by sara t.
The last thing Annie remembers is, no, she doesn't remember a last thing. She only remembers a first thing. She remembers the first thing she felt when she briefly came to. A heaviness on her body and a pounding on her head, the cold of the kitchen floor and something wet on her face.
Then she blacked out again.
The first thing she remembers is being carried or rather dragged up the stairs.
Then Nothing.
The first thing she remembers is the sound of footsteps coming towards her and something primal, a sound, she doesn't remember but was told later was coming from her.
Then Nothing.
The first thing she remembers is a voice, Mother, scared and unsure, then Father threatening, again, then Mother, submissive.
Then Nothing.
The first thing she remembers is a shadow, over her, Brother, silent tears and painful grimace on his face.
Then Nothing.
The first thing she remembers is sunshine, then her own dawning, and feeling the lumps on her head and bruises on her face and pain in her heart and aloness of her soul.
The first thing Annie always remembers is, Father Did It, Mother stood by, Brother cared but was helpless.
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For those who read "Annie", this is more about her.
I really like what you're doing in this piece, Sara. The form - especially the echo effect - is effective. Good piece.
I like the way you work with consciousness.
yes, the echo effect is effective here and the in and out of consciousness.
This is punchy and the form's really interesting, sara.
The end could be the title. Story or poem? It could be both.
oh god this one is tough
the form and in/out of consciousness is made for this one
good stuff, sara
Dear Sara,
I truly understand.
Thank you for writing this.
I am there with you.
This is a truly beautiful story. The last 2 lines make this piece very unique. The change in font. The knowledge trying to speak beneath the horror. The knowledge itself. Facing it.
This is an absolutely stunning piece of work. Lou Godbold's statement is something I agree with and is also why you felt similarity in our pieces.
I feel it with you as well.
You do a good job at keeping the language pared down. This is one of the hardest things to write about, but you do it well. The repetition of "Then nothing" is very artfully done. I think one of the only ways to treat such a situation is to try to make beauty from the pain. What you have done here is admirable.
oh, sara. this is really effective. the form suits the content wonderfully.
for me, the words "precisely" and "ominous" are not needed: almost detracts from the muzziness of the narration, as the events are pieced together, which is very cleverly done. then, the clarity at the end cuts and is perfect.
sara, it's a stunning piece, almost cinematic. Very visual and rhythmic.
Sara! This breaks my heart. I like the way you tool up repitition here. "Then nothing". Nice work. I agree with Sara L. though on "precisely". Perhaps something more terse like "r...emembers is being carried or rather dragged...".
very very moving.
Thanx Lisa!
A very evocative & powerful piece, Sara (more so for anyone who's every experienced such abuse or had to watch helplessly). Anyway, someone above suggested the end of the story could be the title. I think I agree. Or even leave off that last sentence altogether. Your sentence before (" . . . . and pain in her heart and aloness of her soul.") was so moving I wanted the story to stop there.
Ed thank you,I agree the end you suggest could be the ending, but I think the way it ended is important to continuing the story in the future!
Sad and powerful in its simplicity.
Poetic.One of of the stories i wich i had been its writer.
..I wish..not' i wich'
A slip of..click
This is an atonal damage report, a high modern form that ends with a devastating message.
Wow, Sarah, very strong punchy story.
"Then Nothing"... so much in those two words. Well done!
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Excellent stuff. The key word - the "always" in the last line - is so perfectly placed.