Didn't I always let you have one of my cigarettes?
I smoked cigarettes in between brushing my teeth because I didn't want to give in to one side or the other. I liked the taste in my mouth, mint and cigarettes and fresh and filthy.
The restaurant was closed, or maybe it was condemned, so he took me somewhere else. We sat in the smoking section.
The thing he said to me that night was about the journey of life and the paths different people are on and his path was going way, way over there. I looked where he was pointing, and it got the waiter's attention too.
The sandwich was messy. And isn't sandwich one of those words that's easy to hate? I want to spell it like this: sandwhich. Sand which? Which sand? That sand. I catch myself on time, most of the time. I remove the h.
In the park, later, the slides were bright and colorful and we didn't slide through them because we were too big. He told me that he takes care of his body. He enjoyed excess once per week. I lit a cigarette, and he asked if he could have one.
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Author's Note
This appeared in the first issue of Ramshackle Review.
Other stories by Stephanie Austin
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I caught the flash of this just at the end ... This reads like some people talk ... as in, they make a point without meaning to make a point. You only know that there was an accidental point made because you were paying attention ... so, yes, this is flash and a good one, I think, if that's what you had in mind. If not, it's still good enough for me.
Fav
Laughed aloud at your opening paragraph. A great descriptive characterization. Works as flash for me. Nice job!
mint and cigarettes and fresh and filthy --
says so much.
Nice work.
Loved what James said about this and I agree with Cherise too. And Sara is right the opening line is superb!
Fave
The only part that to me was unnecessarily long (and concise is the hallmark of flash, each word burdened with meaning and necessity) was the paragraph on the sandwich. That could be only because while it worked for me to reveal a bit more about the narrator, it didn't present a clear picture. But this is great writing and I like the realism of the language that does seem stream of consciousness style. Nice.
I've come back to this one Stephanie, and in re-reading it, and in reading Susan's comments, I agree with her, that one paragraph is kind of a bit of a bump, even though it's well done and you may not need it. Just my less than two cents.
Stephanie, this one made me laugh out loud. I really like this. Fav.
I have definitely thought that about the word sandwich before - it's so awkward to say. I love this. Faving. Good luck with your flash fiction!
@Susan. I can see the bit with the sandwich as being chunky. We go outside of what's happening which makes us shift our focus. Thanks for the feedback!
This piece is so lean and tight, and I agre that cutting the sandwich thoughts would streamline it even more. Incidentally I've heard 'sammich' and 'sangrich' too. The close ties everything up so well. Fav.
Stephanie: You are getting good advice (especially about paragraph four) and healthy encouragement in this thread, concerning the craft of Flash. I think, generally, Flash is considered re off to a great start; the Earl of Sandwich would be proud.
O, Lordy -- I forgot we can't use carrots or other HTML code. That gibberish means: I think, generally, Flash is considered under 1000 words and Micro, under 500. You're off . . .
I like this -- I like the play with language, the play with imagery, the pacing. Very surreal. Good work, Stephanie.
Nicely done. I would almost say the sandwich paragraph could be eliminated, but I read it and think that it says something about the narrator that adds to this piece. For me, it seems to go well with the previous paragraph and the journey of life talk and reveals that, yes, the narrator and the other character are on different paths, as the narrator’s mind goes in a different direction.
Love this. Quirky and fascinating. The sandwich para is brilliant.
I love this! Especially your first line and your last line. They both made me laugh and the cadence throughout is excellent.
I like this!! Keep the sandwich idea - the messy sandwich is a vital part of the story. Don't know if you already took something out, since I'm late getting here, but I really like that ridiculous detail following the para about the journey of life. And speaking of the "journey" para, I love this sentence:
I looked where he was pointing, and it got the waiter's attention too.
(in addition to the fresh and filthy para too).
he takes care of his body, but asks for a cigarette!!! ugh
A priceless opening paragraph!
As food goes, sometimes it is difficult to take a "sandwich" seriously.
Laughed out loud. The sentence that really nails this for me is the one Michelle quotes above. I can *see* this narrator smoking, brushing, pointing, stopping to ponder the spelling of sandwich. Big fav (speaking of spelling, I always want to say fave instead of fav :)
Guy sounds like a real jerk, but your writing sounds just about perfect.
Fantastic! *