Breakfast Dance - a 55 word story
The handsome man at the opposite table swivels his head at the tall cool slim blonde entering the breakfast cafe. The ordinary woman sitting with him adjusts her chair accordingly. She pretends to ignore her husband's distraction, smoothes her hair, licks her lips, stirs her coffee round and round, laughs too shrilly at his comment.
- by Judith A. Lawrence
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Author's Note
For the love of 55 word stories
Other stories by Judith A. Lawrence
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Nice!
I like this piece.
Great story. Sad because it's so very true.
Very well observed!
Good story.
"...tall cool slim..." too many adjectives in my opinion.
You know too much about women, Judith, but it's accurate info.
I agree with Matthew; adj. and adv. are frowned on in short-shorts although, somehow, they work in BREAKFAST. Try breaking . . . tall cool . . . with commas.
You set a terrific scene with a few words.
Ramon, yes, you and Matthew are both right of course, but in an economy of words you use what you can, and I was missing the 55th word. I used to use too many commas; now not enough.:-)Hmmm. What was it Oscar Wilde said? "I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon, I put it back in again."
yes, what a scene and what compression.
Ah, yes. Familiar story! (You should the bruises on my ankles from her kicks.) Great punch line.
Strong scene and characters in 55 words. Nice!
Kari,
Thank you. Thank you. Lovely to hear.
yes, women pretend they don't know whats happening. Seen it many times.
Extraordinary scene with three complete lives in it. *
Thank you Beate.