Stories tagged humor

The Infinite Monkey Theorem

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Yahweh’s a betting deity, as bad as Lucifer at times. If you don’t believe me, look at the duck-billed platypus. Yahweh lost that time. So did the duck, but that’s another story.

Amber

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I am the marigold wheel no one can understand, the menace your grandfather warned you about. Yes, yes, that last phrase was overkill...

An Unheeded Return

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On an over­cast and humid day in August, Jesus—with Dad’s per­mis­sion, of course—decided to make his grand return.

Golden

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No flinch, no stretch, no letting the cook get all golden about the chopping block.

Shrine

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My tongue is clicking. I want to act out. I want an unprofessional bargain.

Portrait

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Hers or mine? You figure it out, jackass.

Pieces

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I was a whole man once.

Sheer

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That's when we struggle, got it? Right there on the floor. It's not the brawl of the century, and I'm not the pilot who delivers the Enola Gay.

No, You Don’t Know What I am Thinking

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Scratch his eyes out, flashed through Edgar's head, scratch his eyes out.

Baffled

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It's a tunnel, you know, like the neck of a bottle, the tunnel the hair comes up, it's coming out soon, I'm an adolescent now, dammit.

Proclivities

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“Books,” I said. “Excuse me?” she asked. “Sorry. Uh, this place has a lot of, uhh, books.” “It does. Bookstores have a proclivity for them.”

A Midsummer's Nightmare

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"So, is this the datgum exit?" "Grumphfr exit fregerrock." (This response means either yes, it is, I told you that ten miles ago, or, no it's not, I told you that ten miles ago, depending if it’s the right exit or not.)

Noodles

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It's Granny hauling her crooked soul into heaven. Guess who I stole that image from?

'Unclassifieds'

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*Must have excellent communication skills and be able to talk pretty good.

Unclassifieds 1

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*Must have excellent communication skills and be able to talk pretty good.