5′5″
Paul stood 6′5″. He assured himself that Kate's height was fine, taller than the average 5′3″ woman. After all, he didn't want a volleyball-spiking giant. Sure there were moments where he found himself studying her legs, thinking how wonderful they would be an inch, perhaps two, longer.
5′4″
Three months after meeting, while standing up from dinner, Paul remarked that Kate seemed shorter. She pointed at his gut. “Fair enough,” he said. She laughed, and he pretended to choke her, making her laugh again, a noise seemingly louder than anyone that height had a right to produce.
5′3″
When A Man Loves A Woman played, their first dance as husband and wife. Kate rested her head against Paul's chest. He tried pretending they were alone. He did wonder why she hadn't worn longer heels. A lyric kept buzzing around his head, something about envying all the dancers who had all the nerve. At the far table, his friend Paula, who he'd once kissed, was smiling and watching. He stopped making eye contact, convinced Paula was grinning at how silly they looked.
5′2″
During a check-up two weeks after giving birth to Ella Louise Kaufman, the nurse wrote down that Kate was 5′2″. Paul, careful not to sound too anxious, asked the nurse to measure Kate again. Kate laughed. The nurse gave Paul a look but honored his request, adding “AND 1/12″ next to Kate's height.
Kate laughed and reached out for Paul's shoulder. “Happy, honey?”
5′1″
Paul went to see a doctor. While the lanky man said of course he couldn't diagnose Kate's condition without seeing her, he acknowledged that if she was 29 they could likely rule out osteoporosis. Paul shook his head when the doctor asked if Kate slouched or had perhaps fallen off a roof and fractured the bones of her spine.
Before heading home, Paul went to a vitamin store and asked questions. The salesman handed him a can of protein powder that tasted “better than chocolate milk.” That night, Paul transported the powder from his trunk to the kitchen. No matter how much milk, ice cream, or sugar he added, it tasted like chocolate chalk. Out back, he buried it at the bottom of the trash can.
5′0″
The nurse guiding Kate to push occasionally glanced at Kate's legs. Paul pretended not to notice her staring at his poor wife's legs. He tried not to feel sorry for himself, bringing another baby into a world where a woman's legs could go from lovely to stubby.
Nearly 15 hours after Paul signed them into the obstetrics unit, Carl Alvin Kaufman joined the world.
Holding young Carl, Kate laughed. Paul noted, happily, that at least her laugh hadn't diminished.
4′11″
While she slept, Paul measured Kate, who slept flat as a cork board. She came in a hair over 4′11″. Paul checked on both snoring kids and then performed a number of Google searches about shrinking young females. He parsed through articles about minimal jail sentences, mothers struggling to juggle work/life issues, and anorexia.
He stumbled across a list of famous 4′11″ women, including actress Nell Carter, author Laura Ingalls Wilder, Senator Barbara Boxer, and internet celebrity Tila Tequila.
After studying a number of Tila Tequila pictures, Paul slept better than he had in weeks.
4′10″
Kate straddled Paul, reaching down to rub his chest. Her fingers just reached his nipples. Kate squeezed them and laughed, asking if he wanted to be ridden like a bull. He nodded, tried to sound enthusiastic saying “yes.” After somehow fitting inside her, he imagined Tila, wondered if she was so small everywhere, too. A few minutes later, Kate stretched out on top of him, her toes tickling his knees. He recalled seeing at least two porn stars listed, each clocking in at 4′10″. He pictured them with much bigger men. That helped him relax.
Later, after Kate began to snore, even louder than he remembered, Paul tip-toed out of the room. He wasn't as impressed with the list of 4′10″ women. The porn actresses listed were named “Dyanmite” and “Tami Monroe.” He researched the name “Dyanmite,” thinking it was a misspelling. He clicked on the link but got an error message. The “Tami Monroe” link didn't work either. Afraid to infect his computer with a virus, he gave up looking for their pictures.
Joining them on the 4′10″ list was Janis Ian. Paul played At Seventeen. He'd heard the song before but never focused on the lyrics. What sort of imaginary ex-lovers murmured vague obscenities over the phone? He thought about that a lot, listening to the song again.
4′9″
During a family walk, Paul stopped pushing the stroller to pick Carl's bottle of milk off of the sidewalk. After wiping the nipple against his shirt, Paul looked ahead. The tip of Ella's head - before the girl even turned five - already nudged past Kate's shoulder. A car driving by them seemed to slow down, and the driver stared, likely trying to determine whether they were mom and daughter or sisters. Kate waved at the woman and yelled something back to Paul, maybe telling him which neighbor it was. As the car passed him, Paul held up his left hand.
