In The Lake

how does one add a comment that's "No comment"?

I usually discount stuff this short, but this is intense. I hope if you want to you develop this into something longer.

This is great, fearless writing, Cherise. There is a world of subtext swirling around these two sisters. I would end on "our mother calls out to us."

I'm very impressed you wrote and posted this! I wish I could watch people's faces as they read it.
I have two daughters. I am bashful on their behalves, in writing if not in real life.
Kudos.

holy, Cherise! BRAVO.

Actually I like the ending as it is - it is so full of the normal, the everyday...

Brave. Precise. Perfect.

This is very close to perfect, Cherise. Not one word more for me. Powerful. If you do edit - I think Kathy's suggestion is the way to go. I like the ambiguity of ending with "In the distance our mother calls out to us."

Nervy, Cherise. I'd say, keep the ending as it is. It's ... how can I say it? It puts everything else into perspective. I think Philip Roth would tell you, "Don't touch it."

I echo what everybody has just said. Brave. Risky. Potent.

holy shit, cherise--

this site is gonna get a reputation, lol

what's in the water at fn, LMAO

who started all this?

ok, seriously--this is a finely crafted story. *

Kudos for the courage and the writing.

I don't like this sentence: "She's made me do this before." It's already clear she's done this before.

I do have to say...I'm not sure what's so brave about this story. Sick and twisted but don't know about brave, per se. It kept my interest, sure, but it still feels a bit light on substance at this point.

Powerful, bold and extremely well written. I would love to know more about these two, their back story as well as what happens next.

Cherise, glad you wrote this small story. It seems like a record: 12 fav's in two hours and still the top-listed story. May I differ with Kathy and Sam and say that I like the story ending with "It's lunchtime."

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Yes, I like: “Girls, girls,” she yells, “It's lunchtime.” It implies the perfect image with which to end your well written, graphic story.

Wowza. Thank you everyone for your fabulous comments! Con and Isabel, I am actually going further with this....

Truly everyone, thank you.

Good grief! I missed this. My favorite kind of story, too. Cherise, you are a naughty girl.

I can only echo all the good comments already posted. Bold, powerful, brave, intense, etc.

Agree with Claire, James, Ann and J. about ending. Agree with everyone else that this is well- written, strong and brave. Well done!
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Samuel, thanks for your comments above. I'll tell you why Cherise's story was "brave" to me. She's writing about a topic that is taboo and that is incest. To write about sister-on-sister masturbation with this level of sensitivity and finesse is damn hard to pull off. This piece captures the danger of the moment, and the weird dislocation experienced by the narrator (the boat in the distance, mom calling to lunch). That is masterful. Just my two cents.

Hear, Hear D'Arcy. What you said.

Thanks, D'Arcy. Interesting comment. No argument from me that it's "sensitively" written. Where we digress I guess is on this being a taboo subject. I have seen/read/heard about so many books/movies about incest - have you seen "Precious"? I flashed to that first scene b/w the mom and the daughter when I read this piece today. I guess I'm just not wowed at this point, maybe I'm just in the camp of need more, ya know. Okay, the older sister is getting the younger sister to do this bad thing and the younger sister is doing it and the clueless (or uncaring or both?) mom is calling them for lunch. But I guess my point is, uh, so what. Maybe this is my own issue these days with flash fiction as it's called. Yeah, it's a good set up and for such a short space it conveys "a lot" . . . but I guess maybe I've read too many incest books/stories over the years to feel like this is new or cutting edge. Do agree that it works for what it does and no doubt any number of literary journals that take flash will publish it but I guess it doesn't feel finished to me.

Samuel, I'm a geezer. I come from newspapers and having a nut graph at the top of the story telling readers what things are "about" and pithy quotes and wrapping it up in 16 tight throbbing inches. So I understand your reticence about "flash." And I agree it's difficult to care about something that is written in 200 words. I mean, I want my heart broken. I want to be disturbed, changed, moved, mesmerized. I'm no expert on the flash genre but I can recognize when something is good. And it's not just because Cherise is writing about a topic that usually won't appear in family newspapers. It's because it is so artfully done,, and she had made me care about this narrator. I feel her dread and sense that she's treading into forbidden territory. And the "so what" is the subtext. There's some disturbing stuff going on in this family, and I find that interesting.

perfectly pitched...direct, straight out of the gate with the 1st line "Put your finger there," the reader being forced/pulled into the tabboo too. The wrinkled finger, a terrific foreboding image (how do you forebode in a 174 word story?) the lake water also sharing in complicity...and yet the "deed" itself is done just above water line, and becomes submerged only through the indifferent wake of a passing boat, while all of it goes beyond notice of the distant mother. Well done!

