The I Hate to Fuck Book
by Con Chapman
Peg Bracken was the author of "The I Hate to Cook Book," "The I Hate to Houseclean Book," and other send-ups of 1950's household hint collections. The following was not found among her papers when she died.
Some women, it is said, like to fuck.
This book--The I Hate to Fuck Book--is not for them.
This book is for those of us who hate sex, and who have learned that it is one of life's unpleasant experiences--like paying taxes, or renewing a driver's license--that does not become less painful through repetition.
This book is for the woman who wants to put out just enough to keep her man's mind off other women:
Men's Magazines--A housewife's best friend! Keep your bathroom stocked with an ample supply of moisturizing lotion and men's magazines, and I don't mean the huntin' 'n fishin' kind. When your husband starts to look at you like a wall-eyed pike, tell him to go screw-himself!
Really--just as much fun. For the human.
Quik 'n Easy Vixen Steak: If you want to get sex over with, pretend you like it and go at it like a bitch mink in heat. The male orgasm is basically the equivalent of a sneeze, and he won't be able to stop once you get going. Cooking time: 30 seconds.
"Sure we had sex last night--don't you remember?"
Get him drunk: Worried about what will follow the annual Scotch-Mixed Doubles Dinner Dance at your country club? Pump your man full of Manhattans and Rob Roys and he'll fall asleep before you know it. In the morning, tell him "That was the best sex of my life!", and you won't have to copulate for another month.
Va-va-voom!
Don't dress for ingress! Clothes make the man, according to Mark Twain, but your nightgown can unmake your man as well. Choose a flannel night gown with a lace ruff and a high collar and you'll have about as much feminine sex appeal as Samuel Langhorne Clemens himself.
Rabid marmots: "I wuv you too!"
Spice down your love life! Role-playing can be used to spice sex up, but some spices, such as cardamom, are used for just one recipe, then put back on the Lazy Susan and forgotten. Try this one: "Let's pretend I'm a rabid marmot and you're a big, strong fish and game warden trying to remove my head and send it off to the state Department of Infectious Diseases for testing." It has been known to work wonders on even the most amorous males.
If you must have sex, get something out of it! Keeping your man's expectations low means he has to pay through the nose if he wants to "score". "I can't really get in the mood for sex in the continental United States or Canada," you say. "How about a getaway weekend, and I don't mean Alaska."
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection "The I Hate to F--k Book and Other Perversions," only 99 cents. Buy two--one for the bedroom, one for the bath!
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I can't tell you how many people I know who would like to buy this book. God, you are so very funny.
whew--now that an actual woman has commented....lol
i will just say this made me laugh
like that book i saw at the supermarket? title was "porn for women"
so natch i picked it up and it was filled with beefcake guys cooking and baking in aporons and doing the dishes and laundry and changing poopy diapers.
ther ya go, con---your next story/book
half royalties, all i'mn asking. you the fucking lawyer, draw up the contract
"I can't really get in the mood for sex in the continental United States or Canada," you say.
my favorite line
and I'll just say, Gary, that those plane tickets and dinner reservations definitely should have gone in the Porn for Women book, which I did see, but definitely thought it was more Playboy than Hustler. lol.
-like paying taxes, or renewing a driver's license--that does not become less painful through repetition.
another good one. fav! very funny
Enjoyed it, Con. Good piece.
The amazing thing is, as useful as this book would be, it's been turned down by numerous publishers.
Funny!
Haha!
Very funny Con, and so many memorable lines.
"Don't dress for ingress!" - hysterical
"I can't really get in the mood for sex in the continental United States or Canada," - oh man
How about a getaway weekend, and I don't mean Alaska.
HA. Now you're talking!
I like the Quik 'n Easy Vixen Steak the best. Mmm. My favorite!
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It's all been said.
We had to put the marmots down, but they died doing the thing that they loved.
That is good comedy! The premise is hilarious! Nice work Con.
Now I hate to be a party pooper but I think you are generalizing just a wee bit too much. I know someone who happens to love her old flannel nightie which smells perhaps a bit like her grandma and mothballs but who would never -- and I repeat NEVER -- buy this book.
But I do thank you for reminding me, ahem HER, that she needs to renew her driver's license.
And no one has yet commented on those cute little marmots: "I wuv you too!"
Where's Con's stand-up show? Is he touring in NZ? Will someone please tell me?
You ought to make this an ebook and sell millions. Especially in the continental United States and Canada.
I would buy this book, put it on my living room table and have cocktail parties nightly that are themed around it. Great work, just great.
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Good stuff.
This was great, but--I could have sworn it was found among her papers when she died.
LOL. Love to LOL. Fave.
You have uncanny insight into the female psyche. Are you actually a woman?
No, but I grew up with a mother, two sisters, two female cats and a dad who owned a women's clothing store.
Funny stuff!
Very funny... :)
I'm laughing too hard for my feminist self to come out and complain. Thank you.
At last, the Truth can be told ...
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Read this story because I liked your newest one. You are very funny!