To avoid staring at Kate and Ella, Paul studied the roofs they passed, looking for algae stains. When that no longer helped, he focused on Carl's wails.
That night, Paul was disheartened to learn that Kate was now the same size as Linda Hunt, the annoying elementary school principal in Kindergarten Cop, the woman who had looked shorter than most of the fake students.
4′8″
Paul asked Kate to accompany him to the doctor. She said she felt fine, that whatever was going on with her height wasn't dangerous.
The next morning, before work, in an unplanned and dramatic gesture, he fell to his knees and begged her to go. He fought off the urge to rise, surprised that being on his knees made them the same height. Kate kissed his cheek and said she'd go if it would make him happy.
After conducting a battery of tests and blood work, the doctor said to come back in a week to see what was what.
That night, Kate's snoring was louder than it had ever been. In the guest room, he wondered if it was actually louder. Maybe he was using that as an excuse. Perhaps he couldn't sleep next to her because doing so made him measure her.
4′7″
The doctor could not determine what was causing Kate to shrink. He commented on Kate's good posture, nodding at Paul. Other than being a tad anemic, the tests indicated Kate was perfectly healthy.
That night, Paul confirmed he was now married to a woman no taller than Dr. Ruth.
Paul came down for breakfast to find Ella and Kate hugging. They were the same height. Paul went back to bed.
4′3″
Watching Kate on her tippy toes, getting water from the kitchen sink, Paul knew she had shrunk at least three inches.
Later, he confirmed she was the same height as Zelda Rubenstein, the creepy woman from Poltergeist.
He listened to an Edith Piaf CD, The Voice of the Sparrow, and thought of weeping. He was shocked at the power that Edith, at 4′8″, conveyed in her songs.
He flipped through his wedding album and then checked in on the kids. Both snored. Other students would say nasty things to them about their mom. He'd need to prepare them. He pulled out his notebook, jotting down a note to speak to the children soon about what would be in store for them. He added a P.S. to first think up some retorts for Carl and Ella to say. A few minutes later, he added a P.P.S. to remind the children not to have their retorts sound overly rehearsed.
1′10″
Over the course of 21 days, Kate lost 28 inches. On the 22nd day, on a cell phone camera, a neighbor's son captured Kate in the backyard, carrying what looked like an Epcot-sized bag of trash. Within a week, the paparazzi were waiting outside. Guinness Book of Records officials arrived. Measurements were taken, identification reviewed.
Kate was anointed the world's shortest woman, 2.24 centimeters tinier than Pauline Musters, who died in 1895.
4″
Paul and Kate waited backstage. Paul held Kate in his right hand, asked if they could please go home. Her loud laugh, as it tended to do, startled him. With his left hand, he dug in his briefcase for his notebook. He needed to make a note to ask the doctor why her laugh hadn't gotten smaller. Perhaps that held the key to a cure. Before he could write anything down, a woman, probably 5′4″, told them it was time.
Paul carried Kate on stage, gently dropping her into his left hand so he could shake Jay Leno's hand with his right. Paul scanned the crowd. Hopefully Kate's Mom would put the kids to bed early, not allow them to watch the show with her.
As they wrapped things up, Jay asked if he could hold Kate. Paul paused, eventually relenting to the clapping crowd.
Jay stood up and held Kate next to his chin, earning a standing ovation. The next day on YouTube, 3,558,019 users watched the clip of Kate dangling next to Jay's chin. Only three of the 2487 commenters that day speculated what Paul, nearly out of camera range, was writing in his large blue notebook.
12
favs |
1796 views
25 comments |
1666 words
All rights reserved. |
recently appeared in 3:AM Magazine
http://www.3ammagazine.com/3am/vague-obscenities/
thanks to all folks in workshoppy group for getting this story into shape, with special thanks to bonnie zobell, alan stewart carl, sheldon compton, joshua moses, christian bell, jarrid deaton and mimi vaquer (some of whom read/edited numerous versions)
This story has no tags.
Exceptional form. Good piece, David.
Good! Very well done!
As a woman of 5'0", I held my breath reading this, wondering where you were going and if I had to denounce you as a friend on Facebook.
Loved it, love the style, the namedropping, the inevitable end and the careless disregard for the reader's question of "Why?" Too many people think you have to have an answer to magical realism and this just happens so close to that line of reality, it's perfectly done.
