He saw them across the street, an older woman and her apprentice. Saturday, and Scott was home alone, his wife out spending money. He hated working weekends, but had no choice. They were in the red, three months behind on their mortgage.
Right off, he identified the two women as Witnesses—Bibles clutched in their hands, skirts well past their knees. His neighbor Dale turned them away. They crossed over and marched up his drive.
Her face wrinkled as a paper bag, the older woman pulled her hair tight into a severe bun. Her thin smile forced a brochure into Scott's hand. He flipped through it, pretending to read while stealing glances at the younger woman. He liked the curve of her nose, the fullness of her lips. She fidgeted with buttons on a red raincoat that held her breasts in a lover's embrace.
After the older woman tried and failed to get money from him, the younger woman asked Scott if he loved Jesus.
He was thinking life might have turned out differently with a woman like this, a woman who loved Jesus instead of credit cards.
He wondered how it would play if he told her he loved the color red.
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About time for the Witnesses to come around.
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"a woman who loved Jesus instead of credit cards"
Love this.*
So many lovely phrases here - Her face wrinkled as a paper bag,her breasts in a lover's embrace, liked the curve of her nose ..... and so on.
Great piece. ***
Ah, yes. *
great little scene*
Concise. Precise. Love this story. Some great stuff on good, old Fictionaut today. A+ / *.
The imagery is stark and real - " Her face wrinkled as a paper bag, the older woman pulled her hair tight into a severe bun." Good writing.
Such a fine, crisp scene.
Can I get a witness?
Enjoyed, Gary V.
" She fidgeted with buttons on a red raincoat that held her breasts in a lover's embrace. "
Such a great image in the midst of the religious severity. This whole thing is perfection. *
What if...?
:)
Lxx
Nice *
I want him to tell her and I want to see what happens.
Enjoyed very much, Gary.
Man in the red sees girl in red. "Come to Jesus right now!." The insights of the indebted man. *
*, Gary. What a great, well-told story! What a great line:
" She fidgeted with buttons on a red raincoat that held her breasts in a lover's embrace."
May I just say "what they all said" and be done with it? No, that would be lazy.... okay,
I wanted the girl to open her raincoat and offer her breasts.
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"...a woman who loved Jesus rather than credit cards."
"if he told her he loved the color red"
dammmmmn
*
Splendidly seductive on so many levels. In the red would be the kind of time when Jesus becomes attractive to anyone. *
Concluding clinchers are your forte, Gary. Nice.*
Thanks to all for the nice comments. Much appreciated. Glad you enjoyed.
The best endings are limitless. G.V.P., you've done it again.
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