I very much appreciate the dialogue that has gone on here.

Thank you D'Arcy for your thoughtful and detailed responses, and Claire for joining in.

While I understand your point Samuel about flash fiction... this is likely the start of a larger piece that I am developing.

However, I am very gratified that terrific writers and readers feel this stands alone as is.

While incest per se has been done to the nth degree, typically it is incest between parent and child, and most often between father and daughter or son, either coercively or violently or both.

While the sisters here may be engaging in something literally called incest, there is much more here in the subtext, as the comments above note, and it is that subtext that I am developing: sibling exploration, the range of power between siblings, etc.

I admire and respect the response generated by my work.

Thank you so much Doug. Your comments are so astute and on point, and what I was writing to capture.

Jack, Christian, Bill - thank you!

Ah Cherise. What an interesting piece and discussion you've started. To some degree, I feel like saying, Yes, what they've all said (so well crafted in a short space, hard to do: yes!), but I also feel something different. I did not get so hung up on the incest in this. I did not think: Oh, no, another incest story. I thought: wow, this is a glimpse at a pretty complex relationship between sisters (as relationships betw. sisters always are) and I wanted to know more. This is not a beginning, or an end, but the middle of a relationship, captured beautifully and strangely with one moment. I really love how the reader is plunked down right in the middle of this short scene, and right in the middle of their relationship.

The moment pulled me in, and the moment left me wondering. But I am not left wondering about incest per se, but rather about their relationship overall, which is surely normal on many levels. Or, even more strange to think: this could be one of the more normal things in their lives, this intimate thing. I'm waiting for the layers to be explored. I am not sure whether to be hopeful or pessimistic about these two, and that is also very intriguing - the not knowing about where this is going.

So yes, it stands on its own, but I want more. And I have a feeling that 'more' ain't gonna be just another story about incest.

And: the imagery of the water, the finger, the taste... those are so alive in this piece. The setting is perfect. You and your lakes!

Thank you Michelle for these fabulous comments! And yes! You caught it exactly It isn't about incest at all, not really, but about the complexity of these sisters' relationship to and with each other, the games that siblings play. And yes! This is a middle. There is more already. For me, how it started is not important... but perhaps how the older sister and younger narrator navigate their relationship in this way. So pleased it intrigues you. I laughed about your comment - me and my lakes!

This whole "there's much more in the subtext" is why I think I'm becoming burned out on flash fiction. I don't really see a lot of subtext here. Yes, the younger sister decides to do it on her own, rather than have her older sister hold down her hand...but again I think this piece really needs a lot more, and it's good to hear you are going to write more.

Not to harp on this story, mind you, but I think it represents something important in my own view of flash versus longer stories (and apparently is bringing "my own shit" into this a tad too much). Clearly, I'm in the minority around here. Glad to see everyone else here loves it. I don't mean to suggest that it's JUST an incest story, but again I think as it is now...given its brevity and reliance on "subtext" ... most readers/reviewers would characterize it as such. Of course, given everyone else on here frothing at the mouth over it, what the fuck do I know?

Hey SPN -- I for one like it that you write what you think here (and I'm glad I'm not the only one who curses every now and then). Of course that is what we should do, and I suspect most of us appreciate ALL views on our stories. So flash ain't for you? So be it. But I think what is most interesting here is that a glimpse like this scene allows us to imagine what else there might be, and if a writer can start from something like this and make it bigger, then great. But even if Cherise doesn't, this piece is pretty damn good for the things it says, and the things it does not say.

I for one have found this discussion engaging. Flash is not for everyone (thank goodness: no one's advocating the decline of the novel) but at least in my case it helps me think more about the work that goes into longer pieces, even while it makes me consider every single word in something as short as a 250-word story. At the very least it's an excellent exercise, a discipline, a challenge.

I find the image of (flashing) Fictionauters frothing funny. Someone should start a limerick...

Thanks so much Michelle for the above!

