What Goes Above Our Heads Sometimes Does Not
We floated balloons to my dead uncle in Heaven for closure. I couldn't figure, at age seven, how he was under the ground and in the sky too. Mom touched Dad on the arm. It was Dad's brother. It seemed like Mom was sorry for something else. My sister, age eleven, told us to stand in a circle and say out loud all the things we loved about him. I said his ice cream sundaes; he'd always had waffle bowls and both kinds of sprinkles. My sister said his big muscles and the way he'd made her feel safe on family vacations, especially out on the speed boat. My Dad said the way he'd treated us kids. Mom said he was a complicated man, one that no one really understood. Dad winced.
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Author's Note
This story is up at Molotov Cocktail, the January 15th Issue. Thanks again for your comments!
I like how well the title reinforces the story's point. I think the writing needs more of an edge, more detail too. The story gives itself away too easily.
LOVE the title, how the whole story is felt but unsaid (but maybe the last sentence isn't needed?)the details like waffle bowls and sprinkles: so good. *
The voice of the child was very authentic, I thought. I like the way you used the words "my", "we", and "I" to begin sentences so often, which is the way children talk. *
Alex, thanks for reading and for your comments. Yes, I see what you mean about the reveal. I think I was focusing purposely on the child's awareness as the story and not so much the story, but it might add appeal to let the story be revealed less easily.
Sara, thank you so much. You are right--the last line is NOT needed. I love that. Ending it with, "Dad winced" is probably stronger.
Grey, thanks so much for reading. I love that you noticed that detail.
Very good story, Nicole.
Totally agree with Sara. Great title. Delete last line. "Dad winced" says it all. Glad you agree. OK to make the edit here.
Decapitalize Heaven too.
Why latex balloons? Why not just balloons?
Thanks so much, Bill.
Capitaliztion of Heaven: I was thinking the girl would have that the right way. Perhaps her families beliefs would have called for it? Will have to think on that.
Re latex, I'm not sure. Yes, that might be a good deletion. Don't know that latex adds anything at all.
Really appreciate the comments.
I think you're right, Bill. Just deleted "latex." Also deleted "and Dad hated him." It was perhaps to explicit. Those feelings get revealed later and more effectively, I'm thinking.
"Also deleted "and Dad hated him." It was perhaps too explicit. Those feelings get revealed later and more effectively, I'm thinking."
Agree. Nice work.