Stories tagged satire

Orchard

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I used to score girls by taking them on a ride past Frauenstein, up on a hill where you could see the trees, the whole lot of them sparkling white and pink in the breeze.

MY Last Lecture: Achieving MY Childhood Dreams

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The following is an excerpt of my commencement speech at The Hamlin Refrigeration Vocational Institute. Although I am NOT terminally ill, in all honesty, I haven’t been feeling all that great since, I would say, around April…

My Most Humble Request

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Do not shake the baby. Shake the martini. That’s what martinis are for.

Slave to the Rhinestone

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He introduced himself as Jimmy Stamps and shook my hand with the confidence of a man who is Microsoft Windows certified. Reeking of vodka and Swisher Sweets he proceeded to expatiate on the virtues of X

The Revolution will not be Funded, but it Might Involve Doughnuts

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Laura's last day did not end the way she expected. She expected her last day as a housekeeper to proceed as had the others — beginning in the kitchen as she sprinkled scouring powder across the stovetop, and ending in the parlor, as she vacuumed and shimmied to …

Better Than Court TV: The Poetic Defense Attorney

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Officer Flub, is it not a matter of veracity that a pale, anemic moon shone barely in the starless sky?

An Insurrection (revised)

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I started to speak in tongues, some would say uttered nonsensical sound poetry. People would tell me to speak clearly and try to make sense. The deterioration of my “normal” style of reputedly “enigmatic” yet “compelling” communication skills

The Amazing Adventures of Macro-Microbe

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Macro-Microbe parked his car and proceeded on foot, which was a misnomer because he had no feet. Typical for Manhattan, no one gave him a second glance except for a homeless woman who tried to sell him hand-sanitizer. Macro-Microbe locomoted himself insid

My Own Worst Enemy (revised)

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There was so much to overcome after a childhood of hiding self-loathing and panic under pillows, so much to do to make up for loss: the pursuit of a generous fan club, which entailed the cultivation of an opaque, John Galt persona, a larger than life self

French Vanilla Death

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She found him sprawled on the floor, facedown in the International Delight. Not surprisingly, even the defunct stranger had preferred the French Vanilla over the awful Amaretto.

A Letter to the Global Warming

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I am mightily pissed. I was, like, waiting for you last night, at the Greenhouse cafe, and you stood me up. I should have listened to my mom who always advised me not to go on blind dates, but you are so popular that I just couldn't help myself. When I ca

French Vanilla Death - Prima Parte

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At the time, we only knew that our guest had been lying on the carpet long enough for the coffee spilled on him to have coagulated and almost completely dried, and for the French Vanilla to achieve the consistency of glue. Or, at least, a thicker glue.

French Vanilla Death - Seconda Parte

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The lead man, who did not seem to be the most important or distinguished, just the one walking in line before all of the others, knocked twice on the door and opened it quickly. He stepped gingerly through the doorway and the others filed gloomily in afte

Recovering From Debt Rape

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Sure, we'll look at the causes for the lack of smackers, but, really, if you had a Swiss bank account stuffed with dinero, you wouldn't care how much your spouse's sex-change operation costs or if your boss approved of your lunch-hour massages you receive

Who Wants To Be A Celebrity?

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I love reading about myself. There's nothing more gratifying than seeing my name in the paper and knowing so many people are interested in who I am and what I do, no matter how trivial or mundane. It reconfirms my being on this strange world and the path