A Necessary Evil
by sara t.
He sat in his cop car, shielded from the rain and snow, coffee in the cup holder, heat going full blast. He didn't enjoy this part of the job, sitting on the side of the expressway, stalking morning commuters on the chance they were speeding, or using the HOV lane with less than two plus passengers. But it was a necessary evil and one he'd made peace with, easy to do when he arrived home each day to the comforting touch of his wife, his home. He still smelled her on him from that mornings intimacy and he felt lucky. When the battered Maxima in the HOV lane registered ten above the speed limit, he hit the lights and eased in behind it a short blast of his car siren slowing the driver down. Getting out of his car, he thought about what he would get for breakfast, perhaps an egg and cheese, yes that sounded good. He walked over to the stopped vehicle and requested drivers license and registration please Maam. He waited a moment, two and when he peered in again he saw her slowly rifling through her purse and then she handed it to him and looked up. He registered the tear drop first then the pools of tears in the blue eyes. He went back to his car, went through the motions of writing up the speeding ticket and walked back. As he handed it to her he said “It's only a ticket, Maam, no need to cry, next time watch your speed.” Her eyes still flushed with tears held him, full of sadness and grief and she said “You, you were the last straw”.
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Author's Note
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Nice simple piece her Sara! This is the kinda stuff I love because it's real and also kicks the door of life wide open.
I like the you lead this to the close, Sara – the reader assuming the action is moving toward a dark focus at the end that will connect with the central figure. But, you flip that to making the central figure an antagonist – an active one. I like that approach.
Agreed. The voice is real and the feeling at the end has that heartstrings-behind-the-eyes sensation. Some of the stuff early in the piece pushes me out, though. Feels too normal and normally narrated. But the end brings me back. Thanks for this.
Thanx Michael and Sam yes you got what i was trying to do here.
David, that was the point though. A normal guy going about his very normal day, not knowing what effect his normal activities can have on someone. Thanx for your comments!
Sara,
"You, you were the last straw" is a magnificent end to this story.
I love the detail of his getting out of his car and thinking about what he'd have for breakfast. This story truly shows how separate we are, how one person's habits via job or any other habit can affect a stranger or friend in ways we can't imagine. I gave it a fav for its keen insight and its complexity in such a brief space.
Thanx Bobbi for the fave and for understanding precisely what i was saying and doing here and yes in a deliberately brief space, i was trying the short short story thing out!
Maybe you should call it, "Last Straw" or "Camel's Back?" At any rate I thoroughly enjoyed it.Getting out of his car he thought about what he would get for breakfast. That is a slice of the real life,however sadly observed from both sides of the day's glass.
Thanx Darryl, I thought of those titles but liked the one i ultimately chose better ;).This piece was intentionally written so ordinary to highlight the affect ordinary actions have on people in our lives. Im glad you like it.
I agree with the others about the stories big impact in a short space. This is the line that caught my eye on the homepage, "But it was a necessary evil and one he'd made peace with, easy to do when he arrived home each day to the comforting touch of his wife, his home." Like the rest of the story, it hints at a big, dark drama featuring the protagonist, and then twists him safely home.
Zoe, thank you for your comments. Much appreciated.
Nice piece! Your choice of the long line worked great for his inner voice. Good ending, too, it surprised me
Great voice here, something that I admire a lot.
I loved the ending. “You, you were the last straw”.
Susan, John, Kevin, thanx for your comments. Much appreciated.
Very, very well done. The end opens a whole story for the reader to write. Barthes would love you!
As others have said, excellent voice to this, Sara. Well done!
Sara, this is so good, with such an amazing payoff at the end. Just excellent.
Foster thanx for the comment and the Fave!
Really fine work here. I like the way you articulate his cushioned life and the kind of self-satisfaction that makes him not see what's in front of him (probably still thinking about breakfast) and the way that you don't make him an evil person, just a blind one.
Thanx Stephanie for the read and your comments.
Sad. Very poignant.
I don't even see the cop as being blind to the driver's woes, we end before any response - just doing a routine job, and that's what makes it more real - unintended consequences of actions in an ordinary day.
Well done!