A Traitor of the Better Kind
by Jules Archer
Justification is a chant tattooed
on the inside of my wrist.
The pretty things you say to me when
I will not swallow. Go ahead, boy,
pout like a fool. The braids you put me in will
cut and tear down my nastiness.
Give me,
give me a side of stale satisfaction for I
will be good and get gold, justifying in weathered
and knee-scuffed jeans the lollipop-style I
suck and shear.
The crazy girl is thinking again,
you say. Spouting treacle and chaining her
wrists. But stale limelight is unwanted.
I have my head on a pillow when you leave
and I sigh my loudest.
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108 words
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Author's Note
Letting thoughts simmer, which is a good feeling. Sharing.
Other stories by Jules Archer
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Powerful writing, Jules - glad you shared this.
The opening of the second, "Give me," - that part got to me most, like it could've represented something more, a plea...dunno, but I liked it. *
I really like the idea of stale satisfaction. Deeply loaded language.
Good piece, Jules.
"The crazy girl is thinking again,
you say. Spouting treacle and chaining her
wrists. But stale limelight is unwanted."
Great imagery here.
Love this, start to finish.
strong piece, could be strenghened by slightest cuts--
lose "is" in first sentence, "the" in second sentence, etc, all the way through. lose "but" in the wonderful limeslight sentence--you see?
these just suggestions--i like v much, as you know--
cheers,
g
"Go ahead,boy,pout like a fool." Fave. I think I dated this girl once!
Spout on! Wow! Yes. *
She's b-a-c-k. With a bang, too. Fav.
I like the way it reads aloud, as is, and I like the way it reads with Gary's suggestions. Your simmering thoughts and verbal imagery are what make it so powerfully effective.
*
Yes, ma'am.
Jules I love the attitude here, it's fresh in the best ways fresh can be: new, tough, adorable.
*
one of your best. seriously. i love you for this. And the writing is superb.
Jules,
It's amazing from start to finish!! That first line grabs and never lets up!!! Excellent! ****