Ants
by Jack Swenson
Every summer ants invaded their house. She tried Raid, but that smelled to high heaven. She tried ant poison, but the ants ate it with apparent relish, their numbers undiminished. Her husband wouldn't let her call an exterminator. That doesn't work, he said. The real reason he said no was that he was cheap. "If you'd wash the floor more often, there wouldn't be so much for them to eat," he said.
Pippa asked a neighbor what she did about the ants. "Use Windex on them," her friend said. "If that doesn't work, try Clorox Cleanup. Keep doing it. They get discouraged after awhile and go away." Kate always knew what to do. She had a solution for everything. "You okay?" Kate asked her friend. "You look kind of frazzled." Pippa replied that she shouldn't have gone back to work full time. The kids were driving her nuts. When she was home, she wasn't a mom, she was a taxi driver. "There's just too much to do," she said.
"What about you and Mark? You two okay?" Kate asked. She gave her friend the eye. Pippa laughed. "Are you kidding? I'm married. He's a man. He smells bad, he leaves stuff all over the house, he's grumpy, and I hate it when he breathes. Are we okay? Sure, we're fine."
It was a Sunday afternoon. That evening, Kate heard the sound of Mark's lawnmower. He was mowing the lawn. Kate told her husband that it had been a while since he had been outside mowing the lawn in the dark.
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Author's Note
A story about marital bliss.
Pippa and Kate, eh? Impossible to read this without imagining them as these people...which they very well could be, anyway. Made this read very enjoyable. *
"Are you kidding? I'm married. He's a man. He smells bad, he leaves stuff all over the house, he's grumpy, and I hate it when he breathes. Are we okay? Sure, we're fine."
Well that about sums it up, here. Fabulously funny story of wedded bliss, Jack!
*
I had the same thought as Foster! I really enjoyed this piece, Jack.
Good stuff, Jack. I was mowing the lawn in the dark myself last night. Does that mean the bliss is over? *
Laughing, nodding too. Great piece, Jack. *
Very good, as always.
"mowing the lawn in the dark"--love that image.
Such a witty "tongue in cheek"
bit. fave
A great piece, Jack. Enjoyed the read. Always like the voice.
Headlight om the mower? That + a drink caddy would be marital bliss.
So funny. I love the voice, and the writing. "I hate it when he breathes." Great! *
From the ant invasion, to the helpful neighbor, to mowing the lawn in the dark on a Sunday evening, you do what you do so well, a slice of life, to visualize, contemplate, and enjoy.
Good piece. Actually, Clorox Cleanup works.
Nice, Jack. You've got it going on here, as you always do. You've captured married suburban life well here.
Side note: A few summers ago, we had an ant problem and I refused to call an exterminator because I'm too cheap as well. Here's what I did: I sprayed, like I had done before, but then I sprayed again and again and again. Nuking the place might be the best way to describe it. They haven't come back. We're worried now about long-term effects.
Jack, you have captured admirably all the complexities of couple-hood in this "Cheever-esque" short fiction. Suburbia at its finest, yet the innerweavings of relationship also. Inner-outer; all at the expense, or not, of ants.
Fave.