Victory
by Jack Swenson
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel," I said. She sipped her tea, gave me the finger. I had quit smoking; she had not.
I went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Yuk. Not much for a man to eat. Fifteen varieties of yogurt. Some humus. Lots and lots of crisp lettuce. I fingered a can of beer, put it back. I was hungry.
I stood in the doorway and yelled my wife's name. No answer.
I found her in the bathroom, putting on her slip. She wiggled her ass, and I felt my stomach sink, the blood rise into my face. I fiddled with the buttons on my shirt.
"Where are you going?" I asked. "Out," she said. I told her there was nothing in the house to eat.
As soon as she left, I sat down at the computer. Booted up. Read my e-mail, then looked at pictures of bare-naked ladies. I went nice and slow. I ran my eyeballs over a lovely blonde, her hair in single thick braid. Why was that so sexy? I hummed the Campbell soup song. Mmmm, good.
The phone rang. I picked up the receiver. "What?" I said.
"When you get a break, don't forget to pick up the ice for the party," she said.
I smirked. "Yes, dear," I said. I hung up the phone. I sniffed the air. It smelled like victory.
Liked this, Jack. Pretty round, pretty full (not to get too technical...)
holy god!
great. a sumptious read, an alcoholic symphony, very physical, well told and complete.
Here is a seamless execution of a prompt; I read it without realizing it might be an exercise. The story itself is a bit old-fashioned, yes?
sorry - now i will say something coherent! WOW. I believe this, this is rich and funny and sad. And I get him, and the way their relationship is getting SO nasty! Their anger. The opening sets the story so perfectly, with him quitting, the flipping off -the food longings, her benign neglect toward his "needs', the inevitable weight gain that will follow, oh everything is here.
sensory details in this...just terrific...the hummed jingle, the lettuce crisp. And then the dualities...her wiggling, him fiddling...cigarette smoke's presence and absence. His job: bring the ice. Her job: to tell him!
Nice slice. Neatly cut and lifted to the plate with the ease of an expert.
Excellent work, Jack. This is a nice piece. Good writing. I like this a lot.
This is one mean little piece.
I'm at a loss for words. I can't thank you all enough. Meg deserves all the credit.
Been there. Sniffed that.
I can feel his pain. Sad and true life.
victory indeed! check and mate.
Thank you, my friends. You are very generous.
Love that first graph!! It's such a succinct, clever indication of the story's premise and it's so full of energy.
Oh, those two are fairly fizzing with energy. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I loved your review, Katrina. Thanks.
Jack, this is excellent. It flows effortlessly and the narrator’s voice is exceptional. Well done!
Yes, this is tight and unforced; I never would have guessed about the word prompts. The story has a fierce little energy to it.
Christian, Neil. Princes, that's what you are. Royalty. Thank you both.
Really, really good, Jack. You convey the man's longing so well. This is quite deft writing.
This line really did it for me:
"Not much for a man to eat."
I can't believe how much that line says about this guy. I thought I was reading Carver for a moment there. Really well done.
Kathy, John, I'm very pleased you thought well of the story. You can give the credit to Meg Pokrass. I wrote the story using her word prompts.
amazing story
nice!
Jack, smooth and real, as usual. Cracking fun.
Jack, I like the moment-to-moment quality of this story very much
Eddie, David, Ajay, Susan:
Glad you liked the story.
Deft & darkly funny. The dialogue kills. Great stuff!