by Jane Hammons
I did not know that your father had died in Vietnam. Or that mine would.
I was not a hippie like you said. I just didn't want to be a cheerleader anymore that summer I grew small. Whittling away at myself, eating nothing but sunflower seeds and drinking Tab. I didn't know how to grow up. I was afraid I wanted to die.
You were big. Two-a-days that summer and still your belly hung over the waistband of your jeans. It was okay for you to be fat. You were Most Valuable Player, a blocker or something.
All year I had cheered you on.
I did not know the jacket had been your father's. I did know that you loved it; you wore it every day.
I was not asking for it like you said. I was not flirting. I was scared. That's why I giggled.
I did not want to go out with you, be your girlfriend, fuck you.
What I wanted was your hands off of me. So I threw your jacket into the water. I thought you would jump in after it. Then I would run away.
The pool was filled with girls their toenails painted rose, coral, ruby red—bits of treasure—flickering in aquamarine and boys with milky white shoulders, arms brown like seared meat from the bicep down. Everyone playing a splash dunk tease until they scuttled to the side and watched.
My bones breaking when you tackled me. Your jacket sinking like a wounded manta ray. Pleiku Da Nang Saigon in gold letters on black satin. Old Glory a small rectangle stitched to the map of that dying beast.
I still dream I died that day. And you were killed for hurting me. Our flag-draped coffins float to the surface of an uncharted sea and we appear together on the cover of Life Magazine.
All those years passed, but you won't look at me when I'm towed into your body shop the only one in town open all day all night 24 hours the coffee burns on the hot plate free to all who sit in the hard plastic chairs spooning powdered creamer into waxy cups listening to the whirr of impact guns tightening lug nuts, smelling the lube of the job you're doing and the cocoa butter sun tan oil chlorine of the summer your jacket drowned.
I would say I'm sorry if I thought you would say it, too.
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I started writing something for the Flag Day challenge, and it became this. I don't know if this is appropriate for the challenge now, but I guess someone will tell me if it isn't?
Published in Summer JMWW.
One of the best stories I've ever read. Amazing.
Very good piece, Jane. The imagery is economically effective. The pacing is just right.
Excellant Jane. 'wounded manta ray' echoed in the next 'flag draped coffins'. Dream of Cover of Life as patriots, then the run of all the senses at the end. Perfect.
Gosh, this is lush. I mean, everything is here. Fave.
Wow, what a story...
Thank you so much for the comments and of course for the faves. My son was watching me write this off and on this afternoon: he said I looked deranged!
i love the way this builds with little bits revealed each paragraph methodically sketching images of these two characters...the splash of colors poolside and then the colors literally rising to the surface. The long one sentence paragraph at the end has a cadence like a poem
Well, I have to agree with the first comment you got. One of the best I've read.
This story whispers at 120 decibels. It was so strong and subtle that I had to read it twice. What a perfect finish, "I would say I'm sorry if I thought you would say it, too."
It's a great ride, which makes the towed-in not looking, not saying at the end even more bracing--as if the reckless momentum of that past just ground to a halt in that waiting room. Really fine, Jane!
Loved this. Great semi-stream of consciousness, and so raw with desired remorse. Nailed the ending. Peace...
Have mercy this is very, very good. Great. It is great. There. Oh, and fine for the flag challenge.
Yes, great, not just good.
Splendid, poetic yet not static as poetic prose sometimes is, fave.
Strong story throughout. The first line is great, but I especially like the last paragraph.
Strong story throughout. The first line is great, but I especially like the last paragraph.
LOVE this, Jane.
thanks for posting it, so i can read it and re-read it and then read it again.
Hey thanks so much for reading this and commenting on it and liking it.
Insanely wonderful. I have to agree with Jack, Sara, and Meg (it's one of the best, it's lush, and i could re-read over and over).
Wonderful, Jane. Images, emotions - everything is here and everything is wonderful.
I'm going to re-read this one a few times.
This is one of my favorite openings and closings ever, especially the closing after that previous paragraph (and I agree with what Stepahie Bobo wrote). Wonderful texture, emotion, and imagery. Wow.
THRILLED TO ANNOUNCE THIS STORY WILL BE IN JMWW'S SUMMER ISSUE.
Jane, it's an amazing amazing story that has not left my side since reading it.
Excellent. So much is said here about the reasons we know and the reasons we don't know and the facts of our still being here in spite of all the insanity--both mundane and horrific in scope. Really great piece. Fave.
Another Fn success story! (because of the power of the work here). Sense of time/place, power of memory, menacing undercurrent, and of course, character. First line / last line and everything in between. Yes.
