We Are Not Joaquin Phoenix

by Christian Bell

I've never watched the movie We Own the Night, but I've always liked the title.  Joaquin Phoenix starred before he quit acting for rapping and went goofy on Letterman.  I love the DVD cover that has his gargoyle head in profile.  Sometimes, I like to play some thumping techno, pose my head like Joaquin, and think, yeah, I own the fucking night.

Speaking of Joaquin, Gladiator on VHS destroyed my VCR.  I bought it pre-owned from Blockbuster, who told me that they weren't responsible.  Cancel my membership then, I told the manager, who was perplexed by my request.  One night, somewhat drunk, I egged the store—a completely irresponsible act.

Is Joaquin Phoenix serious with his rap career?  Who the hell knows.  Casey Affleck filmed his efforts as a documentary but it could be mockumentary.  Maybe it'll depend upon critical reception.  This is how I operate.  My life, mock or doc?  You tell me!

All this Joaquin Phoenix talk has inspired me.  I've decided to quit writing and pursue my true lifelong passion—yak herding.  Hold your applause please.  I'll no longer be responsible for your entertainment, bowel irritation, or whatever else my writing provides.  I am moving to Bhutan.  My name is now Angyen Komodus Waa-Keen.  If you brave the harsh Himalayan terrain to find me, I'll be wearing an Urban Outfitters fuchsia flannel-lined robe (or just look for the only white guy shepherd).  I won't own the night but I'll own the pre-dawn.