This girl, who I had never seen before, she was coming into the 7-11 where I worked the midnight shift. She just walks in out of the darkness, no car, no nothing. Never seen someone just walk up like that, and I've been wasting three nights a week in this joint for over a year.
At first when she walked in, I thought she looked like a wet dog. Then after a minute, I'm trying to wrap my mind around how perfect she is. Her hair somehow managed to look soaked and dry at the same time. The brown checkered shirt she was wearing was thin and had tiny gold threads in it. I couldn't take my eyes off it. And I couldn't take my eyes off her nose, this nose, it was pink like she had a cold or maybe she'd been crying.
It had been over an hour since anyone else had come into the store. So I was just staring at the Slurpee machine. The way it swooshed and made that noise could hypnotize me. Off and on I would try and watch the black and white TV. It's about the size of a cantaloupe. Frank my manager puts a new aluminum foil shaped animal on top of it every few days. But it never helps the picture come in any better.
This girl walked around the store like she was looking for something. She's got her hand on her throat like she's trying to keep something down. Anyway, the whole time I'm staring and I don't even know how to stop. After she picked up a pack of crackers and started walking toward the counter, I finally got a hold of myself. So what if I was a little shaken up? It happens to everybody once or twice in their life.
So she comes up to the counter and puts the crackers down. And she says with this Tinkerbell voice, “I would like to buy these.”
“Well I would like to sell them to you,” I said, realizing not only how stupid that sounded but also that I was standing there with my arms down at my side and my mouth dropped open enough that all I was missing was the drool. “That'll be a dollar seventy-nine,” I manage to say without sounding too much like an idiot, at least I think so anyway.
Right then some sort of switch flipped and she looked scared. What the hell I am supposed to do about this was all I could think. She stood there and she kept looking like she wanted to run, and I stood there and kept watching. She put both hands on the counter, like she was holding on to the side of a boat that was in the middle of some god-awful hurricane. She put her head down, like she was trying to bury her chin into her neck. Then, all at once, in one startling goddamn motion, she flings her head back and looks right at me and says, “I do not have any money.”
I'm looking at her dangly silver feather earrings. I'm looking at the dark roots of her hair showing where it's parted in the middle. I'm a nervous wreck.
So anyway, out of any other ideas — quick thinking has never been one of my strong suits — I reach over the counter and give her the crackers.
“Go ahead, take em',” I say to her.
She looks over at the front door and she says, “Thank you.”
The neon in the window blinks, and I say, “You're welcome.”
Wow. And to think ... I didn't have to pay to read this. Beautiful ... made my day.
I agree with James. It's a privilege,Lou,to read something so humane and built with obvious care.Even though you could see things coming to a head they are allowed their natural cadence.
I love the excerpt you picked - the change in perception in just a minute. And the whole picture you paint of such a profound but fleeting moment.
Nice piece. There seemed to be some tense shifts but I’m guessing they were on purpose. Great character development for the MC – funny yet very human
Nice.
What I am impressed about most here is the way you take a not terribly uncommen event, and through a thoughtful writer and a slurpee machine turn it into a mind story so real.
love the tinkerbell voice.
and the slurpee machine, as has been observerd abpve--
nice scene
You gotta love the narrator. I admire how much you trust the reader to connect the dots in this one. Fave.
Thank you so much, everyone. I'm always full of gratitude when people connect with something I write.
Dean, the tense shifts were intentional. It is how his voice came to me so I decided not to edit it. I hope it wasn't a distraction.
I really like the voice, Lou. Makes this piece work. Good one.
Lou, this is great. I especially love how you describe the girl putting her head down and then flipping it back up --- you do a great job of describing the physical movement of that moment.
So lyrical Lou. So poignant and deeply felt.
Very nice. You kept me wondering if this girl was going to rob the store. Unexpected ending, but a good one.
Great, Lou. Although I would have wanted the woman/man to say no to the girl. But, then, I've got a mean streak when it comes to characters.
My favorite image is the checkered shirt with the gold threads in them.
Love it!
Wonderful piece, Lou. I sensed where this was heading, and hoped, hoped, hoped the narrator would decide as he did. Shows the drama of every day life moments so well. Peace...
Sam, J.B., Marc, Matthew, Marcelle and Linda, Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I love hearing how it played with or against your own expectations. And Marcelle, I love that you have a mean streak when it comes to characters! ;-)
Love this narrator's voice, I can just see him, pimply faced teenager with slouched pants and hair hanging down his face. Loved the terrific writing of Tinkerbell in a hurricane leading to , “I do not have any money.” She is in a hurricane, without even $1.79.
What we humans do when overwhelmed with emotion.
Love the quirk in this, the way the character is a "watcher" of so many things, probably all of life, stuck as she is in a dismal job and watching for a way out. Great work
I remember reading this one on your site. Great story!
Thank you Susan and Christian. Cherise, I love the way you see him, and yes on the emotion thing. ;-)
I love the characters in this. Wanna hug 'em both
Thank you, Michael - and so did I.
You make it all so tangible. Wonderfully done.
So simple yet completely hypnotizing. Brilliance. :)
You should consider submitting this to Like Birds Lit. ;)
Perfect! Just perfect!
Thank you all. Your encouragement is incredibly appreciated.
This is wonderful! Love the voice, love the descriptions of the girl, love each moment. A pleasure to read, Lou!
Great story. Love the casual pace...a perfect interlude between two stangers. Love the line, "At first when she walked in, I thought she looked like a wet dog." Love that in the end, I wanted the store clerk to run after her.
Very good story. I like so many of the details, like the TV the size of a cantaloupe.
Lou, thanks for your comment on Ring, Ring, Ring. I just read "The Girl in That Shirt." So much in so few words. lots of small zaps of electricity in the language.
You say so much about two characters without using description. I was in a 7/11 or AM/PM watching, and listening to, a conversation between customer and clerk. One of the best titles I've ever read -- perfect!
Thank you all. This came from a work-shop exercise, and when I see it again it makes me want to write more and to stretch more when I do. So thank you again for your thoughts.
The quality of the observation is superb: It is realistic and informed by a writer's vision in equal measure. Great. Favorette.
You create a mood with atmospheric detail in which strange things can happen and a young narrator can get wigged. Nice. -- Q
Lou, you captured that sort of particular nature of the 5 minute crush with perfection. I thought the tin foil animals on the tiny television reflected the inability of the main character to decipher what was happening very nicely.
Lou, this is VERY well-written, capturing two characters beautifully and changing them both. Good work!
Thank you Grey and Rebecca. Much appreciated.
And Grey, thanks for seeing that. ;-)
Love his keen observations and his matter of fact stance. And the description of her is right on, the shirt, feather earrings, red nose - all so good.
love the title, lou--
and the story
*
As someone who has been in that situation--in a store entranced by a beautiful customer, wanting to do anything for that one fleeting moment before she walks out and forgets all about you--I can say this works because it rings so true.
Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Very enjoyable story! Great descriptions and voice and characters.
"“Well I would like to sell them to you,” I said" :) Fantastic line.
"Then, all at once, in one startling goddamn motion, she flings her head back and looks right at me and says, “I do not have any money.”"
This is a definite fave.