He sneezes 30 times straight, each a staccato blast in his bare apartment, calls his older brother, says, remember when we would count how many times we'd sneeze in a row?
Yeah, what's the record, like 68?
I forget, he says, thinking it probably only seemed like so many when they were kids. I got a cold, he says, sick voice flubbing words, as he rattles off three sneezes.
Through the phone he hears an electric guitar, sounding live not recorded; a train rattling, symptom of congested city living.
Sorry to hear that, his brother says, the baby just got over one. You have to come up, see us some time. You ever moving up here?
I hope some day, he says, as he's been saying for years. In the mirror he sees bloodshot eyes, thinks, I need sleep. Says, remember when dad's eyes would get bloodshot—I thought maybe he sneaked shots of whiskey upstairs when he was supposedly working the crossword.
No, you're wrong, it was because he slept five hours a night. Like Edison. Right up to when he died.
You think dad was a genius?, he says, hearing that guitar again, thinking where his brother lives, with his luck, it could be some virtuosic player like Petrucci or Satriani shredding in a bare brick-walled tenement.
What do you think, his brother says. A pause, silence. Gotta go, bro, things to do.
They hang up, and just before falling asleep, he remembers as a kid waking in the night, throat scratchy, going to the kitchen for some water. There was dad sitting at the table, wide awake, reading glasses on nose, pen in hand above a Doppler graph of numbers on paper, one of many now-lost theorems, looking up as his son walked into the room.
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this is wonderful, Christian. I love the dynamic bet. the brothers, the way the dad comes into play -- the last image is particularly effective, but I wanted the story to continue - feels like the start of a much longer piece.
this is wonderful, Christian. I love the dynamic bet. the brothers, the way the dad comes into play -- the last image is particularly effective, but I wanted the story to continue - feels like the start of a much longer piece.
Good piece, Christian. I like the voice here: "You think dad was a genius?, he says, hearing that guitar again, thinking where his brother lives, with his luck, it could be some virtuosic player like Petrucci or Satriani shredding in a bare brick-walled tenement."
The story works. Great closing.
sorry for the double-posting here. I do want to second Sam - this story def. works in this form and at this length. Selfishly, I wanted more. I also can't eat just one Lay's potato chip.
This is a great example of why I like and admire short-short fiction so much. The story is so simple, or seemingly so, so spare, so quiet. Then at the end the writer lifts the covers for just an instant and gives us something to think about all day. In my opinion, this is a little masterpiece.
Great stuff. The "I hope some day" paragraph evoked one of my favorite songs, "Cats in the Cradle."
The final para is wonderful. Like Julie, I'd love to see more of these folks interacting. There's a great relationship here. But, yeah like Jack and Sam, I admire the brevity of this and think it captures so much in so little, reminding me also how much I love micro fiction.
Thanks, David, Jack, Sam, and Julie (x3)!
In brief strokes you paint palpable tension between the brothers. I like how he's half-distracted by the guitar sounds, wondering about what kind of enchanting life the brother is living that he doesn't know about. And the narrator's memory of the father seems to fit as a snug cap on the end of the story.
Thanks, Neil!
Love the last image you end this story with Christian.
Thanks, Ajay!
I too love the simplicity and the direct emotion of this piece and how it avoids sentimentality. Love the ending.
Thanks, David!
Really, really nice intimate vignette of a relationship between brothers, between father and sons.
this is the subtle power you have, this blows me away.
Thanks, Susan and Meg, for reading and commenting!
Love this in its homey simplicity, the bros, the baby. Great end. Thanks Christian!
Thank you, Bonnie!
oh, christian, this is a wonderful piece of prose. i hesitate to call it a piece though because it has such enormous reach. the dialog flows like family loyalty. the image of the dad: superb buildup to this moment. very powerful, thank you.
...and the title. mate, mate, mate.
Great job of capturing a memory and putting it down on the page. That last paragraph is a beauty.
Present loaded with past captured so well here. Hearing distant chords. Distance and cold both doing double-duty here. Wrenching sadness, sparseness made normal. Christian, this is great.
Mark Twain wrote, "As a boy, my Father was a complete idiot. It's amazing how much smarter he's become." Paraphrased of course. Great story Christian!
Thanks, Finnegan, Jon, Katrina, and Michael (nice quote!)!
Really like where this is going! Want to read more.
Thanks, Lisa!
A tiny germ of an idea and you draw it out, detail by detail, into something quite significant. Very well done.
Thanks, Laurita, for reading and commenting!
Really good writing, Christian. I particularly like how you defined the relationship between the brothers, just with what they said to each other.
Thanks, Foster!
I love the small details of sounds;an electric guitar, sounding live not recorded; a train rattling, symptom of congested city living.
Simplicity with so much depth, very nice.
Thanks, Shelagh!
Solid. Like a brick cigar house. Not a note out of place. Great story, man.