Bookmarks From Hell -- A List of Unsavory, Alarming and Downright Nasty Things Librarians Have Found In Library Books
by Roz Warren
A dead frog
A used band-aid
A squashed and leaking Ketchup packet.
Bedbugs
A tampon
Toe nail clippings
Dozens of baby roaches
A slice of bacon
Boogers
A used Q-Tip
A used condom (and it was in a Bible!)
A grilled cheese sandwich
Dental Floss
Used Kleenex
Toilet Paper (and this happens ALL the time..)
Pubic hair
An ad for lap dances (in a children's book!)
Questionable food stains
A dirty diaper
Pornographic photos
A slice of bologna
Attention library patrons! The next time you're tempted to mark your place in one of our books with insects, snacks, porn or anything that used to be part of your body? Please do us library workers a big favor and JUST DOG-EAR THE BLEEPING PAGE!
(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider Looks At Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.)
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Author's Note
I work at a library. My co-worker JW recently said "I think my least favorite thing to find in a returned library book is a used band-aid." So I decided to compile a list.
Other stories by Roz Warren
- Congratulations On Your New Diagnosis! (Greeting Cards for People With Mental Problems)
- You're Gay? I'm Not Surprised. But Thanks For Telling Me!
- Would You Ask A Librarian For A Lap Dance?
- ORSON SCOTT CART, MEET LOUISA MAY ALCART: TOP TWENTY NICKNAMES LIBRARIANS HAVE GIVEN TO BOOK CARTS
- You Have Something I Don't Have
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People! So amusing!
*
Finally, a librarian giving permission to dog-ear pages--I am released!
Oh!
I found a snake skin and a $100 bill. The patron called for the money. Never had anyone claim the snake skin.
*, Roz. One can only hope these library card holders were banned or beaten...or both.
Did the photos belong to Mary Magdalene?
I'm petty respectful of library books, but my own look pretty battered with dog ears, underlinings, marginalia, relevant print clippings, coffee and wine stains and broken spines. I did find a $100 bill in "Personal Finance for Dummies" I checked out of the Brooklyn Public Library main branch.