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A Girl You Couldn't Hurt

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He started to concentrate on the music again. It was the album with the crazy picture of Monk on the cover, with a machine gun over his shoulder, a tied-up Gestapo officer and a female resistance fighter standing next to—a cow.

Orpheus Today

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It is only seven-thirty but the night is full, gloom seizing Highway 66. There is a carcass on the road, maybe a human, slumped next to an empty ice cream truck. Several stars hang up in the East, drunken constellations scrambling to find meaning.

Round And Round

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"GROW A PAIR AND DRIVE! DRIVE!!"

Unemployment

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The line of the unemployed wrapped back on itself like an accordion pleat and extended all the way across a great hall You could see the faces of them, bluish and drawn under the dim florescent lighting First in

Every Moment Is Lovely, Yes

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The man was happy, filled with it, the happiest he had ever been. He was so happy that he felt he did not deserve it and he deflated. A woman with apples for shoulders and an eep for a laugh told him that he did deserve to be happy and the man thought

The Celebrated Jumping Flippit of Tau-Ceti IV

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One day me an' Elvis was down at the riverbank with Huckleberry, chasin' darters an' watchin' barges go by. It was a lazy day bein' a Sunday an' all. We had jest got back from Church an' Mami told me to change my clothes so's that I didn't get my Sunday

Mai Tai Daze

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Some people hate Waikiki. Not me. Most hotels had lounges with live music, either inside or around the pool. Evenings were spent bar hopping up and down the strip, Kalakaua Avenue. The bars stayed open till 4:00 a.m. It was safe to walk…

Beautiful Girls

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and all the beautiful girls are in the river And they went in dirty But they came out clean

The Rumble Strip

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But, The Driver talked about speed. Something about pulling her off easy or we’ll blow our tires. “No telling what’s off that shoulder,” he’d say.

Berto and Cosi

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Berto had come to live with me a month earlier. He’d been cursed by being the favored child of our parents. Their indulgence resulted in a 40 year old man and heroin addict from age 17 and all that accompanies such an existence such as thievery, larcen

Nancy's Brother

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Nancy's brother, Ronnie would wait until church was out and pull the bench up to the piano play and sing show tunes, even humming them loudly if he didn't remember the lyric. Crooning away — as if he had the lead in a Broadway musical. Well, that was part of it,…

The I-Penis

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You’ll end bar-hopping once and for all You’ll never leave the house Steve took this one with him to the grave because he knew nerds everywhere would stop speaking to him Yes, that’s right, it’s the magnificent new I-Penis with built-in 10 m

Fish Boil

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Put sunscreen on your / bones.

Baby, Baby...

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Co-workers come in to pee or brush their teeth and the pump squeaks and from the stall, Ling says sorry…I'm sorry.

Nothing

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I dream about the boy in The Neverending Story, the gate of mirrors, and the Nothing, a dark cloud that floats in the sky, takes away everything.

You Can Go Now

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The summer when I was six and my sister Audrey was eight, she'd walk around our house pretending to be in a trance, fingers strategically hovering over my mother's vases and lamps, leaving smudges behind on my father's heavy oak desk and rocking chair. She'd lumber past my…

Thirty Seconds

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That was all it took. Thirty seconds.Half of a minute.30: He was standing with me on the corner of the street, 29: waiting for the crosswalk to say it was okay for us to make our way to the other side. 28: The red "do not walk" signal changed to the white "join us over…

Happiness

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Was I a dreamer? Was I asking for too much?

Emotional and Overheated Words Online Reviewers Of Lava Lamps Might Wish They Could Take Back

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“In retrospect, perhaps I should ask my renter’s insurance to cover damage from lava lamp discharges. But I am not a person who enjoys a fracas.”

Vampires Suck

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The little clapboard church sits stiffly in the sun. It's steeple marking time with it's shadow on the sidewalk. It is the last place most people would think to look for a vampire, but I am sure that one is in there. Contrary to popular opinion, there

Gogol vs. Quixote

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“We all come out from Gogol's 'Overcoat'," said Dostoevsky. Well, sometimes, I think otherwise.

things to know about the people parked along the road that runs through Humboldt Park: part 20

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I traced the vein that rose in her temple when she got angry all the way along her body until it ashed out varicosely on her smooth calf.

Charlie Rose Chats with Mark Twain

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It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Yard Man

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It seemed there should be more tongue, so I started more, getting closer, and disguising my interest as being personable and caring about the yard triangle.

Physics 101

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The cellar smelled like an aroused muskrat.

How Chupacabra Broke the Heart of God

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And God said, Let us create a being in our image, after our likeness, for God was alone in the universe.

Meryl Streep Laughed at That

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The boys' mother lived in a house two lawns from his, but she wouldn't bring him ice packs; she had her period, she said.

Enigmas

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Fish don't walk.

The Sally-Anne Test

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Sally-Anne is in a graveyard. A girl about her age and height died two years before. Sally-Anne is digging up the bones. Her parents Aaron and Rebecca think she is at her piano…

Drought.

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423 days. The old man still possessed the child-like habit of biting his lower lip when he wrote. The thick skin as dry as pork rind. He recorded the days without rain in a spare, makeshift almanac. The pages waxened from the soiled press of his hand