What a terrific story, it just blew me away
I am overwhelmed, happily so, by the response to this story. Thank you all so much. Really.
Just fabulous. Congrats on JMWW :)!
I agree with everything written above. Startling, gripping, wonderful.
Beautiful.
jane, this is so great, i actually stopped breathing half way through and the small hairs on my neck stood up, so good is this.
pacing is stellar. i hung on every word and stuttered through every rambling thought. you've got something here.
This is fantastic, Jane. The technique of alternating "I did not know ... I did know ... I was not ... I was not ... I was ... " is remarkable and each detail is exquisite and vulnerable.
Beautiful. A great last line.
"Everyone playing a splash dunk tease until they scuttled to the side and watched."
Such luscious prose. Wonderful.
I liked it.
I've read this several times, and each time I've gotten distracted before commenting. But I do want you to know how powerful I think this is, and how rich and emotionally charged. And all those details, and all those toenails, so well done.
This is special. It whispers to my brain.
I continue to be overwhelmed by the response to this. Thank you. Thank you.
fantastic story - very glad to have had the chance to read it, looking forward to reading more of your work.
I just love the poem-like last paragraph, and of cause the final sentence...
It's obvious that you went over and over this plot in your imagination -- JACKET is so well-constructed. What the reader ends up with is a terrific ANTI-war statement.
A piece that should be mandatory-reading in every creative writing class.
Beautiful and filled with what is necessary, but seems unnecessary. Wonderful work with details. Excellent read. Thanks for writing it!
Very nice, Jane, really nice.
The word to content intensity ratio here is extraordinary - so much conveyed with remarkable economy.
Wonderful.
Wow, very powerful and beautiful writing Jane. You don't seem to hold anything back here. Great work.
everyone has commented perfectly. What more can I say?
Marvelous story
I'm so glad that I'm finding time to catch up here. Thanks for an excellent read--a perfect story. So many great lines, but the one stuck in my head is "that summer I grew small".
My two favorite lines, one exact and evocative and its partner surreal...and evocative:
"The pool was filled with girls their toenails painted rose, coral, ruby red—bits of treasure—flickering in aquamarine and boys with milky white shoulders, arms brown like seared meat from the bicep down."
and then
"I still dream I died that day. And you were killed for hurting me. Our flag-draped coffins float to the surface of an uncharted sea and we appear together—patriots both—on the cover of Life Magazine."
but...if i were the literary fairy, i'd wave my wand and make you want to write a different closing line.
Brilliant, amazing writing. I love how you’re able to say so much here, in 425(ish) words.
congratulations Jane.
This is beautifully paced. And I absolutely love the reference to "boys with milky white shoulders, arms brown like seared meat from the bicep down..." and later: "listening to the whirr of impact guns tightening lug nuts, smelling the lube of the job you're doing" and how that evokes the rush of turbulent emotion.
Hey thanks for finding Pleiku Jacket and reading it, Paul.
Thanks for your comment on my story "Imperatives."
"Pleiku Jacket": What a good story. So much in so few words. A monologue, that girl's voice, the whole story there. And just the right ending.
Ginnah
Liked the glow of this story, even though it's about old wounds and old resentments.
Loved this: "arms brown like seared meat from the bicep down."
"that summer I grew small. Whittling away at myself" - says so much. I wish he had said he was sorry.
I love the density and the details in this section: All those years passed, but you won't look at me when I'm towed into your body shop the only one in town open all day all night 24 hours the coffee burns on the hot plate free to all who sit in the hard plastic chairs spooning powdered creamer into waxy cups listening to the whirr of impact guns tightening lug nuts, smelling the lube of the job you're doing and the cocoa butter sun tan oil chlorine of the summer your jacket drowned.--Faved
This is everything a short story has to be, shattering that which preceded it in the form and preemptively breaking that to follow. "Perfect flash" doesn't do justice. Here we find Literature.
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Controlled but emotionally intense. No story has hooked me like that since Joyce Carol Oates' "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been". Amazing work.*
Was directed here by Matt Robinson. Yeah. I'm sure it's all been said. Stunning story.
Hey Matt--thanks so much for finding my old Pleiku Jacket. Your comment is much appreciated.
Amanda--that is one of my favorite stories written on any planet at any time. I'm flattered by the mention in connection to Pleiku.
Sally--thanks for the read.
Trying to put together a collection of flash and this is came at just the right time to support that. Even though I haven't been here much (at all!) lately, this is one of the things I love the most about Fictionaut. The surprise, the support, the wonderful readers and writers.
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