21
Five girls wobble into the train car. Their blistered feet protrude
from the bedazzled straps of their sandals.
Conductor: “Girls in the back with the open containers, you can't have
those on the train.”
A heavy-set girl in a belted yellow mini-dress stumbles backward
toward the open side door, chucks her plastic Celtics cup on Harvard
Ave., and readjusts the feathered tiara stuck in her tangled hair.
“I'm 21, bitches,” she announces.
At the next stop, the posse exits, nearly knocking down an old woman
whose arms are weighed down with plastic bags.
We look at each other. We are somewhere in between 21 and dying, but
we say nothing of this.
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Author's Note
Originally published in Wine Bottle Writings, December 2010
Other stories by Karen Eileen Sikola
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What a cool mix – the serious, the funny ("I'm 21, bitches" had me laughing) and then just some really tight writing, full of restraint and good timing. A fine story.
Fabulous ending.
Really good. Last sentence feels unnecessarily muted (to me).
Maybe just:
"We are somewhere between 21 and dying."
Good snapshot. My favorite line is the first. "Wobble." Love it.
*
Enjoyed this piece.
I like this a lot. And I think you could leave us with the "21 and dying" line. Of course, up to you. *
Like it. *
Yep. Great stuff. I'm with the other on cutting at dying. Peace *
Rough and smooth at the same time, like brick city stories oughtta be. Don't cut nothin'.
I like this just the way it is – fab!
Well done. Love how the first two sentences set this up. I can see changing the last line, but I also see it working.
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and comments.
This is great Karen - a perfect micro.
Fresh and irreverent, like this a lot
Very good piece, Karen.
Nice. Wouldn't change a word. *
Great last line.
Nice and punchy and "knowing." *
Wonderful flash.
From euphoria to unspoken fear. Nicely done flash. *
What a fantastic ending. I was wondering how you were possibly going to pull off something so short that from the setup seemed like it was going to need more.
I love this. Maybe because I still see this constantly.
Love this piece, and for me, "somewhere in between 21 and dying, but we say nothing" - is the heart. *