723 0 0
|
I had committed the perfect crime, and I had left nothing to chance; my best strategy was chancing nothing. Prudence and planning were my only allies, and these are the best allies of success. Usually.
|
69200
|
Danny was only ten years old when he first met the man in the suit. His machine looked like a plotter and it was, sort of, but also something of a plot device.
|
9811
|
No one will ever call him our great leader
Doofus, yes
Horn-blowing monkey, certainly
Non-believer squinting up at an eclipse
That’s for sure
But he will never go down in the
Annals of history as a great leader
The anal glands of history
|
300
|
The first vulture became very aggressive
And began eating carry-on luggage
The second vulture has landed
And it’s wearing Patagonia
The third vulture landed on the moon
And began eating all the astronaut leftovers
I was writing my new nove
|
6200
|
In results only recently reached
By her Himilayan neti-pot study group
It was firmly determined that
Sex was the number one culprit
In after-climax nasal congestion
And that avoiding sex was the only way
To keep those passages open and clear
|
55731
|
I wonder, just a thought
Who even dreamt to
Teach a pig Latin?
And why a starfish
Mirrors the stars
We do not know
There’s a whole lot
To wonder about
Like, I don’t know
How about Cloud 9?
I want to know what happened
On Cloud
|
69921
|
When someone asks me what I do, I tell them that I am a fixer. I fix things. There is nothing that cannot be fixed. Will it ever be as good as new? That is subjective, but I will fix it for you.
|
58143
|
I remember it was late at night
I was with
Johnny Appleseed’s younger brother
Bruce
Bruce Appleseed
He was the lead singer for the band
Fake Moustache
Turns out he was just a bum
Set on vibrate
Who’d bought a 10-gallon hat once
But h
|
54521
|
You had to put up with
Sunday drivers
You had to love children
All children, all of them!
This is what it took to be God
It wasn’t fun
You had to be patient, sometimes
You had to pretend to look the other way
You needed to lose your he
|
81121
|
In the graph of life or death, two axes will inevitably meet. Will it be as jarring as two sharp and well-hewn axes colliding?
|
71552
|
Reincarnation. Not a bad deal, especially for cows. For the rest of us, it is like being in a witness protection program. And all without the risk of having those against whom you bore witness coming after you. Usually.
|
13000
|
It was my latest book, Ketchup in the Eye. It was on the best-cellar list of books that didn’t sell all that well, or at all, for that matter. Well, what the hell. Anyway, yeah, Ketchup in the Eye. It’s kind of a funny story. But maybe that was its prob
|
2200
|
The girl at the fish counter was obviously brand-new and hated her job. She didn’t know where to place her knife on the fish to slice off two-thirds of a pound.
“No, I said two-thirds a pound.” She was way down the piece of tail, at about a third po
|
64521
|
And then, one fateful day, the world ran out of ideas. The last one was gone, floating away like a balloon full of the helium we had already squandered.
|
4100
|
During a party at your house, don’t be surprised if Americans just walk up to your fridge and help themselves. And you can forget public nudity with them, intoxication, or urination. Did we mention the violence of U.S. toilets?
Americans are proud o
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