Thanks, Sam and Matt, appreciate the reads and kind words.
Susan, thanks a lot. As my message indicated, I'm glad you didn't unfriend me. That seems to be happening to me a lot these days, ha ha.
I'm so happy the namedropping and careless disregard of "why?" worked. One of my favorite movie lines ("Breach")- "The why doesn't mean a thing." I tried to keep this as "reality-based" as I could while still adding some crazy stuff happening. So happy to hear it worked for you.
This is a great story, David. I'm glad I could help out with such a tremendous story!
David, I think what I liked best about the story is how it grew, no pun intended! I started to chuckle midway, laughed out loud at the end. Terrific.
Still loving this one, Dave. Great job and congrats again.
"That night, Paul confirmed he was now married to a woman no taller than Dr. Ruth." oh god, David, this entire story is just too funny - you sustain the deadpan perfectly.
David well done! "...a woman, probably 5"4, told them it was time." I like that line best. Paul has become obsessed here and thats also evidenced by that notebook. Funny piece!
Christian and Shel, thanks again! Your edits were invaluable and your time was generous.
Jack, high praise and greatly appreciated. I'm thrilled to hear the story made you laugh.
Julie, thanks! That Dr. Ruth line went through so many edits before I "liked" it. I'm so pleased to hear you found the deadpan tone to be sustained well. Greatly appreciate your read and thoughts.
Sara, wow, v cool that is your favorite line. I inserted it after major revisions had come/gone. I wanted to convey exactly what you took from it. Thanks so much and, ha, glad you like the notebook.
Really nice use of form here, and a very realistic approach to something quite unbelievable. I completely accepted the shrinking part. Also, I'm glad you didn't address the "Why is this happening to her?" part of things. That would've ruined it. It's not about that.
So funny, so smart, so, so great, David :)
I enjoyed learning about women under five feet, amid the man's personal anguish. This one took some research.
This is a great piece–I like the matter of fact tone and the little tidbits of info throughout. It's very funny with a touch of the bittersweet. Never knew Edith Piaf was that small!
Thanks, John. Indeed the "why" concerning her shrinkage didn't interest me, and I'm glad of that.
Thanks Marcelle, that is wonderful to hear, all around.
Jon, ha, thank you. I did do some research. Amazing what "famous short women" finds in the Googs. I think the actual site is called exactly that. I had some fact-checking to do but overall Google made my life pretty easy. Glad you enjoyed it, man.
Shelagh, thank you so much. I know, I was shocked about a number of entries in the famous short women world, most especially Edith P's! Thanks, I was aiming for funny/bittersweet, not my usual approach at all.
I was so had by this story, didn't start laughing until well under 5 feet. Masterful hilarity. Nice work.
Thanks...Bear! That is really cool to hear.
Wham. Excellent form and such a matter-of-fact surreality to this.
Excellent device, though I didn't laugh, well, maybe the way I laugh reading Kafka. For me it equated the slow decent in many marriages as a spouse, once bigger than life, slowly diminishes and in the end is barley noticed. Having Jay Leno hold her was pure evil. One of my favorites of yours.
Derek, thanks so much. I heard back from a non-fictionaut reader who said that the story evoked memories of an old painful relationship, one where she felt smaller and smaller in all facets. I do think I had some of that "in mind" writing this, the way the focus is completely on the male narrator. During edits, I resisted calls to make the wife more "well rounded," I think, in part, because of what you mention above. I'm probably not elucidating this well, possibly why I write fiction much better than I do lit criticism, etc. Thanks so much. You're quite a tough reader and your fave of this one, and your mention of Kafka, is quite a nice thing to see. Ha, and the Leno part being called "pure evil" makes me grin, probably way too widely to be healthy.
Love this story. So beautiful and sad. And so ridiculous without being at all ridiculous. Congrats on getting it into 3:AM!
Love, love, love this , DEE. But you already know that.
Thanks again, Alyson!
Bonnie, thank you. I just "thanked" you in the acknowledgments section. I was too "bifurcated" in my approach, focusing on thanking the Fictionauters who cleaned this one up...forgetting how much amazing help you provided on Zoetrope and off-line. Thanks again. D
This is perfect. Again, thanks for not getting into the 'why' of it.
I like how this goes from a very normal story about two people falling in love and starting a family to an over-the-top pseudo-reality tv show. I also like the guy's self-centeredness - his wife is literally disappearing before his eyes, and his main concern is whether any porn stars share her height. Nicely done.