Emotional and Overheated Words Online Reviewers Of Lava Lamps Might Wish They Could Take Back

by Jeff Questad

“It takes a long time for the lava in this lamp to heat up. I am disappointed in this purchase considering it cost me $26.  Shipping and handling were included, but that's bittersweet consolation.”   

“After being on for a few hours, the bulb get gets hot and all the wax bubbles to the top in a large glob that won't descend.  The water begins to boil, the casing becomes hot to the touch, and it gives off a burning smell.  If you touch the base or the power cord, you can feel electricity go through your hands and sometimes - not all of the time - you may vomit.  I am considering returning this lava lamp.”  

“I wouldn't say the water was murky.  More cloudy.  Some reviewers have stated that cloudy is worse than murky.  That's where you and I just have to agree to disagree, my friend.”  

“In retrospect, perhaps I should ask my renter's insurance to cover damage from lava lamp discharges.  But I am not a person who enjoys a fracas.”

“Remind small children who keep it at their bedside to turn it off after 7 hours or it will boil, crack and leak.  Or worse.”  

“The orange lava in this lamp isn't tangerine. More like a burnt orange. Therefore, I am forced to rate the appearance of this lamp as more contemplative than invigorating.”  

“It makes a strange, crackling noise alternating with a low pitch hum.  I always remind my guests: ears and eyes, people.  Ears and eyes.”

“There are some weird flaky things floating inside and what looks like a J-shaped piece of metal at the bottom of the lava chamber that must have broken off during shipping.  But it performs many of the tasks I expect of it.  My brother, before he died, always said I was lucky when it came to lava lamps."   

“I bought this lamp a few weeks ago.  Tragically, the color of the lava has changed from bright yellow to something more like butterscotch.  We've moved it to a less confrontational coffee table.”   

“I thought it would be more formidable and wondrous.”

“The lava lamp performed pretty well for over 3 weeks before becoming muddy and discolored.  Then it was knocked over by the cleaning lady.  She meant well.  Her instinct not to let dust gather on it was correct.  It is her physical handling of the task that left something to be desired."

"I haven't decided if I will buy another one.“