The World’s Food Shortage Problem is Solved with My Insect-Enlargement Gun!

by Matt Rowan

People of Earth, a better tomorrow has come.

I'm near bursting with pleasure to report that the global community needn't worry any longer about food shortages and famine and the like. Why? My patented insect-enlargement gun!

How exactly will the device achieve such a lasting and profound effect? Simple -- just as advertised -- by enlarging an insect, oh, say, to the size of a largish turkey or horse.

I understand your skepticism, People of Earth. Insects are indisputably small, in more cases than they are not, anyway. How will an enlargement gun be able to spot and then enlarge one insect or more at a time? I promise you, the gun works. I know because I have tested its efficacy in my laboratory basement. I'll have you further know, I've eaten heartily without a trip to the grocer in weeks!

So don't fret the difficulty that could hypothetically manifest itself in finding and enlarging them. You can find insects to enlarge, I promise. Don't doubt me on that. It's actually pretty easy, finding insects. Many live under rocks in your garden or behind the drywall of your home and basement laboratory.

The insect enlargement gun is perfect for anyone who has ever wondered what the most terrifying, formidable insects in the world taste like. I mean, what they really taste like. Eating them in their un-enlarged state just does not do their many juices and flavors succulent justice. Especially when you consider that the eyeball, in my opinion, is the best tasting part of the house fly. I eat them like apples though they taste more like worms. Tangy orbicular worms.  

I remember when the idea first came to me, sitting in my basement laboratory, silently and glossy eyed. It was spurred by conscious awareness of how unlike I was, as a human, to every other human I could ever recall meeting, People of Earth. Even my wife and children no doubt found my behaviors eccentric. I kept purposefully considering how best to change my erring ways. For one thing, how does a man eat so as not to attract attention to the rude spectacle of his eating? And I put myself in the mind of an insect, rather naturally. I mean, given the context it is perhaps seemingly unnatural but at the time of my doing so I considered it perfectly natural and right. Insects eat so little relative to humans, if much more violently and, so, messily. I have yet to resolve the problem of my table manners, as you were all witness to during the repast portion of this luncheon / lecture.

But in so thinking as an insect and of eating, something got crossed or switched or the two were just conflated and now here I stand and there in the audience you sit. Me, with my insect enlargement gun and you, with your soon-to-be enjoying the benefits of this groundbreaking invention.

Some such benefits, a mere but literal taste, are the sandwiches I prepared and you ate heartily moments ago. Sandwiches comprised almost entirely of things I found inside of a pill bug as big as a prairie buffalo! And you can't taste the difference, am I wrong?

Full disclosure, those weren't slices of bread as you presently understand the term.

It's a perfectly natural thing to eat, insects. Though the enlargement gun's primary function does not preclude, I suppose, diversifying what exactly it enlarges. I've admittedly given very little thought to that prospect. There are plenty of spiders, arachnids, to go round, as well. Those and rats, I guess. You can eat rats, if you like. I won't. Not with all the insects in the world to be tasted. Did you know there are literally hundreds of different kinds of insects, perhaps even multiple hundreds of kinds?

I haven't even begun to experiment on maggots and other insect larvae. Just imagine the possibilities that lie ahead.

Of course there really isn't any science involved in dispatching the insects once they're enlarged. Shotguns and chainsaws and small explosives, in accordance with proper safety measures vis-à-vis each weapon's use, are more than enough to take down even the largest cockroaches you inadvertently enlarged too greatly.

In the future, with generous grants from generous men and women like yourselves, it might be possible to build an insect slaughtering chamber that's an improvement over the ad hoc one I've built in my basement laboratory. For now, I dare to dream.

Yes, then, People of Earth, that concludes the lecture. Time for a little Q&A.

All right, then, you sir, yes, the man drinking from a fly's vagina.