Recent Rejection Letters

Dear Meg,

I've enjoyed your collection of recent rejection letters, but unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to not fave them at this time. Please understand this not not faving is not a reflection on you, and that I not not fave many works on a not-so-monthly basis.

All tied up in nots/knots,

C

HAHAHAHA!!!!!

Dear Meg,

Your breasts are lovely, but alas, I am currently awash in perfect breasts and expect to be so for the remainder of the decade. This is not a reflection on your breasts, merely a statement of how it is, currently, vis a vis breasts, in the World of Gary, which is, admittedly, a lucky place to be. But not for you.

Best wishes in placing your breasts elsewhere.

gary

Dear Gary,

Thank you for your lovely thoughts about my breasts, and their loveliness. I am awash in lovely thoughts about them too. I understand how hard it must be to be covered with so many breasts, that is the world of Gary, and how many breasts you must therefore reject and though of course it is a "lucky place to be" I'm sure it dips and peaks.

Dear Chris,

I've enjoyed your enjoyment of my recent hurtful rejection letters, but unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to keep this up just of you. Please understand this not my job requirement, to be entertaining the people who hurt me the very most, as you have done here. It is not a reflection on you, or a reflection of you or me. Or us.
All tied up in square roots,

Dear Tom,
Thank you for sharing your penis with us.

We gave it careful consideration, but did not think it best suited to any of the spaces we currently have open. We hope you’ll soon find the right home for it, and that you will continue to think of us when you have new work.

BRILLIANT work Meg. Made me truly laugh out loud. Not sure the proper internet abbreviation for that, perhaps Laughed Until My Body Shook Itself Into Individual Atoms.

oh dear! ha!

Dear Meg,

rejection is such a harsh word. Think of my note as an opportunity for others to further sample your talents. With all my heart I wish you the very best with other's sampling you to your fullest potential.
*

Dear Tom,
Thank you for sharing your rejection letter about your penis with us here. At this time, we do not reject rejection letters... however, sorry to say, we also do not publish them.

I am afraid that puts you in limbo. Please be aware the 99% of the penises who share their rejection stories with us are also in limbo.

I hope your atoms are well. You seem to have very nice ones.

yours, the editor.

Dear Andrew, thank you for rejecting the harsh word "rejection". I would like others to also sample your talents as they have sampled mine and yours and so many samples it gives on a stomach ache. It is only right, and with all of this rejection swirling around, it is not fair to say but it is not fair. -The Editorial Staff

Dear Meg, Here at Findlefart your work is read by a committee of at least three readers. None of us found your breasts, orifices or over-all appearence right for Findlefart. We do not reject, but we do decline. As your being does not meet our specific needs at this time we must decline. Keep Offering!!! Hopefully you will find a home in the near future.
All the best, Burke

Another slice of the Meg Pokrass brilliance pie! fave

Dear Burke,
thank you for declining my breasts and my breast work. I am not at all surprised that my being is not the right being for your being. As my grandmother always said "for every pot there is a lid." Of course she never found hers. Wormly, Meg

Ah, similar to my grandmother's old saying "spit in one hand, wish in the other and see which one fills up faster"
Your best being is yet to come!
Burke

Dear Christopher, thank you for rejecting my gender. I feel a lot better that you are not really rejecting...er... me. I am sorry that you are confused at this time, a full-figure really should not "shock"... rather, "inform" the user. Ladies do not glisten, they sweat, OK?

I too am gay, or was gay, until I got this hideous and unfriendly, breast-phobic letter. Now I am Yag.

whoops! Here was Christopher's:

"Dear Peg,
I thought you were a guy. Just let me come out and say that. The whole internet dating thing can get confusing. Yeah. When you bared the breasts, honestly it was a shock--a nice full-figured shock, mind you. An 8+ I'd give 'em. But I'm gay. I thought we knew that. FAVE"

I-I-I-I-got the shakes after reading this and there at the bottom ... is a NUN!

Don't do that!

The Geneva Convention frowns on psychological warfare ... and breasts as metaphor.

fave for funny, painful, funny

I didn't read your piece because it had three words in the title and we've had it up to here with three-word titles.

So, I'm rejecting this out of hand, but I'm faving it because the piece smelled ballsy.

*

I'm still laughing at the Meguin pic.

