by Jim Breslin
You notice the stench first, as soon as you enter your house. You hang up your hat in the vestibule when a pungent odor flits across your nostrils. You spin around to see your slim wife, smiling, in her pearls and a floral dress. This is not what you expected. She steps up on her toes, in her stilettos, and pecks you on the lips.
“Dinner will be ready in ten minutes,” she says.
She is lovely and content.
“Can I make you a drink?” She asks.
“A Manhattan,” you reply, back on your heels.
“As you wish, my love,” She leaves your side and heads into the kitchen.
You unfold the newspaper and review the headlines. Catch another whiff. You step into the living room and sit in the wing back chair that has just been reupholstered. The buzzing of flies catches your attention and you glance up.
A wrinkled muddied grey beast is chomping on hay. Massive floppy ears. Tusks of alabaster. Melancholy eyes staring at you. Through you. They never forget. The creature lowers it's head and munches away.
“What did you do today?” You call out.
Janice walks in from the kitchen with a tumbler. Hands it over carefully. Her face is dolled up. Don't spill it. She smiles. “Nothing dear, I had my hair done. Cleaned up the house a bit. Just give me a moment.”
The wild thing's trunk stretches out so close you feel it's moist, putrid breath on your neck. Like a blind parched snake, the trunk searches and slurps at the fresh drink in your hand. The trunk then curls within itself, spraying your whiskey into it's open mouth.
As a child, you rode one once at the circus. Somewhere, perhaps in the attic, there's a black and white picture of you, one hand behind the floppy ears, the other hand raised in a wave. Joyful memory. But you've never had one visit before. This is different. Entirely different.
In the dining room, Janice sits across the table, separated by pure white linens. She delicately slices her pot roast. Stabs at the string beans. Chewing slowly, meticulously. In the present moment, she is there for you. Faithful.
Behind her, the arch opens into the living room. The grey beast basks in the streaming light from the picture window. The tail rocks like a metronome. You had no idea it would be so massive. Intrusive. This weight of indiscretion. You wonder how it beat you home. How it wedged through your front door.
The creature shifts his weight, slowly plods a tight circle, knocking a shaded lamp to the floor. The plates and the crystal water glasses shake. Your wedding picture rattles on the wall. Underneath, the floor joists must be sagging from the girth. You imagine standing in the basement, watching the wooden beams. Look carefully, and you can see they are splintering. A series of faint but brittle pops. A splintering. Something is about to give. You can see it in her eyes.
27
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Written for the April Story Challenge.
Wow! Jeez, I know that sounds so simplistic and ... I dunno, vague? But it is the word that expresses, for me, my first reaction to this story. A gem, with eighty-six polished facets ... a fine surprise.
Written for the story challenge?!
I expected to see: "Published in Famous Magazine"!
Very nice.
"The tail rocks like a metronome." If I were a thief I would steal this line.
The repetition of "splintering" works so well at the end.
I am lost as to whose indiscretion it was, first from how 'it beat you (him) home, then 'see it in her eyes'. Don't know if it is intent or my usually dense reading. But doesn't matter, I'd like it to be that all the while he was worried about his elephant, turns out it is hers. So it is to me.
Inspired idea and well done throughout.
excellent!!the last few lines really pack a punch.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone! It's a joy to read your responses.
The above says it all.
Thank you for sharing.
I really like this, it appeals to the imagination and pulls at reality in an attempt to escape. Just what magical realism is supposed to do.
Good stuff, Jim. The gigantic cataclysm about to crash your house (your life) to bits standing there benign and seemingly harmless. Love the second person POV. One of the best stories I've read. Definite fav.
The second person POV lends this such an immediacy and, at the same time, distance, that the tension's as palapable as that huge grey beast. Printed this baby out for further contemplation. Just excellent. Peace...
Thank you so much for the comments! I've been having fun playing around with the second person POV.
Nice work. Very foreboding lead-up...
Jim, this is great. I love how you juxtapose the image of 1950s domestic bliss ("slim wife, smiling, in her pearls and a floral dress", etc.) with the Absurdist elephant (your title made me think of Ionesco's Absurdist play Rhinoceros). Even that image of the housewife is absurd in today's context, so it all plays really nicely together. Lots to think about here, and the ending is perfect.
Oh, also, love the line: "Don't spill it."
This is soooo good, just love the clash between the dainty, controlled energy of the perfect wife (though for me she's a little too perfect, even if that's the intended effect: reminds me of the redhead in Desperate Housewives) and the concrete reality of this BIG INESCAPABLE GREY THING. What is especially effective is the way it's introduced in tiny details: first the flies outside, then the staring eyes, then the breath... it's getting closer, closer.
My favorite part is when the beast stares through you (never forgets) and then goes back to munching hay, like the thing itself is saying: ha! chump! it's YOUR fucking problem, not mine! this is so clever, so real, so unreal...
Thanks for sharing this; love the idea through and through.
What a smart play on an age-old idiom. Hemingway cast 'em as distant hills; you bring it right into the living room.
The characters, yes, straight from a Richard Yates novel --
Don & Betty Draper. Meet your beast.
I love, too, how you start with the smell.
I love 2nd person POV and it's used to wonderful effect here, definitely gives it that restricted flavor of Don and Betty Draper, as Sara pointed out. The details are so precise.
"This weight of indiscretion. You wonder how it beat you home. How it wedged through your front door." For me, this helps ground it all beautifully.
she is a real "father knows best" wife. Is he just suspicios or perhaps paranoid?
Interesting story, much to think about.
Wow, this is just great! Such an imaginative way of dealing with a complex dilemma the character is facing
It felt so "Donna Reed" yet tremulous
fave
Thank you for the nice comments and the messages. It's fun to read how the scene conjures up Yates, Donna Reed, etc.
Something is about to give. Indeed! What fun! Great piece. Highly enjoyable.She delicately slices her pot roast.From beginning to end the creature is an interesting and exquisite creation.
You use the animal imagery to such effect here and turn the old cliche into something literal and cool and interesting again. Thanks for posting. Are you going to post the May challenge for us?
Ah, the May Challenge! I will do so now! Thanks!
Wonderful, Jim. Wow.
Yes. I am in wonderment here. I love this.
what carol said:
"The tail rocks like a metronome." If I were a thief I would steal this line.
and sara, above.
wow, is all.
star time
Terrific.
"Chewing slowly, meticulously. In the present moment, she is there for you. Faithful."
Everything is so vivid.
Very smart. I thoroughly enjoyed and won't soon forget this one.
This is awesome. So tight. Great story, Jim.
Perfect. Bravo.
Thank you so much! I've posted the May challenge if you want to check it out!
i loved this- the elephant in the room between them, how it is depicted (his picture in the attic.) at first i though she was acting a bit wooden stepford wifey, then later it made sense, that she was compensating for something, maybe doing her best to feign normality and not see what was there.
just brilliant.
Extraordianry. So well written. A sure hand. This is a pleasure to read.
Excellent story, Jim. The voice here is first rate. Just a seriously great read.
so perfectly abstract, everyone's wearing different colors, and the POV is so appropriate it disappears.
one of the best i've read lately. well done.
Amazing story. So glad I read this. Star.
Jim...this is why people love to read. Nicely done my friend. Great first line
Brilliant metaphor.
Thanks for the comments Eamon and everyone!
Perfect last line.