by Jack Swenson
I needed a job while I went to school in SF. Got one out on the foggy avenues. I worked for a crazy lady who made books for blind kids. Not braille books; regular books. They were big print books for kids who could see a little.
We had an apartment on Nob Hill just a couple of blocks from Grace Cathedral. It was on the fourth floor of one of those buildings that are all up and down. You stood in our kitchen, looked down the hall, looked out a rear window, and you could see the East Bay; we had a fabulous view.
I say "we" because I had taken a bride by that time. Married a girl from Las Vegas. It wasn't a marriage made in Heaven, but we were getting along in those days, more or less.
One day I got a shock. I was walking back to the apartment after work, and I ran into a girl I knew when I lived in Minneapolis. She was lugging a basket of folded laundry. Yes, she lived out here now. Her apartment was right across the street.
I thought no more about it that day. I woke up that night thinking about it. I recalled the one night stand I'd had with the girl one balmy summer evening in Minneapolis. We lay on my bed in the moonlight, and I touched the nipples of her tiny breasts with the thumb and pinkie of one hand. She didn't want me to do that. "Do not make sport of me," she said.
I didn't see her for weeks, and then one day I ran into her on the street again and asked her in for a drink. My wife was in the hospital. Again. My wife had problems. A bad back, she said, but it was all in her head. It got worse when one of her friends died, a girl she went to high school with. The girl's family blamed The Pill.
My Midwest friend and I sat in my apartment taking in the view. It was a clear night, and you could see about a million lights. We chatted about this and that. She wasn't a talker. I remembered that about her from before. She would sit in a group of people who were chattering like blackbirds and not say a word.
I told her she looked lovely. She did, too. When she got up to leave, at the door, I put my arms around her, and she leaned back against me. I kissed her hair. She covered my hands with hers. Her hands were cold. "Call me," she whispered. I said I would.
When she was gone, I poured some more bourbon into my glass, and stood at the window in the tiny living room looking out. The bridge, Treasure Island, the East Bay in the distance. It was like watching the show of lights on a winter night in Minnesota.
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The paint's still drying on this one. Help! Feel free to suggest changes. Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Two wonderful lines:
I thought no more about it that day. I woke up that night thinking about it.
"Do not not make sport of me," she said. Now *that's* a gift of a line for a writer to hear. In fact, that's about the best damn line I've ever read. It's encyclopedic in its copeseticness.
There are people who play tennis, and then there are tennis players.
You, sir, are a player.
Not not? I think not.
Great ending, Jack - "When she was gone, I poured some more bourbon into my glass, and stood at the window in the tiny livingroom looking out. The bridge, Treasure Island, the East Bay in the distance. It was like watching the show of lights on a winter night in Minnesota." Has a William Stafford-easy to the language. I know he wrote poetry, but it's same ease that my ear catches in your work.
Jack, this is so interesting and "readable", and I want to hear more, it feels like a chapter from a longer piece that maybe you will write
I need an ending. Interesting story, so far.
ok Jack, will settle for 2 more chapters.
Great beginning paragraph. So far so good. I agree with Ms. Bruno: needs an ending.
Sounds to me you are building this up to be a marital affair with the main character and his ex lover. If so, should make for a good story.
Some quick thoughts: What if his wife's bad back problem was real, that it wasn't in her head. Maybe its cancer. Maybe she dies and he feels guilty for cheating on her. Maybe she lapses into a coma and he needs to decide to choose his wife or choose his girlfriend. Turn it into a Shivo(sp? story.
Enjoyed this one, Jack.