He wore his hip in his hips, his lips
She wanted to know if he would lick the edges
When he pulled the coffee cup from his mouth
A bit of foam clung to his moustache
She watched it there, wondering if he would
Twirl it off with his fingers
Or lick it, his tongue darting out like a trap
She decided that the longer he let it hang there
The greater the chance that he would
Ask for her number
She waited
He smiled at her
And she felt sorry for him
Because he had this thing hanging on his face
She wondered if he had been the top dog
In the locker room, or the one who
Feared the lash of the washcloth
When he pushed off the foam with his napkin
She thought, he must be an accountant, or a copy editor
She wondered about the women he kissed
And if they wore cherryred lipstick
and bit roughly at his mouth
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Not bad!
Oh love this.*
Love those last three lines.
This is wonderful, especially "She wondered if he had been the top dog
In the locker room, or the one who
Feared the lash of the washcloth"
"*"
Enjoyed.
Good progression, Deborah - the movement to and away from "She waited". Especially like the way the poem opens. It's good to read your work here again.
Love the way it holds back, but not completely... inelegant restraint. I like it. *
Random thoughts turned into poetry. Wonderful! *
The coffee shop encounter elegantly rendered.*
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! It's nice to share my work here again...
Really hip first line. The dork should've wiped his mouth, tho. Of course if he WAS top dog anywhere, he wouldn't give a hoot. You smiled back, I reckon. *
Yes... she smiled back. She always smiles back...
*, Deborah. Her anticipation pulled me along, enjoying each word. Nice job.
Hmmmm. *
Thanks guys...:)
Really nice writing *
Love how this tiny, personal moment gets the full poetic treatment, each gesture unpacked. "I wonder if he's an accountant," heh. Internal rhymes of that first line add to the whimsy. Well done.
Thanks Foster... and thanks for the detailed response, Cynthia. I often wonder if anyone else sees humor in my work...
Love this! Love the tongue darting out like a trap, and "And she felt sorry for him."
Thanks Epiphany... that's my favorite transition moment...
Fun and fine and sassy.
Thanks Lucinda!
Nice. *
Thanks Beate!