It's True What They Say
…when I open my eyes I see what a perfect shot, the arrow stuck in the side of my neck, a fountain of blood sinking the snow like maple sap, and Dave barrels through underbrush, his breath heaves white clouds, he's lost his hat, there's a bald spot in back I'd never noticed because even though he's my little brother he's five inches taller, and he sinks to his knees, shit, shit, shit, oh shit, then fumbles in his camo for his cell and I laugh, you idiot, you fucking know you can't get a signal this side of the mountain, but he jabs at the stupid buttons anyway, and then Pa grasps my fingers, odd because he's never held my hand and he's dead ten years anyway, and he says with his eyes, it's time to go, and below spins green and white, this brilliant heat fills me, and I turn to Pa and say, hey it's true what they say on those tv shows, those people who die and come back, and when he smiles I know I'm dead and it's okay this peace falls over me, a kind of grace I feel after I mow the hayfield all sweaty and happy, or when I think of Marisa, the swell of her belly, and I wait for the tug, the one that yanks me back to Dave blubbering over me in the cold bloody snow, I wait and wait, but Pa grips me harder…
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Author's Note
Inspired by the 52/250 theme: floating away. http://52250flash.wordpress.com/
And by those died and came back stories I've been watching on the BIO channel. Proof of an afterlife, or just neurochemicals shooting off as the body shuts down? Who knows. But their stories are oddly comforting.
Other stories by Linda Simoni-Wastila
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What works so well here Linda, is the breathlessness of the form, the sort of stream of consciousness prose and the moments of ordinary-ness in the midst of this overwhelmingly powerful event...like when he says "it's true what they say on tv" and when he remembers the grace he feels after mowing the hayfields, remembers his pregnant wife. How beautifully you convey death here, as he waits to be tugged back by his friend, but his father's grip is harder. Lovely and strong. *
What a well done scene in so few words. I especially like the use of humor when talking about the phone signal. The character is dying, but still has time to laugh. Good work.
Inspired, indeed. Both ending and narrative. *
Really fine, Linda, and as Matt says the humor is a brilliant counterpoint to the tragedy of the moment.
really good(!) balance of humor et truth.
similarity with your last piece, too. (can't lose that image of the leg zipping down the hill...)
oh my. this reminds me of early T.C. Boyle - it is sharp, scary, true, dramatic, you are living this in your imagination so vividly as you write, the dead grab us here Linda and their seductive pull works on us, smacks us straight into the story with our hearts ruined.
A marvelous piece. Good writing.
If readers have experienced a couple of near-death episodes, they'll realize how strong this Micro is -- if they haven't, they can only wait for the tug. Absolutely brilliant! *
Damn! Perfect even to the witholding of ...
*****
this is absorbing and flows so nicely, i am right there in the stream..a piece with much heft -fav
Dear all, thank you for your generous reads and comments. I've been gone almost all day and checking in now, I'm so happy for your reactions to this sentence that spun out of me this week. Peace...
A virtuoso piece.
I see the symmetry of the "and"s beginning and ending this piece. I like the piece even without them. (Keep the ellipses.) Just a thought.
*
MJ, thank you so much for riding along with my narrator. And thanks for the fav! Peace...
Bill, virtuouso? Thank you -- makes my heart sing! I think you are correct -- drop the 'ands' which are redundant with the ellipses at any rate.
So good to have you back! Peace...
Really held me in the moment.Jumbled and clear all at once.Wonderful line, "Pa grasps my fingers, odd because he's never held my hand and he's dead ten years anyway" and the blood like maple sap sinking in the snow. Glad I found this piece.
The way you get in the head of this dying woman is just amazing. I love Pa coming, and what she is "seeing" as the lights are going out for her
*
Carol, I'm glad you found this piece, too! Thank you for reading. Peace...
Susan, thanks for reading and the fav! It seems when we die we are met with a guide, to show us the way. A comfort -- if true! Peace...
oh, linda, this is so wonderful. i have always loved stories about that grey bit between life and death and this is the best short story about it that i recall reading and that i could read again and again. until, well, morning light.
Marcus, thank you so much for reading and your wonderful comment. You made my week. Really. Peace...
I totally agree with Kathy’s comments. I love how the stream of thought includes details like “he's lost his hat,” “there's a bald spot in back I'd never noticed,” “you can't get a signal this side of the mountain.” And then you have Pa. Very effective.
breathless, yes, and quite stunning *