Stories tagged comedy

MY Last Lecture: Achieving MY Childhood Dreams

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The following is an excerpt of my commencement speech at The Hamlin Refrigeration Vocational Institute. Although I am NOT terminally ill, in all honesty, I haven’t been feeling all that great since, I would say, around April…

A Dispatch from an Enivironmental Lawyer Who is Trying to Grow a Mustache

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Angelina Jolie, seducer of Brad Pitt, tattooed mother of rescued orphans, and the unlikely daughter of Jon Voight who broke Billy Bob Thornton's heart, is only two blocks from me, in a travel trailer on Seventh Street, gently rousing herself from sleep.

Life of the Mind

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Days went by as I stood in the woods waiting for a tree to fall, and when none did, I determined the universe is cold and indifferent and that man’s only hope is to buy wood chippers.

Responses to a writing prompt on story structure, filled out moments after learning of my girlfriend's affair

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1. Main character: Promiscuous girlfriend. 2. Main character's goal: Wants to have a lot of sex. 3. Obstacle: Has boyfriend. 4. Character's idea of a solution to the goal: Cheats on boyfriend.

Some Nature Haiku

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The proud, burly tree / Rests on the now crashed TV / Thanks a lot, nature

El Funcionario

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The man looks into the round face and tiny eyes of the lawyer and sees a brown pig. He wants to smack the son of a bitch and carve him up with the letter opener on the desk like a leg of Jamon Iberico.

Who Wants To Be A Celebrity?

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I love reading about myself. There's nothing more gratifying than seeing my name in the paper and knowing so many people are interested in who I am and what I do, no matter how trivial or mundane

Who Wants To Be A Celebrity?

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I love reading about myself. There's nothing more gratifying than seeing my name in the paper and knowing so many people are interested in who I am and what I do, no matter how trivial or mundane. It reconfirms my being on this strange world and the path

Scrawls From My Blue Period

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The following was written under disagreeable circumstances, in that I was present for them.

Role

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The pieces of bread dipped us humans in cheese, the cheese made by cows from our milk.

Freeway Deaths Attributed to Talk Radio

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"I was just coming home from work listening to Consumer Dave," said Murrietta resident Mick Baylor, through his attorney, "when my eyelids started getting droopy. And he was just talking about how Circuit City was going out of business and I was. . .well,

The Honorary Jew

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She doesn’t look convinced. Perhaps she’s set up an altar to a golden calf in the staff lounge.

Just A Girl

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“You guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I hissed to my friends. They were busy discussing the merits of arugula salad. “What is it?” Sally asked. “It's Gwen-fucking-Stefani!!!!” “Where?” “The table behind us. DON'T look now!” Of course San

Only a Memory Away

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When Uncle Dan got sent to the Alzheimer's ward, the ladies licked their lips. Fresh meat.

Accidental Faith

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Until millennia have passed and the world is dug up For future historians to ponder And through their meticulous disassembling of dirt They will find my book.