by Jack Swenson
A man and woman go outside and wander off in different directions, she smoking a cigarette. The man makes his way down a boardwalk and around the side of the house with a handful of paper plates and crushed napkins and table scraps for the garbage. He opens a green can, tosses in the recyclables, closes the top, turns, looks up at the pale blue sky.
A girl walking a dog passes the house on the sidewalk in front. A forgotten sprinkler is going in a neglected flower garden, water overflowing the bent wood borders and flooding the ground on either side. A crude stone wall is dark with water. A young stray cat is lying calmly on a half fence bordering the rock garden. A family of quail whispers across the street and disappears into the bushes on the other side of the fence. The cat is aloof, serene. It gets up, stretches, and taking its time, slips off the fence and paces slowly toward the street. When it gets to the end of the fence, it curls around the post like an eel.
The woman opens the gate and walks into the front yard trailing smoke. She shades her eyes and watches the yellow hills rising beyond the dirt field across the street. The air is dry and smoky from a fire some miles away. The air is cool. A pair of vultures is soaring in a circle high above the rising land, above the hills that will someday once again be green, someday, if it ever rains.
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The end of summer...brings thoughts of...
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Jack - What a wonderful piece. The imagery is strong here: "The woman opens the gate and walks into the front yard trailing smoke. She shades her eyes and watches the yellow hills rising beyond the dirt field across the street. The air is dry and smoky from a fire some miles away. The air is cool. A pair of vultures is soaring in a circle high above the rising land..."
Very filmic. Great piece.
Vivid & spare portraiture.
I agree. The images are vivid, a world waiting lazily and breathlessly.
Great imagery, Jack & the tone, pacing is just perfect.
Jack, you're a natural.
I so like the simplicity of this.
I'm getting a reputation for being naughty, so I thought I'd post something nice for a change. Not too nice, though. It's not in my nature. Thanks you good folks!
I kept wating for the naughtiness that never came. I though it might be the girl with the dog, but alas, no.
The cat like an eel simile is apt.
Enjoyed.
+!
This is so alive it's like a film clip. Nice, Jack.
i love this too. It feels like moving poetry.
Thanks, y'all. I appreciate the + and the *s.
I like the way the repetition of simple declarative sentences produces a lulling mid-afternoon effect. As Marcelle said, great pacing.
Hmmm. How delicious this is.
Well, now I had to come here since I just read a poem about your sprinkler story. So now I see: It's all in the details. Those perfectly tuned details.
I see your characters so clearly.
liked this alot.
and oh yes, let it rain.
Beautiful, Jack, could be a prose poem, the images pull and inspire. I love the connection to nature here
The cat and the vultures turn against one another. I like the shift from an acceptable predator, to a defiler. They retain the same agency, but there are any number of allegories to be drawn out. Great!
Thank you so much, my friends. I am just an old word slinger, and you folks make me feel like did pretty darn good--like I know what I'm doing. Of course I really don't--I just lucky every once-in-a-while. I'm also very, very lucky to have such kind and wonderful writer friends! <3
Great imagery! Yes, I'm copying just about what everyone said, but, great imagery. Excellent, Jack!
Jack - What I love about your writing is your ability to use only the words needed to paint a picture. You, once again, have done this masterfully with this one. A humble bow to the master.
You draw a great picture, Jack - this is wonderful.
Christian, Michael, Foster. Thank you so much. I very much appreciate your comments. A humble bow to you all.
Not only did you paint a great picture, you allowed me to place myself into it.
Wonderful, Jack.
Rene
Great images. Another good story.
Excellent piece. I agree with Sam about the filmic quality here.
"someday, if it ever rains."
You don't need this bit.
DOG has a wonderful cinematic flow. In fact, it would make a solid micro-film to enter in a festival (that might be fiction's future). Craftsman-like: "A family of quail whispers across the street . . ." On the Mojave, the narrator would have to keep a wary eye out for the Aqua Cops: Leaking broken pipe: $500.
Ramon is right, I felt like I was being taken by my hand and led down your path to see the beauty in the ordinary. Well done, Jack!
fav
Really nice, Jack. And yes to what others have said about the filmic quality. Seems like a silent sequence as a lead-in to something.
I liked the cat curling like an eel. They do that, don't they?
Great imagery Jack. I really liked this.
This was like a painting with words. How to say it better? Each sentence was a stabbing statement made even more immediate with the present tense. Well done, no doubt.
Rene, Matthew, Bill, Ramon, Myra, Roberta, Gloria. I am thrilled & humbled by your generous comments. Thank you very much.
Almost idyllic, and then the para with the woman trailing smoke and the vultures soaring gives a sense of foreboding. Not a perefct word out of place. The cat curling like an eel - wish I'd written. Fav, and peace...
I did not understand " Dog days" deep meaning
it means "very hot days"or"there is life in the old dog yet" or something else?
I like your story, your poetic
diction
Reminds me of the establishing paragraphs written by Hemingway. I want to go to there.