Tips for the Prospective Superhero
Expose yourself to radiation. Work out daily and lay off the Twinkies. Acquire large sums of cash. Learn to sew. Work in the pharmaceutical or genetics industry. Expose a predatory insect to radiation then have it bite you. Buy large rolls of spandex from fabric store. Have relatives or friends who may be clones. Rent a spacious top-level apartment in the city with a skylight and non-inquisitive neighbors. Drop out of school. Buy a journal and keep a list of excuses. Run wind sprints and lay off the beer. Use teeth whitener. Be at the end of your rope and take a head-hanging walk through the worst part of town. Learn how to dodge bullets. Find a town with a super villain and move there. Keep your girlfriend/boyfriend at a distance. Live in the worst part of town. Learn how to keep your cool and tell one-liners under stress. Keep a list of secluded spots for changing clothes. Go to therapy for your acrophobia. Be an orphan. Buy glasses. Work in law or the aerospace industry. Spend large sums of cash. Throw away your television. Have trouble paying your bills. Learn kung fu. Have your girlfriend/boyfriend and/or any of your relatives die tragically. Talk to yourself in long explanatory monologues. Have foster parents. Expose yourself to lab experiments that most likely will go awry. Have parents who you think are your parents but actually aren't. Be an enigma. Never age. Work the night shift. Die and come back to life.
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Oh I'm gonna love this one. I just know it.
(I haven't read it yet.)
Oh. My. God. You've done it, Christian. You really have. THIS IS THE SHIT. It's like a guide, a blueprint, of how to be a baller.
I think about this once a day: "Learn how to dodge bullets."
I need practice.
I think about this once a day: "Learn how to keep your cool and tell one-liners under stress."
That one-liner right there is smooth, smooth, smooth.
I think about this once a day: "Never age."
Peter Pan's my boy. We refuse to grow up.
"Die and come back to life."
I WILL WRITE THIS DOWN IN MY MOLESKIN NOTEBOOK SO I CAN HAVE THE GUIDE WITH ME AT ALL TIMES.
I want to give this more than one star.
What? No leaping tall buildings in a single bound?
Great, Christian!
Enjoyed this, Christian. Great form: "Be an orphan. Buy glasses. Work in law or the aerospace industry. Spend large sums of cash. Throw away your television. Have trouble paying your bills. Learn kung fu." Good work.
It's official. I'm your biggest fan.
"Find a town with a super villain and move there." - I actually laughed out loud.
Hmmm... Now where did I go wrong? Must've been the 'lay off the beer' part :-)
Excellent little thing, this is.
Get those suction cup thingie-gloves. get lots of gear that can be propelled from a device that looks like a pen. Glad to see you worked twinkies in, I was starting to worry about you.
Thanks to everyone who has commented so far!
Gosh this is great advice!!! hahahaha!! Love this!!!!!!
Perfect.
"Buy glasses. Work in law or the aerospace industry. Spend large sums of cash. Throw away your television. Have trouble paying your bills." You had to include the TV sentence! Otherwise I'd have been there. This is great stuff. I've watched so many superhero movies with my son that I love this piece even more than I otherwise would.
Anyone else feeling horrified about the lameness of their own blog?
Funny and the voice really carried me. I love the "Die and come back to life." That's what superheroes do.
Damn, Christian. I wish I'd written this. It was RIGHT there and you just knocked it street-side.
Really good, really original. loved every line. Super idea, this one!
Oh, this is great. Love those instructions.
I'm really falling behind--thanks, Meg, Jane, David E., David W., Sheldon, Foster, and Jon, for reading and posting comments!
gorgeous. transformative. super.
Thank you, Finnegan!
Nice list. I could name about half of these guys. Not bad, eh? I like the perspective that these guys are really non-super.
great!
"Never age. Die and come back to life."
Very entertaining. Like this a lot.
very much love.
Thanks, AJ, Dorothee, Matthew, and Julie!
Funny funny.
Thanks, John!
How fun and great. I will follow all these hero making tips. So far I have two down.
Thanks, Lisa! Get in touch with Jason from above--he's working on the list too.
Great stuff, Christian. I like this one a lot!
Really great.
"Use teeth whitener....Work in law or the aerospace industry....Be an enigma." Excellent! Made me laugh.
So funny. I don't know why anyone would want to be a superhero; the hours are lousy. Thanks for the laugh, Christian.
Perfect and amazing.
Oh my god! This is perfect. As a comic-book-wife, this makes me smile.
"Be at the end of your rope and take a head-hanging walk through the worst part of town."
great job, though im a sucker for any thing that plays with genre stereotypes blatantly.
Ah! One of my favorite topics, Christian! We are going to be fast friends. Like your style.
Faved it! xo, H
Great stuff, Christian -- I love this. This cracks me up: "Be at the end of your rope and take a head-hanging walk through the worst part of town."
Thanks to all who have read and commented on this story since I last said thanks!
Sounds simple enough!
Christian, thanks for your comments on my story (or whatever it is) "imperatives." I just read "Tips..." Many laughs out loud. Bravo.
Thanks, Sam and Ginnah!
this is so great I love it. it's very humorous, and I really like that the superficial aspects of superheros were inter-fused with the "heroic" aspects. this is definitely a fav. putting each typical characteristic of superheros in blunt terms like this really make you go, "oh, wow. Yep," nodding along with each sentence.
Thanks, Katie!
This is so perfect, every sentence. I am taking all of your advice. If you haven't yet, please post on the group The Comic Story so new readers can find it. Fave* with five stars.
Thanks, Gloria!
That's good. I love all the imperatives. I don’t think you left anything out. Yes. Funny.
Thanks, Steven!
Great story, Christian.