Dear Meg:

It appears that your breasts have drawn a majority male audience. This makes me wonder if it was a good idea for me to lop off my right breast. It does make for a smoother draw on the bow, and the arrow does fly in a straighter arc, but now I'm having second thoughts about my Amazonian ambition. Have you any discount cards to Victoria's Secret? Perhaps they can fit me with one of those gel thingys and I, too, can garner the admiration of male writers everywhere by being rejected for my seemingly equally cleaved breasts along with other body (and soul) parts.

Thank you in advance for your reply,

Joani *

Dear Jim, I understand the desire to shake and vomit. Sadly we also do not like to admit that we shake and vomit to at least 99% of the comments we read and then emotionally reject as being "NOT JUST RIGHT FOR US". Please remember, it is nun-phobics like you who create more nuns. the more nuns you reject the more they procreate.

Dear Bill, I didn't read your rejection letter because it had three words in the title and I've up to my breasts with three-word titles.

So, I'm rejecting this rejection letter by habit, yet out of hand, and I'm letting you confess to faving it because the piece smelled ballsy.
Warmly,
Sister Ballsy

Dear JP,

It appears that my breasts have drawn a majority male literary readership in your sordid imagination. This makes me wonder if it was a good idea for you to auction your right breast on E-Bay. It may make your violin music sweeter, your sweaters longer, and the darts you throw at messenger boys straighter... but now I am having many, many thoughts about your disturbing ambition, blossoming right her on this page, the way us nuns are blossoming out of our habits after the doughy holidays. I do not have any freebies to Vicky's Secret (we know her) or Good Vibrations but, perhaps they will, by special request, fit you with an underwater octopus sampler (usually it is one size fits all). Clearly, you too, can garner the admiration of male sea anemones everywhere by being rejecting writers like myself for our clearly more interesting, craftsman-drawn cleavages. Do not worry, I will not send you anymore of my soul or soup stock parts. You are welcome.

Goddamn, gal. I cannot add to any of this. I defy myself to try.

thank you Misti! I am very appreciative and thanks for not rejecting me!

I like the form. Well done, Meg. Good stuff.

Ring Lardner: "Never include a self-addressed stamped envelope--it is too much of a temptation for an editor."

f

Thanks Sam. I was hoping you would reject me. How can I reject you back if you don't:)

Thanks Con. Yeah, Ring was right.

Dear Meg,

Thank you for your photo application for the nudist colony. We enjoyed it, and used the pointer on it often, as it was enlarged upon the side of the building. We find projections there bring in interested passersby, who then sometimes make their own applications to the colony. While you don't meet our needs at this time, we wish you luck elsewhere. Every nudist colony has its own personal taste that doesn't reflect on the applicants, who are encouraged to apply elsewhere.

Just --- well, we'd recommend getting that mole taken off first. We have a mole removal service many of our applicants have found useful. You can read the testimonials on our website. Other editing of your form works for a more all inclusive package, including skin tags, and microdermal abrasion.

Abrasively yours,
the team at
Nude R US Before We Bust

haha!

Dear Misti, thank you for calling me a goddamn girl! I think it is the nicest rejection I have ever received! I will keep trying to be a goddamned girl and I will never give up. (man i have been trying but it is hard to remain a girl). xo

Dear uhm, team at Nude R -

thank you for rejecting my photo application for the nudist colony. I enjoyed being rejected, especially after you used my photo to draw onlookers to the side of a building. I am glad my full-body building shot helped boost applications to the colony.

While I don't meet your nudity needs at this time, I wish you luck with other wanna-be-nudists. I do realize that every individual nudist colony has its own personal taste that doesn't reflect on the applicants, like myself, who have been so kindly encouraged to apply elsewhere after using my picture do enhance your overall marketing program.

Thank you for stating your opinion about my moles and skin tags, however craftsman moles and skin-tags are not replaceable. You can read about my journey toward love for them on my "I love my craftsman moles and skin tags dot com".

Microdermally yours,
meg

Dear Meg,

Your rejection letters broke my heart and turned me away from all probibilities of venturing where rejeciton letters might be possible. Nothing that chocolate cannot handle. Besides, most often the television has better convation and there's less messy clean up.

