The Little Room Where We'd Fit
She asked if I needed to be measured for size “to make sure they feel really good on you,” her lips all gloss and smile. I was nineteen and knew my size but changes in weight had caused fluctuations before so maybe I'd be different again. I set down the tangled mass of bras I'd brought back with me on a little counter and put my arms out like a T.
She looked about my age. Her body was small, a black top and pants stretching around little curves, and she smelled like vanilla and something else I couldn't place. She told me I had a fantastic tan as she weaved the measuring tape under my armpits, around my back and across my breasts, over my nipples, and she held it there. I could smell her and see her long lashes pointed toward my chest as I focused on a pile of folded panties, gorgeous little pieces of fabric. I thought I'd tell my boyfriend about it. I knew she was wearing underwear just like that underneath the black clothes.
She let the tape loosen around me, the one end dangling between us, the other still between her pink fingernails grazing my shirt, and she didn't step back. With her face that close to mine, she said,“32 B. You have the right ones. I'll unlock a room.” I cleared my throat, feeling that some tiny closed-off place inside me might have never been opened until just now. I told her I'd been a C before I lost the weight this last time. She said I looked amazing and shot a glance all the way down my body, then up at my eyes, and giggled. That was when I knew it wasn't in my head.
Behind the rose-colored door, I took off my shirt and felt the satin and lace bras against me as if no fabric had ever touched my skin. I could hear her clanging the metal hangers against the rack just on the other side of the door, smell the vanilla and raspberry—that's what it was, raspberry. She said whatever I needed, she'd be right there, would help me with anything at all, and her name was Justina, just call her. I thought about pretending to have trouble connecting or adjusting bra straps so Justina would come inside the little room, close the door, and have to touch me again. I would ask her to look me up and down like that once more and whisper “fantastic” and “amazing” in my ear and she'd caress the silver lines of my stretch marks with her pink fingernails. She'd put her glossy lips all over the hollows of my breasts where fat used to be, and they'd rise up to her passion. If I just asked her, her eye lashes would flutter against all my unpretty and I'd hold on to the hook behind me with both hands while she proved I could be somebody else.
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Author's Note
An earlier version of this story won First Prize Honors for Flash Fiction at the 62nd Annual Philadelphia Writers' Conference. It has not found a home, although many editors have given me "almosts." To be totally honest, I think this version is what it's ulitimately fated to look like--it's been revised many times. Still, I'd LOVE to hear comments, any at all.
It is hard for me to say why this is piece so important to me. I wrote something about the same topic from a humorous standpoint some time ago, but it truly was not a funny experience, and it was very intense. Thank you for writing and sharing. I can see both why it won, and why it is not easily publishable. *, of course.
I love the story.
Suggestions? Maybe leave out, "That was when I knew it wasn't in my head." I think it's unnecessary. Also, there are an awful lot of sentences beginning with "I (verb)..." Like "I was..." "I set..." "I could..." "I thought..." "I knew..." etc.
Maybe a variance of construction in those places will give it more appeal.
Repeat, I loved the story.
Thank you so very much, Grey. "It is hard to say why this piece is so important to me . . . " Wow. I'm truly honored to have that said about my story. I would love to read your piece. Was it published? If not, perhaps you could rewrite it without trying to come from the humorous standpoint? Again, much gratitude for your comments. This story has become very important to me for so many reasons.
James, thanks so much. Good points. I will consider. I appreciate your close read and am so glad you liked the story!
A strong piece, Nicole. Good writing. I like it.
Thanks so much for reading, Sam. I'm really glad you liked it.
Nicole,
If you really want to test this, take it to its limit. Have the Justina encounter. See what happens. The conclusion (probably nightmarish) will tell you what to do. As Blake said, "You can't know what is enough until you know what is more than enough."
It's a good piece but try pushing it. (I know flash imposes word limits, but maybe this isn't meant to be flash.)
Wow, Bill. You know what, I actually did attempt writing it that way. I had Justina come in, and I had the encounter happen. But I think the reason I went back to the original story of the narrator simply desiring the encounter was because it felt somehow more indicative of the narrator's character--always wanting something just out of reach. I was hoping that the backplot of her weight struggles and her desire to be desirable were central to who she had become, and that this very simple flirtation, even with another woman when she'd never considered herself homosexual was enough to send her into a full-blown fantasy because it seemed to represent what she'd always been after--that feeling of being desired exactly as she was. I'm afraid that the encounter actually happening will make the story simply about an encounter between two women rather than about the narrator's wounds and desires and feelings about herself. Hmmmm. Hard to know whether your way is better here. I love your advice to push things in general though. I will take that with me, even if not for this piece, then for others! Thank you so much for such a thoughtful comment.
