by Jack Swenson
My mother is holding my hand, towing me along, as we go into the dime store. She spots something she's interested in and stops by a counter near the front of the store. A fat lady is examining the goods on a counter on the other side of the aisle. I give her bottom a smack with the flat of my hand. "Ouch!" she says and turns around. I look up at her, and she looks down at me. She walks off without a word.
I spot another fat lady in another part of the store, and I slap her butt, too. She tells me I'm a bad boy. My mother turns around, and my mother and the lady have words. The lady leaves in a huff. My mother eyes me suspiciously.
The next time she catches me at it. A matron with an extremely large backside is standing by the candy counter. As we walk by, I give her a friendly greeting. She yelps and whirls around. "Well, I never...!" she says. My mother puts her nose in the air and leaves the store in rather a hurry with me in tow. We are halfway down the block when my mother stops, leans over, and pinches me on the arm. Hard. "Ow," I say.
"Don't do that again," she says. She says each word separately and with great emphasis. I start to cry.
That night I hear her on the phone talking to my aunt. She is telling her what I did. I'm in the other room, and she doesn't know I can hear what she is saying. She is chuckling. She seems to think the story is very funny.
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Proving that indeed the child is father to the man.
What was the poor boy to do when the objects of his attention so amply presented themselves? Very funny story, and very visual. Fav
I'd like to see Mom do what I saw a mom do once. Spank with each word, saying "Do NOT hit your brother." Brilliant strategy to teach a kid what NOT to do, yes?*
Jeez, I forgot. JP, I think that's more or less what she did! It was more than one swat anyway. Makes me sniffle just to think about it. (Women are cruel.)
Good piece. I like it, Jack.
Inspiring. I know how I'll relieve stress during the holiday shopping season. *
Auden: "Poetry is the clear expression of mixed feelings."
Swenson: "Fiction is the clear expression of mixed signals."
*
I think I'll join Lynn and relieve some stress!
Fave.
I think the story's funny, too. Great writing, Jack. *
I laughed out loud several times. My husband came into the room concerned. He thought I was crying. Hilarious, this is what you are. Hilarious--and a fantastic writer.
Fave.