If It Isn't One Thing, It's Another
by Jack Swenson
My friend says there's some kind of bug that bites its mate's head off after they have sex. I ask him which one gets decapitated, the male or the female. The male, he says.
I tell him that figures. He nods. I ask him how he is getting along with his Mrs. About the same, he says.
I go back home and tell my wife about the bugs. That's awful, she says. That night in bed we nest like spoons. I ask her if she's going to bite my head off afterward. She giggles.
Time passes. My wife has the night sweats. When she's comfy, I'm freezing to death. We sleep in separate bedrooms. I get tinnitus in my ears. I have nightmares. One night I dream that somebody is trying to kill me, and I fall out of bed.
My wife goes to the dentist and pays a thousand dollars to have her teeth whitened. I go back to the shrink I had when I was having anxiety attacks and try to find out what the hell is wrong with me this time.
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Author's Note
Many thanks to Lynn Alexander for publishing this story in Full of Crow.
It's the praying mantis. The female is mad because the male always falls asleep when he's done, leaving her unsatisfied.
Perfect little bite to this one :)
Jack,
I love this line. Just fantastic.
"That night in bed we nest like spoons."
Jack, I like how the piece moves from the first half to the second. Lots of nice details in this. Quite enjoyable.
Ouch! Reality byte.
Great! Almost too real.
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I like moving through this piece. Great work, Jack.
Sharp knife: slice of life, graphically crafted, with care and precision.
The impending badness just under the surface of this is good. The wife getting her teeth whitened (the better to bite with) and also the better to attract someone who isn't crazy or going crazy. That's good stuff. I don't usually try to interpret much within a story in these comment boxes, but those struck me in that particular way. Lynn made a good choice publishing this one, Jack.
Lynn is savvy with her Full of Crow and you can see how when reading this tight flash piece. The relationship details are set up with that brilliant metaphor of the praying mantis, and the rest tumbles forth effortlessly, yet setting up that contrast of male/female, the he/she and the ending is just pitch perfect. *
Sounds too real for comfort. I think I had the same dream. I may even have the same wife...
I read this in one of your books and loved the quality of real-life, and love it all over again. You bring us into their world (all your created worlds) without any muss or fuss. We sort of step over a line into this other zone and get to stay there awhile. That's fiction at its best.
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The title says it all. Real life at its best. *