Charlie Rose Chats with Mark Twain
by Jack Swenson
Mr. Twain, you make no secret of your contempt for the U.S. Congress. Am I correct in making that allegation?
Indeed you are. In my opinion, no man's life, liberty, or property is safe while Congress is in session.
Aren't you being a little harsh?
Not at all. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
But these are for the most part intelligent and well-educated men and women, are they not?
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
You question their intelligence?
Let me put it this way. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Idiot. Isn't that rather a strong term?
Perhaps. However, I believe that it is fair to say that all Congresses have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.
Harsh words, Mr. Twain, but I thank you on behalf of my viewers for giving us something to think about.
(Fade to a promo for “All Things Considered.”)
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Author's Note
The crux of our problem: they have the power to fix things but not the will.
Nice twist, Jack.
"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can." Yes.
Really like the form. Good work.
Aw, Sam beat me to it. I loved that line too! FAVE.
Twain, like Yogi Berra, gets credit for a lot of great cracks that somebody else said. "No man's life, liberty" etc. is an unattributed quote in a decision by Judge Gideon J. Tucker of something that Daniel Webster probably said first, in slightly different form.
I think the quote that's most often given this treatment is "There's a sucker born every minute." That one comes not from P.T. Barnum but from David Hannum, perpetrator of the Cardiff Giant hoax.
Still, a fun read.
We are doomed.
'fraid you're wrong about that, Con. Both Judge Tucker and Daniel Webster are fictional characters created by a spokesman for the Tea Party in Sarasota, FL.
yep! fave!
Jack, this is filled with delightful irreverence and love the form, and choices. A dazzling counter-point on truly how desperate politics have become.
FAve.
politics, ugh ugh
Again, such great voices are expressed here. Very funny and very timely.
Fave.
Yes!
Mencken needs to be added to the mix.
Nice job!
Has the Tea Party commandeered Mark Twain as one of their own or is he a Kenyan-born unAmerican socialist to them? I can't keep track. Fave.
Thanks for giving us something to think about. Nice job.*
Ha! *
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love Mark Twain. You did him justice here! I wish he were still around. Well he is, for a little while, here.
*
Dancing Behind Bars, America's newest reality show, featuring slick politicians searching for water on Mars as the best way to wash their cars.
Ah, great, love the witty, smart and cantankerous Mr. Twain and this piece, Jack, Well done!