Madness
by Jack Swenson
We moved to the country because we hated smog and poor people. We love it here. In my spare time I work on my opus magnus, recording each and every mention of my family name in my hometown newspaper since its founding in1896. So far I have spent twenty-two years at this project. Meanwhile my wife and I both inherited money, all that we will ever need. More. But then, can you ever have too much money?
Politically I am not an extremist; I am a moderate. A middle of the roader. I believe in free market economics, soak the poor and give to the rich. I picture myself at a fancy party in Washington, D.C., rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, schmoozing with Bill Bennett and Ann Coulter, giving Glenn Beck's rosy cheeks a pinch, slapping Sarah Palin on the butt. Dick Cheney asks me to go hunting with him, but fearing a shooting accident, I decline.
I love it here in our little retreat. I play golf. I read my book of names. Over and over again. Our name appeared in the newspaper 254,991 times between 1896 and 1944. Yes, I have more to do. I work on the project when I am not cleaning out the garage or shooting squirrels with a BB gun.
I am in poor health, and I can't sleep at night, so I send morally outraged messages to friends and don't sign them. The secrecy thrills me like women's panties. Come over sometime and we'll eat oatmeal and talk about my trip to Iwo Jima.
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Author's Note
Is it opus magnus or magnus opus? Or is it magnum opus?
Other stories by Jack Swenson
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"Is it opus magnus or magnus opus? Or is it magnum opus?
"I think it's Opie's magnum, from the episode where Andy gives him a .44 for Christmas.
(Dude's family was *very* newsworthy!)
Unless his family name was something like "that," or "hello."
;-)
Opie Magnusson?
This oatmeal tastes funny .
Oh, Jack ... a better finish I could not recommend. Be damned if I'd come over this guy's house for oatmeal. (Unless I could bring Sarah Palin and had the film rights.)
Fave
Great piece, Jack. Strong closing:
"I am in poor health, and I can't sleep at night, so I send morally outraged messages to friends and don't sign them. The secrecy thrills me like women's panties. Come over sometime and we'll eat oatmeal and talk about my trip to Iwo Jima."
I like it.
Wow, good satire, what a suck-job guy he is, your narrator, I love what you did here.
*
Love the last line and the rest of the piece isn't bad either. fave.
Aristocratic ersatz of an American kind: a potentially dangerous form of madness, especially in combination with moral outrage.
Fabulous, Jack. A stunner *!
Yep, like this madness a great deal, Jack. *
Amazing last paragraph, Jack. I could see that standing as its own micro. Actually, the whole thing is pretty nice also.
Madness, indeed!
"The secrecy thrills me like women's panties."
Buying women's panties? Touching women's panties? Wearing women's panties? ...
Nice, nice, nice. *
you're certainly dishing out here. shuddering with sympathy.
not until you stop shooting squirrels. Bad Bad
oh my gosh this is good. I'm both tickled and a little scared.
Much great stuff in here, and funny, too! I think you've answered the question about the possibility of having too much money. *
Great rollicking whacked voice. Oatmeal and Sarah Palin's butt all in one small space, oh my. Peace *
Too bad he's not the dying last of a dying breed. Wonder what of today's memorials will be a future squirrel shooter's Iwo.
This is Madness squared.
Great story with an ending only Jack Swenson can create. *
Is it Quaker Oats oatmeal? I don't eat that. I don't want to join their science club.
I will take a scotch, though.
Wonderful, Jack.
Good stuff. Lots of anger and sniping bubbling under that gently roiling oatmeal.
Good satire.
Oh, the oatmeal!
The names thing is wonderfully funny/inspired.