full of the helium we had already squandered.

Don't Drink the Water in America

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During a party at your house, don’t be surprised if Americans just walk up to your fridge and help themselves. And you can forget public nudity with them, intoxication, or urination. Did we mention the violence of U.S. toilets? Americans are proud o