I wish I were a good enough reader and writer to step outside of myself and 1. the fact that I have a sister and would be utterly disgusted if she did this and 2. forget that I'm a little overdosed on girl-on-girl, or the idea that sisters like to touch one another (because they're girls? I don't know). A new sibling on sibling story would be, to me, if they were brothers. Talk about taboo.

That said, your story did make me feel something - discomfort, disgust (not with you or with the writing, but with the situation), and also "I like this." Love the simplicity with which it's delivered and the everyday feel at the end.

Thank you Kristen for reading and your comments. For me it isn't so much about girl on girl, because these two sisters see themselves as sisters, and they are young. But I am so pleased you loved the simplicity of it, the everyday feel. Exactly right. I have written more and it's fascinating to see where it is going, the interplay between older sister and younger narrator, what is at work in their lives, the power play, etc.

This feels fully realized to me. I love the ending--the clueless mother--and the sisters' relationship is there in the writing--the domineering older one; the other compliant. There's a lot of subtext--not just sexual. And the "not enough". It's a compliment. Not enough means the reader likes the story and wants more. "In the Lake" is great!

What else is there to say? I missed it when it first came out, but caught it today.

Cherise, as usual, you grab me by my earlobes, look me in the eyes, and make me listen to your story. I so appreciate that about you and the way you develop ideas and put them out there.

You could do more, you could do less, but I am grateful that you shared it just as is.

Critiques should never be longer than the prose it seeks to deconstruct, but praise may be infinite.

I like this very much, Chere--

Looking forward to how it develops. The "power play." Exactly.

Tina - many thanks!

Randal - thank you for such a fabulous comment, made my Saturday morning.

Matt - thank you!

no comment worth while. I hope the sister is in therapy

There's something ominous about this piece. The water, the single boat passing by, the sense of urgency, and the mother calling out. But most of all, the innocence of being sexually curious forebodes the very loss of that innocence. And when you add in the element of being pushed towards that loss by someone older than you, it becomes more complex. While reading it, I couldn't help but feel suspense, like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. A part of me likes it just the way it is, and another part of me sees this in a larger context of a coming of age story, or even something more intense, like a mystery. Thumbs-up!

it's very media res which is tough to do and while we've arguably read a whole lot on the topic--- this presents a different view for me, completely unique. I see the power not the sex which is the subtext of incest. I think its beautiful

Melinda - I really appreciate your reading and comments and insight.

LA - thank you for your wonderful comments!

But you stopped before I said so, Cherise.

What makes this an important piece of Micro fiction is not only it's brutal honesty, but LAKE's reader involvement. I've seldom had Humble Opinions and I feel that's the key to short-short fiction. Just read down this column of opinions and see what 173 words can generate. Not as a comparison; reading the comments made me think about the discussion Hemingway's classic "6-word Story" has created for decades. The Great Buddha teaches, "Simplicity is the art." LAKE is an artful, skillful story.

Ramon, thank you for your wonderful comments.

I am still thrilled by the comments, re-comments, defenses, explanations, responses, all over the map, all generated by my 173 words.

There is little else that thrills this writer that much. Well... maybe one or two things.

This one made me go, Whoah. and then Uhhh. And then oooooo.
Nice job. 1-7-3 is fine with me!

Very powerful and a slant on incest not often covered - at least in my reading experience - which also makes it important. The only account I've read of female sibling incest concerned Virginia Woolf with her sister. Well done. -- Q

Jason, thank you so much for your very aural comments! I have actually expanded this and it's up here on FN, Sisters At The Lake, if you want. I do think my story about the sisters will keep expanding. Sorry for being so late to see this comment.

Quenby,

Thanks so much for finding this and your gracious comments. I didn't know that about VW and her sister... did VW write the account?

As I just wrote, I've actually expanded this a bit, called Sisters at The Lake... would love your take.

I find this to be beyond excellent. It moves and works its way into the reader with such assurance,authority and grace. It's stunning in its simplicity and it's beauty.A favorite piece of writing if there ever was one.

Darryl, I will treasure these comments from you! Absolutely made my day!

I've actually spun this into a 3000 word story that I am about to start sending out.

who knows what kind of ghost will appear after rubbing. i say this and i am thinking of Aladin and his magic lamp. everyone has a place to be rubbed.!

Thanks Dris for the interesting comments and for the fave,

wow, marvelous story. so perfectly striking.

Sorry Nicollette - for not seeing your comment back in December - but thank you kindly!