Along Came Doreen
Twenty two, reading Camus, feeling blue, life is absurd. Why even try? Live for today, stay blown away. Inherent meaning does not exist in this universe. Attempts to find it will ultimately end in failure. It's humanly impossible. Then along came Doreen. She changed all that. She demanded excellence. She attracted genius. I needed a miracle. It happened late one night during open mic at Hobbs Corner bar.
Earlier that evening, I stood outside the bar listening to the emcee's words echoing through the open door. "Poetry, performance art, folk music, jazz, whatever you have, bring it. But know your song well before singing. You are being judged here by an elite audience." There were so many performers ahead of me, I didn't expect to make the stage. To be honest, I was hoping I wouldn't make the stage.
I had never performed in public but I could sing and play the guitar well enough, I felt, and it was time to try. While practicing at home, I would visualize myself standing on stage in the large, square, dimly lit barroom filled to capacity for open mic night. With ceiling fans circulating smoke filled air, the atmosphere would be torrid. All the top performers would be in the audience watching from the tables or from the bar or standing at the side of the stage, responding to every musical nuance in my expressive delivery. Doreen would always be right up front in my visualizations. I didn't really know her. Yet, to me, she and her friends epitomized the local hip scene.
When it became clear I would make the stage, I thought of backing out the door. Instead, I unpacked my Martin acoustical six-sting guitar, strapped it over my shoulder, and stood in the shadows waiting for my cue. The performer on stage ahead of me, a poet with a great sense of humor, had the tightly packed audience laughing and shouting loudly. Not the best act to follow for a somber folksinger. I needed to start off with something strong.
The emcee took the stage to announce a short break when the poet finished. That's the way things always happen to me so I wasn't really surprised, just irritated; and I started strumming the guitar to release tension. People around me in the shadows by the stage started clapping to the rhythm. That's when I noticed Doreen, with friends and admirers, moving through the crowd towards the stage. She saw me looking. She looked back and smiled. She looked back again. And this time her smile broadened.
She knew what she was doing to me, for me, as I walked to the open mic.
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Author's Note
I sat to write. I wrote. This is it.
I bet(hope!) you nailed it, too!
(And if this isn't a *true* story, well, you succeeded in making it feel that way.)
Thanks Matt, that means a lot coming from you. Yes it's basically true, and a metaphor of how I feel about being here at Fictionaut.
Ah, the borrowed strength of anothers love - well written, J, have faved.
Thanks, Myra, for reading, commenting and faving. The borrowed strength of anothers love, yes, I like the way you say it.
Nice work. I like the line, "giving form to divinity..."
Thanks, Matthew, for reading and commenting. That line expresses a belief we share concerning divinity, judging from your poetry, and your comment.
So nicely written, visual, cinematic. So liked the opening paragraph.
If I recall correctly, Doreen is the name of the wife in the Drug Snitch stories... is that correct? Is this an opening of how Doreen and narrator there met?
Oh, boy. I read the first sentence and asked, "Is he writing about me?" Yup. When I was 22. Universals. Dimensions. A story that echoes. Fave.
Cherise, thanks for reading and commenting. I'm trying to add what I'm learning from reading your work. I'll be working on that for awhile. Yes, it's the same Doreen, much earlier in the story.
Jack, thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate the way you said: "Is he writing about me?" Because you are, in a general sense, one of the writers I did have in mind as I wrote it. This story, among other things, is a metaphor describing how I feel about joining Fictionaut. I'm very pleased you liked and faved it.
Nicely done. You're a braver man than I.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Con. As Myra statted it above, it was the borrowed strength of anothers love.
I love that opening paragraph. This would be a fav for that alone, then I kept reading and now I want to fav more. So, will have to read more of Doreen in the coming days. Glad to meet her, and you.
I wondered (dare I say there here? I do not mean to sound presumptuous...) if the last para could be trimmed a bit-- because the impact of the smiles and the eye contact is so important, by the time I got there, I didn't need all of the descriptive parts, such as "I felt blessed" (which for me overstated it, as I already knew how you felt with that "divine"), and I also could have felt the moment without the detail "I started singing" -- UNLESS that is the last sentence. That would be a beauty of a last sentence in this piece.
Hope you don't mind. This piece is great storytelling, a wonderful introduction to characters.
Hello, Michelle. I'm glad to meet you, too. And glad you like Doreen. I appreciate your suggestion about the last paragraph. I have thought about it and will go over it again. Thanks for the fav and continuing to read.
Exceptional piece, J Mykell. Good form and tone to the piece. I agree with Michelle about the closing par. More compression there could strengthen the piece. I like the story.
Thanks, Sam, I appreciate your comment and suggestion and will rework the last part.
I really enjoy reading your Doreen series. Believable characters and a nice flowing storyline.
Thanks, Veronica, I appreciate your comments and encouragement.
And you told me you didn't write Flash (in fact, this is a Micro). Nice work.
Suggestions: Round-out the ambiance of the bar's atmosphere -- I didn't a feeling of being in the setting and that's the fulcrum of the story. If you put me in the scene with a sentence or two, I'll hear you sing.
I agree with Michelle and Sam: the closing paragraph seems like an asides, or tacked on. Try a quick revise deleting the first two sentences of the last paragraph and leave the last sentence as a separate paragraph. For me, it would add drama.
PLease consider broadening the title to; ALONG CAME DOREEN
I'm learning to write from reading good Flash writers like you, Ramon, thanks. And you're right about rounding-out the ambiance of the bar's atmosphere, create the setting better, the fulcrum of the story. I'll work on putting you in the scene with a sentence or two. hopefully you'll hear me singing.