Just to think this further with you, Nicole.
Keep the fantasy. ("that feeling of being desired exactly as she was"--yes, that's important.) Have the encounter, but have the encounter go terribly wrong. Push this in an entirely opposite direction. See what happens. Lots of exciting narrative possibilities here. Just an idea.
Whatever you do or don't, good luck!
Bill, when you say have the encounter go terribly wrong, are you imagining Justina reacting negatively to seeing the narrator naked? Or did you have in mind that the narrator herself feels uncomfortable or doesn't enjoy the encounter? I'm so curious which scenario you were thinking. Thank you again for giving my piece so much thought.
Don't change a word. Wow. Some little story you have here! Very, er, arousing. Yes, that's the word. Arousing. Fav plus.
Thanks so much for reading, Jack. I really appreciate it. Glad you, er, liked it :)
Hey, Jack, are you on Facebook?
this is so wonderful, nicole. LOVE the lashes "against all my unpretty", the way this piece builds to that incredible last line.
Thank you so much, Sara. I love that you liked it and your specific comments.
Nicole, I really like this story, as well as the way you end it, especially given your explanation for it in the comments above. What you intended is apparent and successful, for me. Good title for it, too! I agree with JLD about the “That was when I knew it wasn't in my head” line, because I think you show this well enough not to state it. Same with “…feeling that some tiny closed-off place inside me might have never been opened until just now” – I think you also successfully show this, and might not need to explicitly state it this way. It might tighten things up a hair, but only my thoughts. It’s clear you already have a successful, recognized story here. Thanks for the chance to comment, and looking forward to reading more of your work!
Nicole, I really like this story, as well as the way you end it, especially given your explanation for it in the comments above. What you intended is apparent and successful, for me. Good title for it, too! I agree with JLD about the “That was when I knew it wasn't in my head” line, because I think you show this well enough not to state it. Same with “…feeling that some tiny closed-off place inside me might have never been opened until just now” – I think you also successfully show this, and might not need to explicitly state it this way. It might tighten things up a hair, but only my thoughts. It’s clear you already have a successful, recognized story here. Thanks for the chance to comment, and looking forward to reading more of your work!
Thanks so much, Kari, for reading, and for the thoughtful comments. I will definitely consider those edits. Good thoughts . . .
Gotta disagree strongly with the suggestions to lose any of this, especially 'That's when I knew it was only in my head.' To me that seems necessary and caps that segment perfectly. Inclusion of backplot characterization etc works well, doesn't impede flow. I'm with Jack. Don't change a word. *
Thank you very, very much, Mark. I'm so grateful for your opinion because, I have to admit, I was struggling with the thought of losing that line. I think the reason I feel the story needs it is that it reflects an important nuance of the narrator's character that perhaps no other line does: she does not see herself as desirable, never has. It's not until that moment--Justina's giggling--that even SHE realizes someone really does desire her. Again, very grateful that you took the time to read.
Love the unpretty, the idea that she would need to change to be attractive to someone. Love the suspense.
Thanks so much, Martha! I really appreciate that your read it, and your comments.
Nicole - What a wonderful story! You do such a great job of showing, as you say, her desire to be desirable, even if it meant venturing into a sexuality she'd never considered. Perfect sensual details, and I love that last line,"... while she proved I could be somebody else."
"That was when I knew it wasn't in my head" did stick out for me too, as a bit of authorial intrusion. But I understand why you want it there. Perhaps if you made it a bit more "conversational" and slightly less of an "announcement" it might help? Something like, "So, it wasn't all in my head"? Just a thought.
I could have used a tiny bit more setting for where the fitting scene is taking place. I assumed she was already naked and in the small room, so I got confused when I realized they weren't there.
I was curious about the boyfriend. Do you mention him just to clarify the narrator's orientation? Since you mention him, I might have wanted one more line or hint about him - if he made her feel desirable ( which I suspect he didn't).
Hope I am not being too critical. When I really love a story it just makes me want tweak it. And I do love this story. I am sure it will be published.
Lots of great and specific comments to consider, Jeanne. So much appreciated. Will give much thought to all of them before sending this out again. Thank you!
This story will be up at Foundling Review in April. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments.
Yes, such an amazing story. Congrats on your/its success!
Thank you, Jeff!