Best to you each morning,
Yvette

Now that I've had the opportunity to get past the images invoked here, the purposeful pairing of b-b-breasts and n-n-nuns ... I've had the opportunity to review this piece and can now see that, though rife with gratuitous ... one might say 'pandering' imagery, it is a superior piece. I've also come to understand that your unstated purpose was to fulfill some curious and illogical psychological need for rejection. In that light, and in that vein, I might be tempted to remove my 'fave' as a gesture of that rejection and a point of personal and professional altruism ... and to publicly vilify the use of breasts to further literary acceptance ... I would, but won't, because I truly enjoy bare breasts and believe they do have a proper 'place' in American literature, no matter the-less-than-lofty purposes for which they are bared.

I'll keep the fave in place, but wanted you to know, Ms Pokrass, that, though titillated, we are NOT fooled.

Respectfully,
James Lloyd Davis FCSF
(Fifth Column of Saint Francis)

Dear Yvette,

Thank you for having your heart broken. That makes me feel better about things. Chocolate can handle me, can handle you, can handle most previously published issues belonging to you or I. Thank you for the suggestion and I will get my ass to the confectionary immediately. Television is good for the after-chocolate glow, I find. Best to you and every wish for the glow! meg

Dear Meg,

I never reject a breast. Please send more.

-D-

Dating and rejection letteres, how strangely similar they do seem to be after reading this. :)

Enjoyed it a lot!

Brilliant, as usual. You have such a gift for being funny, poignant, sarcastic, vulnerable and charming all at once. And you have lovely breasts and a lovely woman soul.

PS - What's worse than a rejection letter? Never hearing back at all!

Perfect. And all too familiar (my Rs don't specifically mention my breats/soul, but obviously it's implied.)

Cool! "and please consider me again." *

Dear Meg,
This has SUCCESS written all over it! I sense a new "The Bridgette Jones Diary"-like narration here. Ingenious, charming, and a sheer delight to read. Best of luck with this!
Sincerely,
Michael

"I get a lot of woman-soul and can only use a fraction" . . . so many great lines. So much truth, Dear Meg*

More recherché than The Shobogenzo.
More violating than The Bush Doctrine.
More veiled lechery than The Well of Loneliness.

Why, Ms. Pokrass... you have resuscitated me.

Yes!

Dear D. W. Hooker

I never reject a breast acceptance. Please send more.

Berit Ellingsen,

Dating and rejection letters are so similar it is sickening, even when you look at it with mature eyes and full grown bodies, how strangely similar they do feel. I do agree which is why I did this weird exercise.. so glad you likey.

Dear Epiphany, if the women keep being this nice I will change my sexual preference.

Thank you for admiring my lovely breasts and my lovely woman soul.

PS - Never hearing back at all doesn't bother me at all, I just tell myself the editor died.

Dear Susan, you are very nice to a rejected wench. I thank you. so much.

Hey Beate, thank you!

Gosh, thank you Michael Parker! that is amazing you feel that way, this piece was rejected by McSweeney's Lists. I can't believe how much love it is getting here, am in happy shock.

Thank you Jane. I love women. I want to be one! damn.

Well e.g. thankyou. I am honored!

Marcelle, your YES means a lot to me, seriously. thank you.

Top stuff, Meg.
Def *

Thank you Myra!

LUMBSIIIA! (via Tom Pluck).

Best two lines ever:

"Thank you for submitting your breasts to our evening last night."

and

"I get a lot of woman-soul and can only use a fraction of what I get.."

Oh. My. Goodness.

Crackup funny! Makes me wanna transform all those boilerplate rejections I’ve tossed over the years into something as funny-icily-revengful as you’ve made these biting/wry parodies.

Had a good laugh on this - sorry I took so long to read it.

"I get a lot of woman-soul."
Oh, yes.

These sound so familiar, and I've never even submitted my breasts. Very funny! Definite fav!

These are hysterical!

Faved. Very funny.

This is exactly how literary rejection letters used to feel, a complete rejection of me. I must have matured. Now they can't touch me.

Greatly funny, Meg.
Much enjoyed.

This is a riot! Fav

I've never seen these before! How did I miss them, I wonder? Your rejection letters, the comments others have made rejecting your rejection letters, and your rejections of them are all hilarious! But, no. I cannot publish any of it at this time. Lint Press is, unfortunately, dusted and done.

I feel the burn ....

This put the smile in my day.