The last paragraph actually has been cut down since Michelle and Sam commented. But I see what you mean about the first two sentences of the last paragraph seeming like a tacked on aside, that's what they are. Let's see what it looks like without them.
ALONG CAME DOREEN? Yes, good idea . . . Along Came Doreen.
For my taste, Mykell, you've made a good story better. Instead of telling me I'm in a bar, you show me the bar. Now I hear you sing (that high note in Danny Boy is a tad flat).
"The art of writing is rewriting." -- Sean O'Faolain, Irish author
I think the closer now involves the reader: Did the protagonist succeed or fail? It might invite a reread, the Micro writer's best friend . . .
Thanks, Ramon, for your help in making the story better and for illustrating the benefits of going back to rewrite. You know that of which you speak and I'm grateful for your comments.
Enjoyed this! I like how the voice changes at the mention of Doreen. I’ll have to check out more of your work soon.
Kari, thanks for reading and commenting.
The present writer has lyric soul. I enjoy reading your story
Hi, Lyudmyla, thanks for reading and commenting.
* from me
Hi, Lyudmyla, thank you for coming back to add the fav.
I really like how the character is pulled from his books into the world, from observer to the observed, from consumer to creator. Very well done.
Hi, Lorissa. I appreciate your insightful comment and encouragement. Thanks for reading.
Although absurd, the "meaning" behind things can be found in the exposition of oneself. You show that the lack of an "inherent" meaning in things is irrelevant in eyes of one who believes that any meaning can be found in these moments. Excellent work.
Also, it's nice to meet a fellow guitar player and fan of Camus.
Hi, Marc. Thanks for reading. I like your insightful comment. It expresses the philosophical nature of the story very well. And yes, it's nice to meet a fellow guitar player and fan of Camus.
Like the story, J. As a a philosophical aside, which I think is in tandem with teh story's movement of inner position, the inner meaningfulness of life is as given, since an idea if true is meaningful; and so for life to be meaningful, this if true is a meaningful statement. ANd what does life's meaninglessness mean but life contains no meaning, & if it contains no meaning, then it cannot contain any meaningful statements within itself. So life as meaningless can be examined as an intellectual truth statement, just as a mathematical statement can, & so this meaninglessness is simply tautologically nonsense, self-contradictory. That life & language are meaningful - full of meaning - is the inescapable ground for any language statements. Might seem a very dry way to counter absurdity or meaningless.
Sorry about this way off tangent spool of words!
Andrew, I very much appreciate your philosophical aside, and I agree, "this meaninglessness is simply tautologically nonsense." Feeling blue and disappointed may sometimes make life seem meaningless, especially for the young. But if we get up off our hind end and involve ourselves in meaningful activities, not looking for the light by digging holes in the ground, we may discover purpose and meaning in every breath we take. If we put our heart and soul into it, we may compound the meaning, for ourselves and for others.
I like the way you counter absurdity or meaningless, not dry at all. And I dig "this way off tangent spool of words!"
"That life & language are meaningful - full of meaning - is the inescapable ground for any language statements."
That opening paragraph reads like poetry or like the lyrics to a song, has a very nice melody to it.
This is a great read it flowed very well and it felt like I was the one performing.
I love the opening paragraph; also the visualizations, things turning from ivory tower of philosophy to reality. Well done!
Hi, Beate. Thanks for reading. Your insightful comment is greatly appreciated. As is the fav.
I rather loved this. I find it to be honest in a rare, unpretentious way that I respect to no end.
Very nice! Liked this a lot. *
Hi, Jen. Thanks for the great comment and the fav.
Hi, Kim. Likewise, thanks for the great comment and thanks for the *.
The beginning of this story is beyond belief!
Twenty two, reading Camus, feeling blue, life is absurd. Why even try? Live for today, stay blown away. Inherent meaning does not exist in this universe. Attempts to find it will ultimately end in failure. It's humanly impossible. Then along came Doreen.
Hi, Bobbi. Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate.
This is wonderful! Somehow I missed it down the line, but better late than never. Such crisp clean prose and strong inner life for the protagonist.
*
I absolutely loved every honest line in your story, or shall I say your "memoir"?
wonderful wonderful opening*
Hi, Susan, Estelle, and Jane. I'd like to thank each of you for reading and commenting. I greatly appreciate it.
fave again, if I could!
Fine story, J. I'm very glad you and Susan led us back to it.
Hi, Jerry. Hi, David. Thanks, I appreciate your comments.
Hi John:
Glad your talk with Susan brought me here. Enjoyed this.*
Hi, Joani. I'm glad you found and enjoyed it. Thanks for the comment and *.
Missed this first time around. Glad I was redirected to it. Very fine.
*
Hi, Bill. Thanks. I appreciate. Glad you found it, also.
I have to say, I love the author's note here. Spoken like a true raconteur.
And then there is the music.
Hi, Larry. Yeah, I like that note, short and to the point. I need to apply it to more of my writing. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Oh, this is brilliant. The pacing and visuals excellent. The first paragraph a masterpiece. I'm so glad I found you from your comment on my story Reading at the Table. Fave*.
Hi, Gloria. Thanks for reading. I appreciate your most gracious comments and Fave*. And thank you for redirecting my attention to this particular story, with its inspiring comment section. Makes me want to write about that period of life again.
Fabulous. I just now crave to hear that song. *
Hi, Quirina. Yes, the song, it's a story I have yet to write, I suppose, although I have continued this story with other stories about Doreen, it's still a work in progress. Thanks for reading and commenting and *.