10 Unofficial Jobs Jake Baker has Never Got Paid For

3. Detective.

Jake ponders the back yard.

Brian watches him with an odd frown, puffing away on a smoke. “Easy Jake,” Brian says. “She'll turn up.”

Brian, their older brother, home on leave, had shown up two bright and sunny days ago, tossing a duffel bag Jake's way. Jake figures for someone with army skills he should be able to sniff out their little sister. But one look at Brian tells Jake he's unconcerned.

Brian's always unconcerned.

“Mom's gonna kill me,” Jake says, cupping his hands. “Sally! Hide and Seek's over.”

“Get your ass out here!” That's Brian.

Bored, Sally had asked multiple friends and her brothers if they had wanted to play hide and seek. Apparently, many had nodded yes, none had meant it. She hid, no one searched. An hour later, Jake finally got wise.

Jake surveys the yard, wondering where his sister could have gone when the house next door catches his eye. The neighbor's yard resembles a junk store: a busted truck on the front lawn, a stove, a refrigerator, a banana seat bicycle—

Jake squints at the refrigerator and then takes off for the yard. He doesn't know why but something tells him Sally's crawled inside. Brian follows, striding languidly, and Jake rips the door open. Sally tumbles out, her cheeks flushed.

“Hell! I'm a regular Sherlock Holmes,” Jake crows, pulling Sally to her feet.

“You found me!” Sally croaks with happiness, oblivious to her predicament.

Brian waltzes up. “Sal,” he says. “Before you go crawling into tight spaces, make sure you can get out.”

4. Nurse Maid.

“So how'd you earn this?” Jake asks, sitting on the bed across from Brian. He scrutinizes his brother's busted face.

“Goddamn, Maggie.” Brian takes the ice pack Jake hands him. “You got any aspirin, man?”

Jake heads to the bathroom. Hunting around, he finds a bottle of aspirin in the medicine cabinet next to two condoms that aren't his. He doesn't want to know who they belong to because they're sure not his.

Shaking off the thought, he pours four into Brian's hand. “You call her fat again, Brian?”

Brian smirks from behind his black eye. He's been home six months Jake doesn't think he's going away any time soon. “She asked if I wanted to get married one day.”

Jake groans, knowing the rest of the story isn't going to end happily.

“So, I told her, sure, one day I'd want to get married and that whenever she got married, I'd be honored to get an invite.”

Jake laughs. “Brian, you're going to hell.”

“Jake, that crazy broad wants to get married, to me.”

“Yeah, believe me, she could do better.”

“Jesus Christ.” Brian hangs his head. “I ain't ready for this bullshit.” He dry swallows the aspirin and stretches out across the bed.

Jake tosses Brian a blanket. “At least she's blonde.”

Brian smiles. “Not really.”

5. Lawyer.

Jake's never really found the need for a job before. Nothing's interested him enough to keep his attention. Not to mention the fact that after four tiresome years he's finally done with high school and he'd be a fool not to relish his freedom while he has it. His mom provides and Jake's content letting her. Even Brian, who seemed bound and determined to slack the majority of his life, went and got militarized. And it wouldn't be the first time he's shown Jake up.

But now seeing her, Jake figures he needs a job.

Or at least a good cover story.

Jake scoots into the diner, swiping an unattended briefcase resting next to a pair of suits at the counter. It's heavy in his hands as he makes his way over to her booth. She's hunkered down in the seat, drawing on a napkin and smoking. Jake rests the edge of the briefcase on the sticky tabletop causing her to glance up in surprise.

“I'm a lawyer,” is his opening line and he commends himself for his originality. 

Flipping the doodled napkin over, the girl arches a brow. “Really? By the looks of your clothes I'd say you belonged in the gutter.”

Jake clutches his chest. “You really cut me to the core, sweetheart, you know that?”

“I think you handle that all on your own.” She smirks, ashing her cigarette. “So, what do you practice?”

“Animal law.”

“I don't really want to know what that means.” The girl wipes her lanky hair out of her face, staring at him. She's cute, with big blue eyes, and if Jake squints just right she could be blonde, so he figures he'll give her a chance.

“Yep, at the firm of Whogivesashit.”

She laughs and extends a hand. “I'm Kathy.”

“The name's Baron Chesterfield the fifth.”