Unclassifieds 1

by Paul de Denus

Help Wanted / Bank Tellers

Leading moneylender is looking for an excellent customer service person to work in our fast paced ‘MONEY' environment.

-Teller or Sales experience preferred but will also consider Fortune-teller, Cheerleader, Day-care, Locksmith or Docent.
-Must have excellent communication skills and be able to talk pretty good.
-Other languages a plus but not required as most of “those people” don't come here.
-Ability to multi-task or even better, quadra-task.
-Must be able to count.
-Applicant will handle large sums of money, must not be starry-eyed over seeing such large sums of money and must not have dreamy thoughts about what they would do with large sums of money.
-Must be willing to take a polygraph daily, hourly if necessary.
-Must be a poor liar.
-Selected candidates must enjoy working with the public. This will include the cranky elderly, those needing small change, foreigners, Canadians, the blind and the guy who lives in a cardboard box behind our building.
-A degree in Psychiatry is a plus.
-Qualified applicants must possess a positive attitude, driver's license and gun permit. Must attend company target practice sessions (Tuesdays/Thursdays) and not be afraid to fire at will.

-A strong ability to stand is required. Jig enthusiasts, Irish clogdancers, twisters, jitter-buggers, people with wooden or cast-iron legs, the wheelchair bound or physically deformed need not apply.

-Pretty skin a plus! Blond a plus! Teeth a plus!

-If you've ever spoken these words- “Huh?” “Dude!” “Are you out of your mind!” or “This is a hold-up!”- please do not apply.
-Applicants who appear disorientated, spooky, display facial twitches or facial bandages, wear ski masks or who are just plain unattractive will not be considered and will need to immediately leave and flag down a doctor or policeman.
-Drive-thru experience also a plus. Must not use the term: sorry for the hold-up.

-Background checks of you, your family, your pets, your friends, your new friends and inquisitive customers observing you being interviewed for this position are required.
-Proper dress code strongly enforced. Women are asked to wear something slightly provocative- preferably low neckline and tight - as this is a bank and it's boring. Men- we don't care as currently all employees are straight single males. (except Chip we think, who really, really loves this job) 

Apply in person